[Sanada]

*Warning May Trigger*

I have never posted here before. Now that I have been with PC for awhile I think I should (so any who may know me from forums or chat will know a little bit more about me).

My mother was abused by my father, very badly. He used to throw her down the stairs and hold her down and beat her face till it was bleeding lots.
I was told this after my father had died, apparently I witnessed this when I was 4 years old. It was something he did a lot when he came home from abroad (he was an alcoholic).
One of my brothers is surprised I don't remember because he told me that I would be curled in the corner screaming my head off. He also did this kinda of abuse to us kids too (4 boys), I am the youngest.
After mom died he re-married and the abuse of women continued, he continued to abuse me in violent ways and my brothers. They were older than I though so they got out quicker than I. I stayed with him till I was 20ish years old, then I finally left home. I did not see him again till 9 months-ish before he died (2008). Just the act of going to see him was my way of forgiving him for what he had done in his life.

I must say also he had PTSD badly from the army (he was blown up and had 4 gunshot wounds to the chest and shrapnel in his eyes and body and brain). In such circumstances the doctors will not remove the shrapnel from eyes and brain because it can kill the patient. This happened to him in 1952, I was born in 1970 (the late and last).

I have a two sided way of looking at this abuse and how to deal with it. It still messes me up thinking about the years of torture and psych abuse he inflicted; but.....(always a crappy but)....but he was one of the most intellectual person I ever knew as a kid. He taught me how to play chess when he was home and not beating (I remember playing chess and knowing it at about 4-5 yrs old). I was not very good but I played still. He was the boss in what he did, big stuff in oil (engineer), and he got ''gggrrrrrrr'' published too.
He taught me lots around the abuse, he showed me the planets when I was tiny, but still he abused violently and horribly (all within the family).

I somehow managed to forgive him of this nightmare childhood he inflicted on me (not just me), my brothers got it 'really' bad too, and the women even worse in my opinion. I have so many memories of blood (blood on me and others) loads, and hiding in closets and family members having to try to pursuade me out of a cupboard. Nightmares and sleepwalking all over the place (probably because of the abuse), and all sorts of really *****d up stuff.

But..I forgave him?

Maybe I forgave him because I look at my self as a person and I like what I see as a person. I am the least violent, abusive, nasty person you could ever know irl,

and I am very clever (hears trumpets and horns sound...oh....they are mine.lol).

If I post replies in this forum I just want anyone I post/reply to, to maybe know this.

A lot of people as I was in student and early 20s right through to my 30s were surprised at how least violent and 'not messed up' I was.
Some friends though did say..."when I hit my late 30s, I will have to deal with these issues". They were not wrong.

Thank you if you read this, and I hope I can help with posts and replies in this particular forum.

Psych Central =

[SophiaG]

Traumatic Bonding.

Look it up.

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

Traumatic Bonding.

Look it up.

To you SophiaG. I will look that up. Where would I find information about that, google it or is there a place in psych central that deals with that subject.

Traumatic Bonding, it sounds logical.

Thank you

[SophiaG]

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpres...matic-bonding/

???

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpres...matic-bonding/

???

Thank you for that link SophiaG. I relatively new to the net so I am not so good at finding things on-line.
That link has loads that makes sense and I am sure it will help me and explain some of my behaviour aspects in myself.

[Sanada]

thanks 4 the replies "NOT"....

hhhuuhhh why am i here.

[Open Eyes]

((((Sanada)))),
Why are you here? Well if you mean in this forum, I think that it is great that you decided to talk about your past, you probably needed to do that with others that understand being abused.

What I like about what you have done is you looked at the man behind the abuse.
And you mentioned he had PTSD, some men who have it get " white outs" which is such a huge rage that they can be violent and then afterwards not remember all they did while they were lashing out in the rage. And alcohol can make it worse, alcohol aggrivates PTSD even though it may seem to ease the symptoms, it really makes it worse.

I was the youngest too Sanada and I saw terrible fights between my brother and father and I knew there was something wrong with my brother, but I really feared him. I can relate to the hiding and not wanting to come out, being afraid. I have a rage button in me too. But I don't want to hurt anyone, I take it into myself which is not good. I am not good at fighting and I trigger if I see men fighting and I can see there are reasons not recognized in triggers and they should not be fighting.

