Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

Tomorrow is my second to last session. I'm anxious to see what we can get done in my last two sessions. I'm also returning to the doctor to try to get a higher dose of my antidepressant since this one seems to be working, just WAY too little of the time. Thanks again, everyone. I think this will most definitely be a long road, but I am ready to embark.

Good job with the positive attitude! We are always here, remember that!

Thanks so much! I had my session today. We chose to talk about how the abuse affected me. I am still very hesitant to reveal that my sister was molested by none other than my brother and also that I imitated a lot of my sister's behavior (the porn addiction, self-destructive behavior, NOT the abuse). I am VERY scared to admit my own problems with fixation on negative sexual behavior. Next week is my last session with my current therapist because she's graduating. However, she informed me today that since I'm staying in the city that the college is in over the summer, I will be eligible to continue to receive counseling over the summer, just with a different counselor. I'm very cautious/terrified to be assigned to a new therapist because I trust my current one so much. I don't know if I should try to reveal some of the previously mentioned issues next week or wait for my new therapist. I'm also confused as to why I'm being allowed to break the rules with counseling only being offered for 12 sessions. Could it be specifically because it's for sexual abuse? I guess I'm just very confused right now and in the process of trying to brace myself to switch therapists. It doesn't feel fair, but I REALLY want to be able to heal and make the transition to being the person I am SUPPOSED to be instead of being who I am manipulated by different circumstances into being. Sorry for the rambling...

Great news! Do you feel bad because you feel they are bending the rules for you? It can be hard for some people to switch therapists. What else can you do, though? You can do it! And we can support you.

Good work for sharing in therapy! I do hope that you continue to share.

I do feel kind of bad because a big reason why they put that rule in place was so that they could cycle more students through/make sure that they can help as many students as possible with limited resources. However, I know that I NEED more therapy and that I can't afford to pay for it. I am very afraid to switch therapists because I'm afraid I won't connect to the next one as well or be able to trust them readily. I don't want to tell any therapist about my porn addiction, but I think I have to to heal and not have an addiction anymore. ((

You deserve to be singled out and get more services!! I think that you will do fine with a new therapist. It sounds like your university program is really good so your next therapist will be good too. Why do you think that you don't want to tell your therapist about your porn addiction? (And yes, to heal you have to be open with your therapist).

I mostly don't want to tell her about it because it would be hard. I feel a lot of shame about it and I have convinced myself that she wouldn't understand. I am also fearful that she will not regard it as a legitimate addiction considering that it is currently not defined as a bona-fide addictive disease. I feel disgusting and awful for having a porn addiction.

It is something that is causing you distress so it needs to be talked about. Can you start out by saying that you want to tell her something but that you feel shame about it and that you are afraid that she won't understand?

I will have to majorly brace myself for that, but I think I am willing to do it. I also wanted to say that the doc upped my antidepressant dose from 20mg to 40mg. Hopefully, that takes some of it away. Thanks for your ongoing support!

This is a legitimate issue and appropriate for counseling. Your new counselor, any good counselor, should understand. If they don't, it is their problem, they are not doing their job.

I admire your courage, strength, and determination in getting so much accomplished in counseling so far. I think that you are doing very well!

I don't know how much longer I can take this feeling. I feel like I'm trapped in my own skin.

sorry it's tough right now autumnleaves...I agree with Sannah and Bill3! You can do this - you have already showed so much strength and determination!

Consider trying to put more of your feelings into written words. You can post them here, and/or share them with your therapist, and/or simply keep them for the time being.

If you choose to post, you can expect that the people you have been speaking with here to be understanding, empathetic, accepting, and nonjudgmental.

Thank you Bill3 and CSC and Sannah! I guess my feelings are that it is very difficult to see this situation as resolvable. I have felt for a long time that I've screwed things up beyond repair. I feel as though I am a bad/disgusting/evil person at my core and that it is ludicrous to pretend to be otherwise. I feel like from the moment that I became, in a way, sexually awakened by the touch and experiences I was exposed to, that I became forever altered in a way that makes me feel very deeply like a sexual deviant. I feel humiliated and ridiculous because I have never actually had sex (because of religious conviction), but I am obsessed with everything to do with sex. The church I belong to forbids pornography use, and thus I feel dirty and worthless even though my church also stresses strong principles of forgiveness, redemption, and mercy. I feel as though I cannot overcome my feelings of worthlessness, dirtiness, evilness, nor do I deserve to do so. I feel as though I am meant to suffer forever. I feel like people regard me as strange or unengaged because I'm spacey and have always been prone to staring off into space, submerged in my own thoughts. I tend to think that this is because I've always had too much to think about. People have difficulty reading my emotion and misunderstand my intentions very frequently. I have close friends, but I am an unpleasant person to associate with right now due to mood swings, medication alterations, etc. Sorry for the additional round of word vomit. Also, sorry for this post being particularly triggery.

AL, to get through all of this (which is very possible!) you have to begin with the first step and then be patient as you work through it. You know what the first step is..........

A basic principle is that the way CSA makes you feel isn't the way you actual are.

You feel worthless, dirty, and evil due to the CSA, but you in reality you are not worthless, dirty, or evil.

You feel disgusting and bad at the core, but in reality you are not disgusting or bad at the core.

You feel uniquely bad due to the identity of your abuser, but in reality you were unlucky, not bad. It was not your fault.

You feel beyond repair, but in reality you are repairable.

Knowing that CSA gives rise to these feelings provides perspective. You can expect that treatment for CSA will, over time, help correct these feelings.

There are also treatments for the other conditions you mention. Your porn addiction is understandable given the background you describe. It can be treated, and it does not make you a bad person in the eyes of anyone on this thread. Your "spaciness" might be a manifestation of ADD--have you ever been tested for that?

It would be helpful, at some point, to explore further what you said about your mood swings and about being misunderstood frequently. I wonder, though, if that is giving you as much distress right now as the sexual abuse issues you mentioned? You did say that you have close friends, despite what you said about being difficult to get along with. Perhaps it would be good to focus on the sexual abuse issues first?

This helps a lot, actually. It REALLY helps to hear (read) someone say those things. I so badly want to be at a place in my life/ mental health that I can believe those things about myself. I also want to to be able to enjoy the awesome relationship that my sister and I have ever since she was diagnosed with cancer (she's in remission now). She's such a different person now that it's not hard to forgive her, especially with the knowledge of her own abuse experiences. Now to be ready to forgive myself and move forward... Thank you so much, Bill3! I think that it is definitely wise to focus on the bigger issues first (the sexual abuse issues). Also, I've never been tested for ADD, but I have never had significant trouble concentrating outside of depression issues and have always done well in school. I think that the whole idea of being able to heal and feel like a good, decent person is so novel to me because I spent so much time trying to pretend that the CSA didn't count and didn't affect anything, when really it's the root of almost EVERYTHING. Thank you everyone for helping me feel less crazy. I won't forget your compassion any time soon.

I'm rooting for you autumnleaves...you've already shown so much self-awareness in such a short amount of time...I am really proud of you!

I'm starting to feel really sad about only getting to see my therapist one more time. I trust and like her a lot. Is it normal to feel pretty devastated when one has to leave a therapist that they trust before they're ready?

That is absolutely normal, painful but normal. Especially because this counselor is the first one you ever opened up to. I am so sorry that it has to happen like this, I would love it if you could continue meeting with her. Just know that all of us at PC will help you through the transition and I hope you can find another T who can help you just as much! You are in my thoughts!

I'm really sorry that you have to separate from this counselor. Perhaps think about what words she might have for you to keep in your mind and heart, and also what you would like to tell her, what you would like her to keep in mind and heart.

How are you feeling today autumnleaves?

Oh man. Today is actually horrible. I've been doing kind of ok for the last week or so, but today is just bad. I had to come home early from church. I also ended up hacking my net blocking software this weekend and watching several hours of porn. I feel absolutely worthless and hopeless. I don't really know what to do. If I get the summer job I want, I won't be able to do counseling. I wish I could just give up.

Sorry it's so tough on you right now autumnleaves. You are not worthless or hopeless, you are hurting and coping the best way you know how!

Did something trigger you last night or today?

This was after or separate from church? How were you feeling when you got home from church? How were you feeling when you started the porn?

Feeling worthless and hopeless does not mean that you are worthless and hopeless.

And: Making a mistake is not a sign of being worthless or hopeless. It is a sign of being human.

Think about the events leading up to the porn. In general, keep a record of what events or feelings lead to you watching porn.

Please "dust yourself off" and try again!