When and how to tell bf about abuse

I officially have a boyfriend now. He asks me questions about my family allot. I generally only tell the good stuff.. When in the relationship do you need to disclose other information about your family. Its hard. I don't want to scare him away. I also haven't told him about my bulimia or other issues. Which to tell first? Not to mention, my brother went into psychosis for a while. He knows none of this.

((((((((((((EV)))))))))))))

I just want you to know that I've read this. This is a really hard, individual, question...which requires an individual response as everyone and everything involves from one to the next.

I can tell you that I STILL haven't told my hubby much after 19 yrs. of marriage. He didn't even know that I was abused until about 3 yrs ago, and still doesn't know the extent.

When we've discussed it, I've taken his cue as to whether or not to go further. He would clench his jaw, because he felt angry for me, and I would say no more. He wanted to know no more either. I think it made him angry and to feel helpless.

That's the only suggestion that I would have, I guess. I would "give a little" and check his responses to see if it's safe for you (he's showing understanding, etc.) to tell more, and if you think he can handle more.

I know that others here might not agree with me and believe in full disclosure. However, my hubby and I talked very honestly about this a couple of months ago and I told him that T was pushing me to tell him more. I told hubby that I told t, "Hubby doesn't want to know more. I've brought it up many times and he doesn't pursue it." I then looked at hubby for response to see if I was right once and for all. He said, "I don't think I could handle more without blank blank". I had my answer. Hubby is a man who would feel that he would need to act now, even though it was then if that makes sense. It's worked out for the best all the way around, because quite frankly, there's alot about me that I just don't want him to know as I haven't yet dealt with it.

With respect and wishing well,

KD

for me it depends on the situation and person. Years ago I did disclose because there was a possibility of one of my abusers breaking in and coming after me in which case that made my significant others a target too, so I felt it wasn't fair to not tell them and suddenly one night having to deal with a break in/attack. Now there is no reason for advance notice because that abuser is dead so now I base how much I tell on the person. I don't hide it either. I still answer flat out - question "whats your family like?" - answer "like any other family sometimes we get along some times we don't . right now with most of them we don't so we are staying clear of each other. Like with any other family there is an occasional member or two that I consider border on abuse and stay away from those. I have contact with so and so and so ...." If the question of was I abused comes up (usually after a nightmare) I say yea as a matter of fact I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused some from family members that are no longer in my life and some from others - strangers, acquaintences. Right now I'm not ready to discuss the details but I do have nightmares and mood swings because of it so if I suddenly strike out in my sleep or suddenly act different don't take it personally just give me some time and maybe ask what I need or give me space and I'll be fine. That is usually enough information for the person to understand me and they leave it at that.

I think if you feel this relationship is worth the trouble, then you should reveal the reality of your past, which is apart of you and who you are. If he really likes you, then these situations will not determine what happens in the relationship. I wouldn't avoid telling him, because eventually the truth of the past, always seems to come up again in life.

I hope it all works out for you.

Desirae