[Quay]

I'm sorry to post this here, but I don't know where else to put it. With all of you that know with out a doubt what happened to you, it seems somehow disrespectful to come here asking this question, but who else can tell me?

Here's the deal. When I was little my parents had this friend who definitely had a problem. As my father puts it, "He was crazy, just crazy about women and girls". Thay still let him visit. By my parents account he used to come talk to my sister and I all the time after we went to bed. Once they realized he had a problem they used to "keep a very close eye on him, and go find him when ever he disappeared off to our room". I've asked my sister, she says he just used to tickle us. I have no memory of any of it. I have these dreams though, wierd dreams that I don't understand. Dreams that seem to be from the perspective of a very small child, but about things a child should know nothing about. The only other thing is a strong dislike of any sort of soothing. My T tried that voice a few times, I told him it feels like it slithers down my spine and twists between my shoulder blades, and I hate it. He tries not to do it anymore.

During my last session he told me that some of the stuff that he thought perhaps I'd just been born with, he now thinks perhaps is related to sexual abuse. He said it real serious, even asked if I understood what he was saying to me. He said that he sees things in me, that suggest to him, that I've experienced it. I've never told him about the dreams, although he does know about the guy, and my dislike of soothing voices.

I keep arguing with myself. Wouldn't I have some memory if it happened? Is it that I don't want to remember? Please don't be upset with me for asking this stuff. If there's some place else I should be asking this, just let me know.

Thanks, Quay

[jennie]

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Quay said:
During my last session he told me that some of the stuff that he thought perhaps I'd just been born with, he now thinks perhaps is related to sexual abuse. He said it real serious, even asked if I understood what he was saying to me. He said that he sees things in me, that suggest to him, that I've experienced it. I've never told him about the dreams, although he does know about the guy, and my dislike of soothing voices.

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When your T asked if you understood what he was saying, did you say "yes?" Did you ask him or did he tell you the specifics of the things he sees in you that suggest you've experienced sexual abuse?

I think it's important to understand what your T is referring to. I know it's scary to ask questions about this. I have a lot of unasked questions I wished I would of asked my former T. A year later, those unasked questions still bother me.

[wi_fighter]

My uncle through my mom's second marriage used to always want the littler girls to sit on his lap and he'd bounce them up and down, in the basement TV room when none of the other adults were around. Years later, when his own two daughters were married and had kids of their own, it came out that he sexually abused his daughters when they were kids.

That guy always gave me the creeps anyway. Glad I was 16-17 at the time and out of his preferred age range.

for starters your therapist should not be trying to force his opinion of the situation on you. If you ask him first if something sounds like sexual abuse or you have already reached the conclusion that you were sexually abused then he can agree with you or he can say whether or not he thinks it could be but the two of you would have to wait to see what develops first to be sure. He is not supposed to come to the conclusion then make you come around to his conclusion. As to whether or not all this means you were sexually abused only time will tell as you gain more memories about your childhood. It could very well have been that he had just tickled you like your sister said or he tickled you in a way that made you uncomfortable or he could have sexually abused you but I can't tell you which it was because I was not there. the truth of if you were sexually abused is somewhere locked in your brain and unfortunately it may take time before you know that answer for yourself. People remember things at their own pace not on a textbook type schedule. And no you wouldn't necessesarily remember in fact most survivors do have memory lose of some kind related to their abuse. It could be just one situation of many they don't remember or it could be a whole string of situations they have forgotten because the situation was more tramatic then they could handle. and when survivors start remembering what they lost it is in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, not by the therapist telling the client they think the client was abused. In fact there is now a problem called false momory syndome in which therapists have been known to force clients to believe they were sexually abused when they haven't. If your situation was mine the next time the therapist brought up sexual abuse with out you initiating the topic I would say if I was sexually abused I was sexually abused if I wasn't I wasn't but at this point I don't have enough memories to go in either direction so I am remaining neutral. Then go on with a topic in my life at the present that needs to be taken care off now. What ifs will take care of themselves in time. I do know that in order to work on sexual abuse related issues the person is better off having a strong network of coping skills and support systems and so on in place because once flashbacks and nightmares of this kind hit a person they need all their strength and resourses to keep afloat and paddle to shore at the same time. Hang in there and go on YOUR gut instict not your therapist pointing you in that direction and forcing you to beleive you were abused.

Quay,

As far as I know- your post is fine here.
Childhood experiences can be so confusing sometimes- trying to remember can be difficult.

I really really agree with "myself's" comments- about how a therapist should not "suggest" anything to a client. All the ideas of the clients experiences should come from the client only! If you never have brought up sexual abuse -- then neither should your therapist. I think if it did happen-- then you will remember it when you are ready to remember.

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh--- I just think if I was in your shoes and was looking for answers it would be hard to ignore suggestions by a trained professional.

Not knowing all about ourselves can be frustrating-- perhaps we should trust that if it was meant to be a known fact-- then it will come to us at the right time.

Hope your search finds healing for you

mandy

[Quay]

Thank you for your support, all of you. It turns out I misunderstood the T comment. He was referring to the way I was raised, and how that influenced how I feel about myself now. But this still is part of the topic I want to talk about today. I'm kind of hijacking the thread a little bit, but since I began it, I guess that's okay.

When I was little I didn't think I wanted to be a little girl. Little boys just seemed to have it so much better. I liked being outdoors and hated everything about house work and indoor activities. I wanted to be rough & tough, not the dainty ballerina my mother seemed to think that little girls should be. It was a huge issue for me, and still is in some ways. This morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, I started thinking about how I tried so hard to fit in as a young adult. I wanted so much to be a part of all that social activity, but I had such social anxiety that I really didn’t quite understand how to fit in. I felt like I really didn't know how to be feminine. I felt like I was incomplete in that regard. But today, I found myself remembering the first time my husband asked me if I’d made it with another woman. At that time, we were just married and I divided my time, spending part of it living on campus finishing my last year of college, but coming back to our appt for the weekend and at midweek.
So, to set the scene, I’m home, in his arms, having missed this intimacy for a bit, and in these tender moments as love starts, he wanted to know, "had I made it with any of my girlfriends at school? It’s okay, I can tell him, cause that’s what he wants to hear." Sounds small and innocent enough, right? But it hurt. I had missed him, looked forward to being with him. I assumed he missed me also, and would want to be with me. Instead, he wanted to hear that I’d been unfaithful, and not with a member of the opposite sex, no, let’s hear that you have no morals, and have seduced one of your girlfriends, and would now like to discuss it with your husband, so he can get off on it. I’m afraid I started to cry, which somehow convinced him that I was feeling guilty about having done this thing he suggested. (In retrospect I guess this would have been a good time to point out what a self-centeredness !**#^! he was being. ) I let it confirm that I wasn’t whole, that there was an essential piece of me missing. Why else would he want to hear about others? Why else would he expect that I would do these things? What other reason could there be that just me, in and of myself, was not enough? The more I cried and denied, the more he believed it of me, and the more that set of beliefs, that I would be unfaithful, that I would chose a woman instead of a man, that I would seduce a friend, that I would be so unashamed by that behavior that I would enjoy discussing it with him, cut me to the quick. Why not cut yourself? The self inflicted pain upon your skin can not begin to hurt as much as this pain within your heart.

I've said for so long that I felt nothing for my husband now that we're divorced, and it seemed so wrong. How could I spend 26yrs with a man and feel nothing for him? What was the matter with me, that I could be so shallow? So, I guess, here are some of the feelings I’ve been looking for... Thanks,"honey", I’ve begun to find them at last...

And my question remains the same -- I let those words hurt me, but they were only words. He wasn't beating me, or even screaming at me, he was only talking. How can that be abuse? Can't be, right? So why does it still haunt me, almost 26yrs later?

[cms39]

It sounds like you are working out the past. That's good. Therapists are there to guide you. That sounds like what he is doing. You doing good!

[Quay]

Thanks cms. It does finally feel like things are moving forward. I've been separated from my husband for a year and a half. We were officially divorced this spring. But the only thing I've felt about him in all this time was relief that the house was quiet and no longer in constant upheaval, and then just numb. It seemed wierd to feel nothing more than that. I guess it's starting to unthaw, and it seems like a relief that there's something there, anything.

TC, Quay

[Overcastbutclearing]

Quay...glad you are trying to work things out to heal.
(((quay)))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((Quay))))))))))))) I am so happy you are starting to heal.

[Twinks]

Quay,

I'm so sorry that you were hurt so bad. I felt like crying when I read it.

When people say things to us that cut very deeply it causes a wound that only therapeutic talking can heal.

You are brave and wise to be working so hard with your T. My wish is that things turn around for you and you find happiness.

Best Wishes

Twinks

[Quay]

Thanks for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I was just starting to feel a little down and lonely tonight, then I came here and read these words from you all. It really helps. It's funny. I didn't think of healing at first, just that at last I could identify some sort of feeling about all this. You are right, however, it's as if some small part of the puzzle has come into clearer view so I can set it into place.


How you doing, Twinks? Been kind of looking around for you, and haven't seen you around much. Everything okay?

Thanks again, all of you,
quay