[Elana05]

I know I've posted this before but I just really needed to hear I'm not alone.

Due to mistrust of loved ones from the past I find I cannot sleep in the same bed as my S/O. I just have a lot of trouble with it. I have to sleep in a separate bedroom. If I am in the same bed as my S/O I can't "shut off." My body won't let go. I don't feel safe because I learned at a very early age the people you love can't be trusted. (My S/O is totally kind and caring so this isn't even an issue). I am just all nerves. Thing is... It makes my S/O so sad. I really really really really want to be able to sleep in the same bed. This is what normal couples do. My S/O has given me the space to sleep in another room. But now an odd thing is happening. My S/O's sibling is coming to visit and they have agreed that sharing a bed might be the best solution. (We have a small place and I have taken the guest room). I am not ready to give up my technical place next to my S/O to my S/O's sibling!!! I am ready to not sleep alone anymore. But I don't exactly know how. It's like my body has a mind of its own. Even though I feel relaxed some part of my is HYPER vigalent. Like my subconscious is saying, "Nope, can't fall asleep - gotta stay safe." Then when I'm alone with the door shut I have no trouble falling right to sleep. Ugg.

[danii24]

i dnt know if this is the same but i wont sleep with a man unless im completelyt outta it. i cant feel comfortable unless im wasted but thats how the abuse lfet me. i was always so fascinated by what "normal" cupples do and how they feel. my t is heklping me feel hoe i actually feel but i know if i was u i would feel so much pressure wth epoelp staying. keep well and keep posting here so we know u are well.

[googley]

Elana-
I haven't had this specific thing. But I know I have a really hard time sleeping when I share a bed with anyone. I also get that anxious feeling. Even when I was a kid I found it hard to share a bed with someone at sleepovers. I think you should talk about this in your couples T if you haven't already. Some sort of exposure therapy type work might help. Maybe not in time for her sister's visit, but over time.

[Sannah]

Exposure therapy sounds like a good idea. The only thing that is going to convince you that she is safe is experiencing that she is safe (sleeping with her and realizing that you are okay).

[skeksi]

I've been there. When I lived with a boyfriend, I couldn't stand being in bed with him. I didn't yet understand about my trauma and PTSD so I thought it was a crazy thing about me and I pretended I didn't feel that way. Ooh, those were hard times.

Sannah is right, though, if you want to be okay with it, you'll have to face your fear. It would help if you have a T who can walk you through the steps of exposing yourself to the feared situation and also give you ways to cope with your anxiety during the process.

[Elana05]

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

I really do want this. This is a change from how I felt before where I thought it was just too hopeless.
It is SO hard. The last two nights I fell asleep at 2AM. Last night I just had to move to the couch for part of the night but returned to the bed at 6AM. It was the best I could do. My brain just will not shut off. I don't feel anxious or anything and I do feel super tired (I have even been taking 2 benadryls plus valerian). By 2AM I am SO frustrated by laying there and being super exhausted, tossing and turning but unable to sleep. Then I go to the couch and wham, I'm asleep because I'm safe. It's nuts. I feel angry at my brain.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Then I go to the couch and wham, I'm asleep because I'm safe. It's nuts. I feel angry at my brain.

You're angry at your brain, but gosh, it's doing a really good job trying to protect you! It's making sure you aren't asleep with a man, which would leave you very vulnerable to being hurt.

Of course, the irritating thing is that intellectually, you realize you're safe in bed with him. But on a gut level, your brain does not yet understand. I have found it helpful to stop criticizing my reactions (which are endlessly embarrassing and disruptive!) and instead to sort of salute them. They are my very best efforts, in the moment, to be safe. Reteaching safety to your brain takes some time, so be patient with yourself. You will learn to go through the fear rather than around it.

[Sannah]

How about if you get an air mattress and keep moving it closer and closer to her each night?