Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

First, I think that the stress of switching therapists may have triggered me or the stress of contemplating revealing my addiction to her or to a new therapist. Also, the stress of final exams is affecting me adversely. The porn viewing was separate AND after church. I couldn't stand being at church any more because I just felt too filthy to be in the building. Thank you for your kindness about feeling worthless and hopeless. I will keep trying--that's all I know to do! Thank you for your kindness and support.

Thanks for your response. I'm glad that you will keep trying. Good luck on your exams!

I had my last session with my current therapist today. I'll have to take a break until I know what my schedule will be for the summer. It was a somber experience to say goodbye to someone that I admire and trust. I tried to keep in mind what you said, Bill3, about trying to include things that she wanted me to keep in heart and mind and things that I wanted her to keep in heart and mind. She told me that working with me has been a rewarding experience and also said in the past that she thought I was a really good person and that I have a "pure heart". I told her that I couldn't imagine getting to the place that I am (beginning to cautiously hope that I may be able to be a person that I so desperately want to be) without her help and guidance. I feel that I will be able and am willing to make the transition to a new therapist. We also discussed what it would be like to share things with someone new. I feel good about today in a fledgling, cautious way.

Thanks for letting us know what happened. It's hard to leave such a good relationship, and I'm glad that it went as well as it did. It sounds like you have some glowing embers that can warm you for a bit and maybe nourish or encourage that hope you mentioned.

I am grateful to have "met" you on this forum and I hope that you will continue to speak here. And don't forget about listening lines if you ever want to talk live with someone accepting and nonjudgmental. You could tell those listeners as much, or as little, as you wish until you figure out your schedule.

Hang in there!

(Hugs) I'm sorry all of this has happened to you!! I'm glad you are reaching out and getting help and that they are bending the rules so you can get all the help you need! I have been reading this but haven't known what to say as I am going through a somewhat similar situation. I hope the new counselor is just as great as this one and you are able to heal even further!
I agree with trying to just think of what she would say, or keep her words with you. I'm not leaving my therapist but when I miss her during the week, I will go back to an email she wrote or just something she said and think about it and it helps!
Were here for you

Wow, great work AL!

Hello again. I failed a very difficult practical performance exam today for the 3rd time. While it is not unusual to fail this exam, it is somewhat unusual to fail it 3 times. I feel very strongly that I should have passed. I think the meds are definitely helping regulate my mood because I didn't cry or scream, I was just VERY angry (justifiably so!). I played a difficult solo, an etude, and 6 scales perfectly and made 3 minor errors on scales (that I corrected) and they failed me. I am not exaggerating. Anyway, I am currently holding on for dear life trying not to spiral right now because I am upset and have no therapy session in sight and a LOT of homework to do tonight to finish a few of my classes. Any support would be very welcome. Also, I cannot say enough how grateful I am for your kind words! Doodle, I often feel the same way you do! I read threads but just don't know what to say to help. And Sannah, THANK YOU!!! Bill3, you're so compassionate. I appreciate and admire you guys!

It's good the meds are helping. I'm sorry you failed the exam though Can you take it again? Can you talk to them and see what you did wrong/how you can improve?
I'm sorry you are feeling on the edge...just hang in there. Things will get better! When will you get to see the new therapist? Maybe you can call/email and talk to the old one for now?

Thanks for your response! It's an exam that doesn't necessarily mean failure for the course (applied saxophone performance) I will still probably get a B in the course. I just have to pass the pass fail partition of the grade for this exam before I can graduate. As of now, I'm slated to graduate in the spring of 2013 (I'll be a five year student), so I have 3 semesters left to pass it with one chance per semester. I'm very sure I'll pass in this amount of time, but it's very frustrating to devote that much time and effort to something and just have to keep doing it over and over and over again. Also, I'll be able to see a new therapist whenever I know what my work schedule will be/whenever I get a job and I can call in to make an appointment. However, I have VERY limited communication with my current therapist because she is also a student at my university (she's a counselor at the university Counseling Center). I have not been authorized or given permission to email her or contact her in any way other than person to person and she is not working for the Counseling Center over the summer. Sooooo, I'm just gonna have to hang in there. Thanks so much for everything!

Oh ok, I got it. I can definitely see how that is frustrating, but you have 3 semesters, and will hopefully only need 1 to pass I know you can do it!!
Can you make an apt with a new therapist before you know what work will be and then switch it around later if it doesn't fit? It just sounds like you could use the support.
Thinking of you

autumnleaves, I'm sorry that the exam did not work out. You sound frustrated and disappointed. I'm sorry.

I'm impressed with your resilience. It sounds like you are in fairly good shape so far considering the circumstances. What do you think? How are you feeling now? Have you been able to get some work done?

Hang in there! (and thank you for your kind words )

Doodle, I could definitely use the support! I woke up to a new day today and it's sunny and cool and nice out today. Obviously, I still failed and I'm still going to have to prepare all new repertoire for my next try, but I'm kind of over being upset about it. I'm feeling pretty stable right now. I think that I am very impressed with how I've handled the situation so far. I got all of the work done, even if I did end up going to bed at 5:30am, lol. Thanks, Bill3 and Doodle!

Excellent! I hope it is okay to say: I am proud of you.

That is always a wonderful thing to hear! (read)

AL, that exam sounds tough. You still have 3 semesters to accomplish this. Yeah, I don't know how people can perform perfectly. Anyone who can do something like that is incredible. Whenever I watch dancers or Olympians or performers I think this everytime. I could never practice until perfection but there are folks out there who can.

I think that you are doing good handling this!

Sooooooo, I just got off of the phone with my saxophone professor and long story short, he reviewed the grades sheets and decided that it was unfair that I failed. He is passing me!!! It is REALLY bizarre, but whatever! This is awesome!

Wow!!!

Congratulations!!!

Tell us: how did this happen? Did you call to ask about your grade?

I am so happy to hear this great news!

!!!!!!!!

Great news!!

He decided that 1) he hadn't warned me that all scales would need to be at the same tempo (which they weren't) 2) The panel of woodwind faculty didn't know that the piece that I was playing was improvisatory and interpreted it unfairly 3) They also didn't know my history of TMJ in relation to inconsistent vibrato. So, he's passing me! yay!

Yay! I am so happy for you!

If you don't mind, though, I am wondering how the call began. Did he call you? Did you call him?

YAY!!! I'm so happy for you! It must be such a relief to know that you passed and now you don't have to worry about it in the future! Awesome!

It is a relief!! Also, Bill3 he called me to inform me that I had passed.

What a thrilling call to get!

AL - I am so proud of all the progress you are making! Sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders and excellent insight in your own struggles - truly amazing characteristics to have!

Thank you so my CSC. Your words are so kind. I hope that you are right. Today has been very rough. I think I'm getting sick and I'm feeling pretty depressed today. I think it might partially be the stress of not yet having a summer job. I have to get a job in order to pay for school next year. I also don't know when I will be able to return to therapy. It's hard for me to validate my depression and feelings outside of therapy right now. I'm hoping that I will feel better tomorrow. Thank you to everyone.