I wrote an angry e-mail to my T in the middle of the night last night. I think I feel angry that he only sees the bad in my abuser. Once this person got sober, everything was okay, and I was like TEN then. That is a lot of years of okay. Other people really really liked this person. He went to church work camps with me, and we went running together, and when I was an adult, we had a good, comfortable relationship.

I don't know why the stupid dreamy stuff that happened at night when I was little is more important than the stuff that came later.

I'm angry.

[WePow]

((Tree)) Oh yes! That makes sense! Your T will understand. It is all an important part of healing trauma. When someone we know, trust, and love has harmed us, we are put into an emotional double-bind. That is very difficult to deal with at times.
We love the person and hate them or their past actions both at the same time.

My T taught me that it is OK to feel both things at the same time. Both are valid emotions.

[doogie]

Yes. I get really angry when my t talks about my dad as this bad abuser person. It wasn't all bad. Sometimes he was fun and happy - I haven't learned yet how I can hold both the anger/sadness/dislike from the trauma as well as the love and care for the same person. It seems impossible.

[purple_fins]

Yes, *sigh*.... it can be so confusing and upsetting.

Treehouse

oh wow

I am really struggling right now. I'm paralyzed. I have so much to do and I feel frozen. My heart is racing.

I have no one to talk to in real life about this besides T. I see T on Friday. And weirdly, I feel ANGRY at T, even though he very literally has done NOTHING to deserve it. He's just the same loving supportive T he's always been. I don't know where else to put the anger.

This. feels. horrible.

[purple_fins]

Treehouse

I've been struggling too, I should be at work and must go after this post. focus is hard when struggling.

can I tell you something?
-- one time I had a therapist that said he would have to call the authorities on my mother-- I felt shock and hatred towards the T.!! and at the same time confusion... as a part of me knew he was right....
yet...
another part of me couldn't go there..... that woman didn't deserve that, did she?.... so confusing-- it was easier to be upset with the T. than to be upset with the mother.....

maybe your T. is expressing a "truth" that is hard for you to grasp?... just guessing here.....

I hope you find some peace and comfort... in the sunshine, the golden autumn leaves, the brisk air... whatever can give YOU some peace for the moment.

got to run now... I'm so late!

fins

[opheliasorrow]

Hello Treehouse

It sounds like you are a little overwhelmed? When babies are alarmed they actually go into freeze mode and it will repeat at any other time in our lives when we are unsure/scared/angry. It may be worth talking to your T about how to soothe yourself when he is not around. Sometimes being overwhelmed is exactly when we need that comfort, maybe we lacked it in the past at some stage when we needed it, therefore it is so valuable to be able to soothe ourselves at times like this. Beneath anger is hurt/pain. It is so important to recognise the anger of course and to know our triggers as you probably know, but also to self soothe is a blessing when we are able to do it. I'm still working on it too xx take care xxx

[skeksi]

I get very anxious when I talk about my abuser and how I hate to see him at family events, because he's fine now, normal, and I feel like, how dare I get upset when he's FINE now? But T always says, you don't react to how he is NOW. You react to what he triggers in you.

I'm not saying this is what's happening, I'm just thinking aloud (so to speak): but what if this is not so much about how T sees the abuser, but how you do? Maybe you are becoming brave enough to claim your feelings about that person. Maybe it's scary to be able to say, unequivocably, what he did was bad, even though it was decades ago and even though he's fine now, you still have a RIGHT to be hurt and scared and mad. I don't know, I just find that often when I tell T, "YOU feel this way," it's because I'm not yet ready to say "I feel this way."

No matter what, it sounds like you are struggling with reconciling that people who hurt us are not always abusive and terrible towards us. That doesn't mean the abuse didn't happen. It doesn't mean we weren't hurt. And it doesn't change the fact that the abuse was wrong.

Originally Posted by skeksi

Maybe it's scary to be able to say, unequivocably, what he did was bad, even though it was decades ago and even though he's fine now, you still have a RIGHT to be hurt and scared and mad.

He died about 7 years ago, of cancer at age 56.

His death was really the beginning of the insane downward spiral that finally led me to therapy. And I think the fact that he isn't here anymore makes it REALLY hard for me to comprehend having negative feelings towards him.

Such hard stuff.

[skeksi]

I'm sorry, I misunderstood.

Originally Posted by skeksi

I'm sorry, I misunderstood.

No, skeksi, what you said was VERY helpful. I'M sorry I didn't make that more clear, really.

I guess I was just realizing that I feel guilty saying these things about my dad, when he's dead and can't "defend himself" (it doesn't make any sense, but so little does with all of this, you know?)

I think you are SO BRAVE to be able to talk about this stuff and work on your healing and still be around your brother. It took me years of my dad being gone before I could even go NEAR the topic, years when I could have been healing. You are very courageous, and I always, ALWAYS look forward to reading your posts. That is TRUTH.


Thank you to EVERYONE who is helping me in this thread. I feel so triggered by all of this that I can't believe anyone can even stand to read it...I really appreciate you guys so much.