I have a lot of empathy in me for others and I wonder if I was born that way or just saw my brother abused so much that even though I was afraid of him I did feel so sorry for him as I mentioned.

It is good to recognize that yes you had a very difficult childhood but it wasn't due to any lack in you, your father was mentally ill and with all those injuries he suffered, cant blame him for his PTSD.

Will this past effect you later in life, maybe, but you are seeing the story behind your father so that can take away the power of the monster because you have learned and can still learn there was reason.

I am glad you shared your story Sanada, it helps me understand you better. I think you are trying very hard to get back into life after a set back, I hope you continue to make all efforts to continue to invest in yourself.

Open Eyes

[Sanada]

Thank you open eyes. You are right, I am trying to put into perspective my history. I am very afraid of violence, I'll watch really bad 'vengence' films. I read about revenge and try to place into the scope my own experiences.
It does not help really, in fact it makes things worse. I see what I try to be, I'll absorb the violence in the story and then think about my own revenge. Its not just my past, it's my life I lead right now, the people around me are not people I want as friends. All my true friends are gone or have died (young).

The only thing I hold onto now is the best news I have had in all this year - I recieved my loans for my passport and getting in to Europe (I am gonna go see old friends in Paris and Marssile, the south of france). I cannot wait to be away form here - the UK.
It feels like dying here, slowly. I can feel it.

The good thing is that where ever I am, I will have my laptop and PC to come to. Where ever I am on the Planet, I will have my friends and PC to still talk to.

Thank you open eyes.

[Open Eyes]

(((((Sanada)))))

Oh thats wonderful Sanada, you do deserve to break free and enjoy yourself.

Vengence is not really productive, chasing after those that fall short if they have a psychological issue that assists in their behavior isn't productive.

It is difficult sometimes to recover after someone has hurt us. The most important thing to do is continue to work on yourself and build your personal life.

I have been truely challenged with my emotional response regarding my neighbor's neglect that cost me more than I could have ever imagined. I am doing my best through a legal system to hold them accountable, because they truely should pay for the damages resulting from failing to contain their dog, especially after I had many conversations with them from the day they moved in and let their dogs run free.
I do think about wanting them to experience the same hardship they bestowed upon me. But I have to leave most of that up to God. As much as I am deeply distrubed by how they were so disrespectful, all I really want is to be free of the expense of their actions that continue to hold me hostage. And I don't want to continue being angry, which is very hard because it just keeps costing me.

If you can break free Sanada and find ways to continue your life moving forward, that is the best thing you can do for yourself. You have some good plans, keep moving forward, your such a good person and truely deserve to flourish.

Open Eyes

[Sanada]

Thank you open eyes.

Your replies make sense to me, anger is not healthy to keep (its I guess a tool, like a spanner when we need it). To be taken the p*** out of - like your neighbors and there 'wild dogs' it hard to deal with.
I honsetly think that when in life we must take action of our realities and control the situation (regarding childhood its a bit different), but open, I would not let the community rape me of my life and land.

One weird phrase I heard that justifies going to court and getting the authorities involved when being raped (or taken from or having your life and land destroyed), about revenge........."When we take revenge, it not only 'proves' that God exsists, but we are doing his work"...........I got that from a Quientin Tarrentino film......about revenge.

I understand the concept, I understand the lines that get drawn when people take the p***.......but if we did nothing then others and them (the abusers) will never leave us alone. Self defence is a natural thing.

We have to defend our selfs for the time it takes untill we are not in pain. I pray though for the ones who are the 'abusers', I pray there souls are going to be forgiven if they want it.
That is up to them, its up to us to point out that abuse and rape (in all ways), is not acceptable.

Thank you open eyes.
((open))

[Crew]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sanada)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

know what? just wanted you to know that!

Crew

[Sanada]

Thank you Crew.

Ya know what toooooooooooo..................You Rock (like Gibralta)

You guys (my friends at PC, and me your's).....are the best rocks anyone could have.

I would be lost more than ever if it were not for you. I hope, wish and know I will be here for you all here in the same way. I will never abandon PC; for the support you have given me is astounding and - not that I ever thought - believeable. You made me complete by reading my past, having comments on it and helping me see different sides of it. I will return the same support where ever I am on Earth. I will try, and in trying see my self.

PC - Friends - Forum Friends - Chat Friends - Moderators - Admin's - I love you all.
.
Sanada.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx