Need Advice

vanna123 · Mar 05, 2011, 05:36 PM

A am a grown woman who has recently had recurring flashbacks and nightmares of my childhood abuse (severe). I have a professional job which I have maintained for 25 years - and I am very good at what I do.
Problem - lately with the nightmares and flasbacks i am not getting enough sleep (despite heavy meds) and i am beginning to have difficulty at work -- cannot take time off as I just recently had 8 weeks off for surgery.
I have had no contact with my biological mother in almost 30 years -- my foster family is amazing and I have come to rely on them as my family and support team.
My biological mother died yesterday leaving me with a great deal of new anxiety -- sleep is now non-existent and she made me the beneficiary of her life insurance policy and asked that I make and arrange / pay for her funeral plans. (I did)
My brothers who i have not had a relationship with due to fear (they were very very abusive) will be at the funeral and I am terrified of seeing them -- I am going to sit in the back of Church with friends but the mere though of being with 100 miles of them frightens and terrifies me -- I am afraid I am heading myself back into the psych unit (haven't been hospitalized for over 15 years)
Help

Jewels · Mar 05, 2011, 07:40 PM

(((((((((( vanna ))))))))))

remember, you ARE a grown woman, and that happened a long time ago. You are NOT in an abusive situation now, and there are friends and those you consider family around you who will support you during your mother's funeral.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. You were little and were powerless to stop what happened to you. Know that you are not that little girl anymore. You are capable of making good choices in what you choose to do, and your friends and those you consider family will take care of you during this time.

If you have access to a therapist, going to see one a few times to keep you out of the hospital will go a long way in helping you to sleep well and keep you focused and going forward.

Sending you many good thoughts and prayers, too.

Jewels

Can't Stop Crying · Mar 06, 2011, 05:25 AM

Not sure if this helps...my father is very controlling...at my grandmother's funeral, he had a seating arrangement. I was not in contact with my family either and it was very hard to attend...I intentionally sat on the wrong side of the church, only attended the services, did not participate in any attempts at conversation with any toxic family members, and drove 500 miles home immediately after the burial. It was very tough and just being in the same vicinity as family was distressing and anxiety provoking, but I told myself it was something I needed to do. It honestly took several weeks to recover, but in hindsight, I'm proud that I was able to do it.

Jewels · Mar 06, 2011, 08:24 AM

that is such good self-care (((((cantstopcrying)))))

you did what you needed to do, and you did not allow your father to cross your boundaries...I am so proud of you for taking the time to do what was needed to do for you...

Jewels

vanna123 · Mar 06, 2011, 08:24 AM

Thanks -- I do think the anxiety will be with me until all is finsihe on thursday -- and I think just getting some sleep last night helped ----
a friend gave me some yoga and tai-chi moves which were helpful in relaxing
will speak with therapist tomorrow about setting up appointment
thanks Again

Jewels · Mar 06, 2011, 08:33 AM

(((((((((( vanna ))))))))))

I know how hard it is to think of all you need to do and accomplish it without dropping your healthier boundaries around your family. I am glad you are going to try to see your T. That is good self care, and I am proud of you for doing that. You deserve so much more than what your toxic family can give to you...

yes, getting sleep helps a lot with anxiety. If you are having problems with anxiety, you can get some natural things from the health food store that will help with that if you do not have meds to help you calm down. Just go to the store and ask them to point you in the right direction. They would be glad to do that for you.

Take the time you need to stay safe, and concentrate on you. That is the best thing you can do for yourself!

Will be thinking of you and praying for you until you have safely gone through all the motions of mourning your mother's death. Remember, grieving takes a while, and you might find yourself bouncing around the grief cycle...denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance...they won't necessarily go in order, and you might be in several at the same time, but take the time to do your own grieving at your own pace...it will help to just give yourself permission to grieve...

you are doing all the right things...keep up the good work!!!

Jewels

Gr3tta · Mar 06, 2011, 11:20 PM

Vanna, thanks for sharing this! I agree that it will be important to remember that you are no longer an abused child, you are a grown person and a survivor! It's wonderful that you have friends to support you at the funeral. I want to remind you though, if you want to attend the funeral for you, then you absolutely should. However, you are in no way obligated to. If you would rather not attend the services, you don't have to! Just do whatever you need to do to take care of you. I hope you'll let us know how you're doing when it's over and behind you. ~Emma