[Paige008]

I talked for the first time last Monday about the abuse from my childhood. I had never told anyone before, but I told my therapist. She asked the questions and I nodded the answers. I've been seeing her for a year, but it's taken her weekly sessions to get it out of me.

But now what? I feel like I've done something wrong, like I've broken a rule. I'm embarrassed to go and see her again, or to ever talk about it again. Ever since I talked about it last week, I've had nothing but flashbacks and smells and nightmares. I'm afraid of everything, jumping at the slightest sound, and obsessing over being followed.

I know that part of acceptance and healing is to talk about it, but WTF, this sucks and it's like its happening all over again. How do you deal with it after you've talked? Right now, it feels like I ****ed up and should have just kept quiet, it was easier that way.

[alias123]

I'm sorry Paige. I don't really have any answers, but I feel for you.

When I tell people about the stuff that happened to me, I feel guilty too. Part of me still wants to protect the people that did it, I guess. Or I feel weak like I am fishing for something to be sad about.

I am hoping that as I get older and more used to telling the truth...almost religiously...I will start to have a better sense of self and ownership over myself and things like that won't take me down anymore.

Good luck!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Paige008

I feel like I've done something wrong, like I've broken a rule.

I'm embarrassed to go and see her again, or to ever talk about it again.

This is common. Were you threatened about telling when you were a child? You probably feel shame too?

Originally Posted by Paige008

Ever since I talked about it last week, I've had nothing but flashbacks and smells and nightmares. I'm afraid of everything, jumping at the slightest sound, and obsessing over being followed.

this sucks and it's like its happening all over again.

This is common too. It is like you stirred it up. Getting better involves this. To get better you need to talk about it in therapy and let your feelings out. This is the only way to let it go so that you can move on with your life.

Yes, it does seem to make things worse at first but it really is for the best and if you stick with it, things will get better.

You have been keeping this stuff inside where it has been affecting you and when you first take it out it really is hard but it is the only way to get better.

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

I hope you talk to your therapist about how you felt after telling. She can help you with this.

[Paige008]

Thank you for your replies.

I do feel very shameful and embarrassed everything that happened. I think, in a pretty big way, I still at fault for much of what happened. Intellectually, I can gather that I was a child and it was not my doing, but my feelings are just all over the place. It really is like being young again and feeling everything again.

Is it worth going through all of this in the end?

I sent an email to my therapist last Wednesday letting her know that I was freaking out a bit. She responded and said she'd call, but I missed it. I tried calling her back, but I haven't hear anything since. My next appointment is suppsoed to be Friday, but I just don't know if I can handle going back. I wish I wouldn't have said anything.

[Sannah]

It really is worth it Paige. I hope that you are able to talk about all of this on Friday with your therapist. You can do damage control for a bit and not reveal anything new until you feel better. You don't have to do this stuff quickly. Talking about how telling affected you will be really helpful.

[Paige008]

I'm starting to get crazy nervous about tomorrow already, like sick to stomach nervous. What if I can't talk, what do I do? What if she looks at me sideways and tries to be all caring?

This sounds crazy, but I'm almost mad at her for making me tell her and then going out of town. She had to know that these feelings would come up, right? I mean, why would she push it out of me if she knew she wasn't going to be there... That sounds stupid, doesn't it?

[alias123]

No, it sounds totally legitimate. I think you should let let her know how you're feeling her doing that. And if you don't want her to look sideways at her, tell her that, too. I think that's your right to do.

[Sannah]

Good luck with today. Tell us how it went?

[Paige008]

I will definitely try to be open with her Alias. Thanks for all the advice you two. I appreciate it very much!

I'll let you know how it goes today. T-minus 4 hours...my stomach just did a flip!

[shezbut]

How did it go Paige?

Are you feeling better? Did you come straight out and share you emotions about the experience with her?

Hope that you are okay. gentle hugs to you.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by Paige008

I feel like I've done something wrong, like I've broken a rule. I'm embarrassed to go and see her again, or to ever talk about it again. Ever since I talked about it last week, I've had nothing but flashbacks and smells and nightmares. I'm afraid of everything, jumping at the slightest sound, and obsessing over being followed.

This is how I am after tell parts of my story, too. I think part of it is, as Sannah said, being programmed not to talk about the abuse out of fear and shame. The nice thing is, the more you talk about it, the less intense those feelings and trauma symptoms will be. You will get to a point where you can talk about the abuse and not experience a recurrence of the trauma symptoms. The trauma will become a bad memory, but not a present danger.

It was awesomely brave of you to take the risk of sharing your story with your T. Good job.

[Anessen]

Ms. Paige,

I too was abused as a child, physcially and emotionally. Where every case is different there are some simularities. Victims are conditioned to keep the secrect. Our society is one of aggression and it is conditioned into almost all aspects of our life.

You have taken a huge step in talking about it for the first time. If I could cast an opinion, I would say go back to your therapist and see where this path leads you. You don't have to continue speaking on this topic, but you may find it gets easier.

Best wishes,

[Paige008]

Originally Posted by shezbut

How did it go Paige?

Are you feeling better? Did you come straight out and share you emotions about the experience with her?

Hope that you are okay. gentle hugs to you.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. I've been in a kind of funk with all of this going on.

It went okay. She is very compassionate and doesn't push too much. I wasn't able to get out much. I just couldn't make myself talk like I wished I could. Even without saying everything, I feel like she gets it and I really hope I'm not wrong.

We've been working on ways to talk about it with grounding techniques. She's also been trying to help me control my flashbacks. I never realized so many random things made me think of what happened until she had me write them down.

Thank you for all of your encouragement though. I hope to be able to talk one day. I want to be better and to get this off of me, it's just going to take some time.

[Sannah]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things on your journey of getting better.