[corpuscallosum]

When I tried to write all the things here my mother used to say to me repeatedly, over and over again while I was growing up - it all got asterisked out in the preview. Just goes to show she was totally anti-social and unreasonable. Wish I'd had the power of objective distance back then, then I would have realized just how ridiculous it was and how sick she was. Someone should have given her an ASBO and put us into care, but who knows - what didn't finish me off might have made me stronger.

Just let it go I suppose.

[purple_fins]

Yea, too bad we didn't have the *bleep* sound, when we were children, as hurtful things were said to us. I'm sorry you experienced such things.

As children-- new to the world-- we look to the adults around us to affirm lessons we're trying to grasp. like-- "why are you so stupid?"... again and again... or hearing talk like-- "oh fins? heh, she doesn't need anything- she's in her own little world". (and thus-- left to her own little world)

Objective distance would have been such a tool back then indeed.....

alas, the lessons become ingrained and to get them OUT of the head is very hard work!
Some may be able to "let it go"(as you said)--
but I think,
most fight inner battles daily... and have to learn about the tools
they so needed but never learned of in their youth, as they were preoccupied with mere survival-- basic instincts.

best to you
fins

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by corpuscallosum

Just let it go I suppose.

Or work through it.

[corpuscallosum]

I fight inner battles every day, I work through it.... sometimes I am not aware of a problem but when I am ... and when I understand it ... then I can let it go. I have only recently understood my mother's behaviour - don't know how - it sure took long enough... it no longer has the charge it used to have, which is why it was cast aside, naturally and without effort. But the other battles - must be won too.

Working through it - the work is hard and I do not belittle it in any way. But sometimes, speaking as a person with an occasionally hyperactive mind - it is best just to let it go.

There is always work to do.... inner work.... or simply cleaning my stuff out and throwing away old clothes. Sometimes it is nice to just watch whodunnits and listen to music and do nothing at all

One week to go... I am terrified, have had IBS symptoms all day, and I never suffered from that before. Step one of leaving my miserable marriage.

[corpuscallosum]

How on earth is one supposed to forgive when "forgive" becomes a command that we must do when we really just want to give room to that hurt and rage. Surely we must allow ourselves to be hurt and angry then the forgiveness and letting go can come with our healing. I say this only because I feel awful, like I am cheating myself when I tell myself that I forgive them because we all know that that is what we should/ought/must do..... when all I feel is hurt and pain.

I spent a long time making up reasons why I didn't have to face any of my pain because I forgave my abusers. Suddenly - no - hang on (because you have to face that pain sooner or later anyway) me first... I am hurting... go away... no I won't meet my abusers for Christmas dinner.... what a relief and release.

I still love my sister who holds me in contempt. I love my father who refuses to take his blinkers off, I love my brother who was beaten and who became a bully in turn.... but loving these people doesn't heal me... too much altruism towards the why of my abusers' actions has poisoned my self-esteem.

I am afraid of telling them all exactly what I think of them. Hmmph!

Yes, I know forgiveness comes in its time. But I am having an angry moment. I know the 12 steps and similar processes. Maybe I will go and paint my rage on canvass - but every time I do that - the painting always looks beautiful, not raw and angry at all. Strange.

[Sannah]

corpus, you said many wise things here! I think that you know exactly what you need. This is so good. Of course the anger and your feelings need to come out before forgiveness. This is the process!!

Getting the abusers to see it your way, however, rarely if ever happens, so you might not get that satisfaction.

You can still heal without getting validation from your abusers.

Dealing with abusers actually is really a very big waste of time. Find healthy people to deal with, not these dysfunctional ones who will suck the very life out of you until the last drop.

Yeah, what Sannah said.

Keep in mind too that saying, "I forgive you," is not the same thing as saying, "I am fine with what you did. Let's pretend it never happened. You're perfectly welcome to continue being part of my life, treating me the same as you always have." It's more like, "You did something terrible, but I'm not going to hope you burn in hell for it." Forgiveness is nothing more than giving up your need to see them punished for what they did. You can forgive and still never have anything to do with them ever again.

[corpuscallosum]

"Find healthy people to deal with, not these dysfunctional ones who will suck the very life out of you until the last drop."

"Forgiveness is nothing more than giving up your need to see them punished for what they did. You can forgive and still never have anything to do with them ever again."

(Don't know how to quote yet)

Thank you Sannah and LovebirdsFlying! You are also both very wise!

Finding healthy people is scary, a bit of a challenge - then you know you have to behave (joke) - but also recognizing healthy people (I guess that's the majority of the population of the Earth). Growing up in a sick family didn't seem anything other than normal at the time. I thought most families were like mine, which is why it was so long before I asked for help. Boy! when I discovered a different, kind, loving type of human being it was a big shock - a great relief, but I cried long and hard and was confused for a while, but ultimately it was an enormous opportunity for humbling and healing myself.

What you said about forgiveness is wonderful - with that in mind I can already see that I have forgiven my stepfather and my mother... there's still some work to do on my father and my siblings, but it seems to be within the normal spectrum of gripes and grumbles. Even if I do discover that some other grizzly memory rears its head and I've some more work to do on that... I know I don't want any of them to be punished - no point in that. But it is very satisfactory that I don't have to feel obliged to have anything to do with them. Some work to do on the "having to feel obliged" - I think!