[dalila]

<font color="green"> I so much wish my mother had not been abusive, I wish she had not had a mental breakdown and tried to kill me when I was a toddler. It still hurts that she beat me as a teen. I don't know how to be angry with those I love because I fear losing the relationship. Perhaps if I understood why she turned on me I could heal and learn to trust. Today I am near to my 52nd birthday and still I yearn and ache for the mother she started out as, the one my heart recalls.

My Heart Recalls

Somehow, my heart recalls
Your warm and tender care
Snuggling safe in your arms
Your heartbeat my lullaby.

My body recalls the pain
The fear and the shame
Why did you turn against me?
What did I do so wrong?

How does love allow
Beatings and neglect?
Or was it changed to hate?
What caused the awful breach?

</font>

[tranquility]

Dalila,

I understand your pain and yearning. I always wished my mother would be the person that I wanted her to be. I've been in counseling for 16 years and it started with dealing with sexual abuse by grandfather.

I have to say, dealing with my mother issues has taken alot longer. I intellectually know that my mother is limited and she is the best she can be and that it has nothing to do with me. But, the little girl in me still wishes that she was the mom I want.

I wish I could say something that would make this go away but there really isnt. It's just trying to come to acceptance and knowing it's not your stuff it's her stuff.



Tranquility

dalila--

I hear you and I feel your pain. I cannot say that I yearn for a mother because I do not. Mine had surgery today and I have no feelings. I do not know how to wish for a mother only hide. I hope you know that it was not you. That you deserved to loved and cared for. Know you are in my thoughts. Keep writing, we are listening.

purplesecrets

[beelieving]

Hi dalila,

I’m sure I’m amongst many who wish there were some magic wand to wave, vanishing all of the pain around issues like this. But like tranquility mentioned it’s a matter of reaching acceptance and recognizing that it wasn’t your fault.

Although my mother is still living I walk life with the reality of how unavailable she is to me. For a long time I believed that I was a bad child and that it was my job to mend our relationship. I’ve always felt like a failure around it and would obsess over new and better ways to gain her love. It wasn’t until recently my therapist helped me to understand how limited both of my parents are. And no matter how hard I try on my end, nothing will change as long as they’re stuck on their end. Like you, I crave answers and reasons and as much as I hate to hear that this is the best my parents can do... I’m somehow able to see the truth in it. And after accepting this reality and realizing that their behavior has nothing to do with me, I’m now able to genuinely grieve over not having those parents I’ve always wished for. And what’s surprising to me is how much weight has been lifted from my heart. I never realized how big of burden I was carrying.

I’m not cured though and I ache for a parent’s warm embrace just as you do. I don’t think that will ever fade since it’s a natural human instinct. But one thing I’ve learned is how we can all practice being more kind to ourselves. We should treat our wounds like we would for a dear friend... with patience, love, and reassurance.

Take care and I send you thoughts of peace and comfort. ~ Bee

[Sunybear]

I'm 44 and I still yearn for a loving, kind, understanding, supportive mom. I glimpsed her a time or two growing up, just enough to let me know it was possible...but, well..

She saw me as the other woman.. and she treated me as such. Now she is still in competition with me.. .still jealous.. still two-faced..and still as emotionally incompetetent as she always was... it took me years to figure out her incompetence.

I go from pity, to anger, to disgust.. and I love her too.. and i want her to love me back and mean it..Yet I know it will never happen.. so I guess that stays with ya... that sense of loss.

Anyway....

[drummergrl]

My heart breaks everytime I think of my mom. She too, was an abusive parent. Left alone to raise four children in a Navy world must have taken its greatest toll on her. She would be more physical on the two youngest in her care, myself and younger brother. I never imagined that it had anything to do with her "mental" stability. When you're a young child you don't put things in that prospective. That comes years down the road if at all?
My mother took her own life about 14 years ago, and still my heart yearns for the "mother" I don't have. It drives me crazy thinking she did that as a last ditch effort for control, and I refuse to believe that. That's insane.....but maybe? she was. It's too hard to speculate and does no good.
I forgive her. I only wanted to be "loved" for who I really am, not what I couldn't be for her.

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((((((((hugs to everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))

it is definitely hard when we realize that our mom's have their own issues and that's the way it is. nothing we can do about it.

dalila, i'm sure your mother wishes she had been the mother your heart recalls too ((((((((((((dalila)))))))))))))))