Session with my T yesterday

Really tough session with my T. Talked about my greatest shame. We've talked about it before, but for some reason this is always with me, hanging on like a ball and chain.

I can't convince myself to believe his words.

I feel split open again, exposed...

I really, really, really want to cut out the pain.

I'm trying to stop doing SI, have yet to be successful

sad 4 u

I feel disgusting and worthless, no amount of washing makes me feel clean

T says I shouldn't say that - reinforces what I was taught

But it's real, I can feel it inside me and I want to get it out

i dont know what to say to help. But im glad u are talking.

CSC... I'm so sorry that you've got to go through this. But you're stronger than you think, much stronger than you think. You're still standing, despite it all. You're worthy, whatever this man made you think, you're courageous (enough to face these issues in therapy) and you're a good and loving mother.

Do you have positive affirmations? You can deprogramme your negative thoughts - recognise that your bad feelings are lies, and just keep on going. We're proud of you.

just want to send you some and .

Still messed up, trying really hard to sort out these feelings...

I can't stop thinking, I'm supposed to try to counter the messages from the past and erase the lies. I write layers and layers of his words on a blank canvas and erase them one at a time. Now there is nothing left...so what am I, nothing?

I am so tired, my mind is going too fast, the past and the present are colliding, I am not prepared for this!

Hello, Can't Stop Crying.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...nking-hurt-us/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-part-the-cure
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...essing-you-out
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/48485

CSC, now is the time to build that wonderful person that you ARE. His lies belong to him. They do not belong to you. I can understand how and why you feel the way you do from his words and actions. It makes so much sense why you are feeling the way that you do. Can you give his lies back to him in some sort of ritual? Not erasing but some sort of giving them back to him. Can you write them down and mail them back to him or dig a whole near his house and put them there where they are close to him?

write down the truths instead, they are there, you may just be hurting to much to think of them. Start very simple, what have you done that was real and positive. Even if its something very small and seemingly insignificant, start there, identify yourself.
I would write (just for me) this to start :
Mother, who gives her kids kisses and cuddles, makes their beds, feeds them, loves them
Reader of many books.
A friend to call when anything is needed.
Kind
Caring.
A dreamer.
Shy.
Someone who takes a interest in others.
Who loves music and art.
Who hates crowds.
Okay thats enough about me, but its an example of how u may be able to ground yourself again.

I really like rapid's advice. maybe hang the list somewhere you can see it most of the time - once you have written it.

what will make you feel clean? try to visualise yourself in the pond of happiness. where the water fall makes relaxing sound. it has the magical properties of being able to purify anything. and bring back what was lost. imagine the water warm and soothing. close your eyes and let that warms engulf you. as you step out of the water, slowly, you are clean and beautiful and the warmth will protect you during the day and the night x

are you okay?

still trying to hang on...every time I think "I can do this" I fall right back to where I was. The past is so powerful and I am worn out!

but good on you for trying and reaching for it. Thats a huge deal, dont forget that!

thanks - writing and painting is my "in between therapy" therapy. Even though it's dark, it helps to get it out. Maybe once the darkness is finally out of me, I'll be able to find some truth?

Good for you for hanging in there!! I know that this is a very tought time for you. Stay strong you can do this and you will get through this! I believe in you! ((((((HUGS!!)))))) Take Care Sweetie, and remember one day at a time...

Sometimes I think the damage we continue to do to ourselves after the abuse has stopped is just as bad as what they did to us in the first place. It's been almost 20 years and I'm still living it every day...I wish some of my abusers had to feel this way!

im glad your getting it out!!!! I hope some peace comes to you soon.

rapid - I will work on that list, one line at a time....

Keep getting this stuff out. It is very healing. Another thing which is huge is forgiveness if you are still blaming yourself. I did this for years and I can't say that I completely forgive myself but I am now at the point where I can see that I wasn't the only one to blame for what happened to me. A lot of others played a huge role in this, Wishing to continued safety, hugs, love, and a life that includes happiness.