[Jordy]

When I was 9 to 13 I was sexually abused by my brother in many different ways. I've told my family when I was 16, but never got any support... I'm 29 now and unfortunately still living with my mom as I don't have a full time job and can't support myself. (This is my next goal in therapy)

Sundays are always triggering to me because my brothers comes for the traditional sunday lunch with his family and to make matters worse I have to sit next him at the table. This is already far too invasive for me. So basically I drink every week to get through the meal.

But today he went one step further and I just dont know how to handle it: His 2-year old son was recently diagnosed as mildly autistic and as difficult as it is for me I try to treat him as respectfully as possible even though all his screaming,hitting things, ignoring me and so on is triggering to me. I keep telling myself he's only an innocent child. But today as I was lying down on the couch after lunch trying to collect myself my brother actually grabbed a plush toy and showed his son how to hit me with it on the head.
I think he meant it playfully, but that kid is already hitting far too much, showing him something like that is like worst parenting ever. And to me is was freaking triggering... I felt like he was abusing me again and like his son was going to be next one to hurt me.
I'm feeling so worthless... can't understand how anyone can teach a two year old to actually hit his aunt... and when I complained no one actually cared. Every one was like it's only a game. No to me it was NOT, I was being abused again and felt like a helpless little girl.

My T already advised me to try and avoid being at home on Sundays, but that's so difficult to do. The only place I have to go is my horses, but who wants to eat sunday lunches alone in a cold stable...

[falsememory7]

Oh I'm so sorry that you experienced that Jordy - I agree with you, that feels like abuse, and can be really triggering and brings back terrible memories! I experienced something very similar when I was younger, and was s**ually abused by a very close family member in different ways for several years, and I still have difficulty coping sometimes today... but things do get better. I agree with your T, that separating yourself from your home on Sundays is a good idea, and could really help you in your process to recovery. I know that right now, the weather is freezing and the stables can be lonely, but I think that lunch there with the company of your horses in cold weather, would be so much better and less triggering than lunches with your brother and his triggering son in warmer conditions. Maybe just bundle up, and take some apples or sugar cubes to your horses, and spend time with them. Atleast try it one Sunday and see how it goes. I hope that everything works out, just keep hanging in there. And feel free to message me if you ever want to talk more about this, or anything in general

[Jordy]

Thank you for your support! I know keeping myself safe on sundays should be my priority, but I can't shake the feeling that if I leave the house to flee this situation it's because I did something wrong. He should be the one ashamed to even come to this house, and I should not have to leave... But I know he'll never get it!
I think I will try to talk to a friend ans ask if it's ok if once in a while I spend my sundays with her family, that would at least be a start.

[nicoleflynn]

That is terrible, teaching a child to abuse you. Try to stay away from him/them as much as possible; go to your room when the abuse begins. Use your boundaries and say, "No" I will not stand for this abusive behavior, then walk away; don't argue with anyone. Just remove yourself. This is NOT a game. This is sick, abusive behavior. you can stop it by removing yourself.

[Jordy]

Thank you for reassuring me... I feel bad about complaining about this as he's only a toddler and didn't really physically hurt me. But on an emotional level I was a complete mess afterwards.
You reminded me of something my T told me once: "Don't take this wrong, but you're family is absolutely crazy!" I guess she was right...

And yes, removing myself from the scene by going to my room may be a good option. Will try it next time.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Jordy,

I am so sorry you were sexually abused by your brother. But what's worse is that he neither has apologised, nor your mother is taking it seriously about how traumatic it must be for you to face your abuser every week when he isn't remorseful for his behaviour. I'm so sorry that no one understood your pain then and they are not understanding it now.

Does the boy's mother know that he abused you?? If not, I think she should know. Because all abusers are narcissists and the baby's mother should know that she's leaving her son with a potential abuser. Tomorrow he may abuse your nephew. If he's not being a responsible father....can you get child support involved??

You don't have to go thru the torture of seeing your abuser every week, especially when you are healing from it. Maybe you can just volunteer at some place every saturday - church or animal shelter or some old age home or children's home....or maybe you can join some weekend class (you'd gain some skill and avoid your brother).
Or, you can just take buses to some other city, eat there and come back to your home....provided you love bus journey. May be you can travel to some place, take pics and maintain some travel blog.

Don't face your brother if it hurts you. Avoid him in any way you can.

Hope you can work this out with your T.

We're here to help....Good luck!!

[Jordy]

Thank you for your support! It means a lot to me as except for T no one seems to realize how difficult it is for me to face him every week.

Yes, his girlfriend knows everything, but she says he was only a teenager who made a stupid mistake and won't do it again. Well, yes he was a teenager, but i abused me over a fur year period on a regularly basis up two twice a week... no, that's not one stupid mistake ans teenager does!

If have to leave home on sundays my best option is really my horses. I love them to bits and they can keep me safe when I need it. Sounds crazy but when I was really depressed and looking after Jordy (my horse) full time knowing that if I was hurt he wouldn't get fed in the mornig kept me alive... some people at the yard would probably have fed him later in the day, but I didn't want him to miss one single meal because of me...

[blueredgrey]

Dear Jordy,

It's wonderful that you have someone to love you back unconditionally. Jordy, spending weekend with Jordy sounds a wonderful idea . I love doggies!

But also do try to expand your social group. When your family fails you, you do need another support network. You can try spread your weekends to different stuff........anything that gets you away from your brother, unless he enters therapy and mends his ways.

good luck!!

[Jordy]

Exapanding my social group is very difficult to me, but I do try. First even if I say I'd spent the day with my horse, my best friend and his family live just next to the stables. So I'd probably see them too.
And because both my horses are retired I've started going to a local riding school and meeting new people. I'm trying to find things to do outside of horses, but they're really my comfort zone...

[Jordy]

My brother and is family are downstairs... fiirst thing my brother did today was hitting me with his kid's foam puzzle! I hate this! He should be the one ashamed to set a foot in this house, but all he does when he comes here is to *playfully* bully me! No one realizes how hurt I am every time he does it! I just retreated to my room, and I'm a bit drunk... I'd like to sleep the day away and forget about my crappy life. But if I do that I won't be able to sleep tonight and I'm working tomorrow.... All I want is to be hugged and loved, but apparently that's too much to ask for!