[kimmydawn]

**************TRIGGER WARNING*********************

ANGRY AND CONTAINING TRIGGERING MATERIAL.





















I've gone throught just about every memory I think I'll ever have in t.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say! Isn't that something? I can say we went through all of that for this? I can say that it's all come out and been talked about and don't have answers to the good questions like WHY???? I think at the very least I could have some questions answered satisfactorily, ya know?

Why did I have to be the only female child born to THAT family? Why did both of the parents in their own ways set that child up for torture and molestation by their first born? How did two such sick people find each other in this big world and then bear children?? Why did we live in isolated communities, moving every 2-3 years so that the child couldn't get close enough to someone to trust and tell? Why did we never have extended family near?

Why did everything come together soooooooooo perfectly to allow for hell on earth for a child?

Yeah, I think at the very least I could have a few answers.

Forgive me for my rant, but now that I see so much, I'm ticked. Why did so many factors to PERFECT abuse come together so easily?

I know that was just "how it was" and the why's are really secondary to dealing and healing, but heck if they don't come a close second for me.

I think of the main abuser living right down the road and his own daughter accused him. Out of fear the child recanted. Children's services visited him...to tell him not to worry about a thing! My younger brother was certain they'd invesigate then because when he answered the door he was so drunk he could barely hold his head up. Instead they said, "Thank you, Mr. ******. We're sorry this happened." I was told that if they'd gone in his house, he would've been arrested for material he possessed there.

The final cruelty? I couldn't prosecute if I wanted to. We moved every couple of years. It's a matter of jurisdiction, you know. Yeah, and he lives 15 miles away.

I don't get it.

KD

[LMo]

(((( KD ))))

[SweetSunshine]

WOw KD I am so sorry hon ((((((((((KD)))))))))) . I know your pain. I lived under the same roof as my abuser. And it still didnt protect me . I dont know how we as childrent could be protected from such awful horrendous things such as what we've been thru . I wish I had the answers I really do. I'd like to know them too. We deserve them. Its so painful to know that the sob's will not get what is coming to them because they are either dead or we fear them. In my case its both. I fear my brother. And the one surviving rapist. The other two rapists are dead now. Sweetie we just got to know that we are here and we have people who love us and will help us get thru this. Thats all I know to tell you .. thats all I know myself. You know I will try to help if I can. PM me anytime.

Hugz~
Bethy

why?

i think about why a lot.
why can't i have a therapist?
why was i born?
why was my mother so messed up?
why did i have to be born to them etc etc.

i have heard that it can help to think of those less fortunate than ourselves.

why are some people dying of dehydration?
why are some people not receiving treatment for hiv?
why are some people being blown up?

but really... that just gets me despairing over the state of humanity in general.

it can be hard not to think of it as the universe conspiring against us in some way...
but i guess thinking of those less fortunate can help us see that if there is a conspiracy...
we aren't the main targets
not by a long shot

(i hope you appreciate i'm not at all trying to minimise or downplay your legitimate anger / suffering etc. just trying to help you maybe put some of the events in a greater context which might help alleviate the anger / suffering somewhat).

because... i know i have a tendancy to think of the 'happy healthy person with the caring supportive family etc' and feel resentful WHY DIDN'T I GET THAT LOT IN LIFE?????????
But when you consider the statistics... The majority of people in the world are worse off than us :-(
And why didn't we get their lot in life?
I personally think... It is luck.

My friend has a story he tells me. I don't know whether I believe him, but it helps me feel better.

He says that souls are up there in heaven or wherever and they get to pick their next life. they know what will happen... so why would someone pick to be you? why would someone pick to be me? so that... nobody else had to be. crap. it was nice when he told me. but i'm not sure i can capture it.

sometimes i think that people who have struggled so much... that can work to our advantage. depends on what we choose to do with it. we can be more sensitive to others hurts etc. in virtue of our past. in virtue of knowing how much hurts hurt etc.

i don't know what else to say...

i'm sorry.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I had the answers you seek. I wish I could take away your pain. I am at a loss in knowing what to say. But please know I care. I wish you peace and continual healing dear friend. I am here.

(((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))))))))

This is exactly why I testifed for the governors task force of the state I was living in at the time. Thanks to a great rape crisis counselor I started to remember things and once the remembering started there was no going back to being numb and not seeing that it shouldnt have happened and the anger just sat there boiling day by day. I couldnt do the talking and yelling at a chair or write a letter to my abuser exercises the words just weren't there for what I was feeling. I just wanted to explode and take him down in the process, until one day a friend of mine who was a co worker of the couselor asked me if I wanted to put my anger to good use the governors task force on rape and sexual abuse was traveling from the state capital to talk with teachers, lawyers, doctors, therapy professionals and survivors, and the testimonys given would be used to form proposals to be submitted to legislature for being voted into new laws in trhe state for survivors rights and to help prevent what I went through. It was an amazing experience and all the proposals were signed into laws for the state and all the survivors that participated recieved a complimentary book of the correlated matieal gathered by the task force sessions and the new laws.

It is so mindboggling and it all comes down to the "why" that no one has any answers for. I know most likely my main abuser was abused since one of my abusers was related to him, which is probably a part of why my main abuser went after me. Back when my main abuser was a child no one spoke of those things and there were no laws and so on like today. That does not excuse what he did to me for there is no acceptable excuse for it. But I can now understand some of the dynamics in that sometimes abuse runs in cycles. for the most part I gave up trying to find the answer to "why" because all it was doing was driving me more crazy.

[wi_fighter]

(((((((((((((KD)))))))))))

[greenfairy]

(((((((((((((kimmydawn))))))))))))))))))
i wish i knew the right words for you, the answers to your questions. i can only say that i know. i know about asking why and wondering how things all seemed to have come together in my life in such a way that what i went through was inevitable and unavoidable. i ask why, but almost as often, what if? what if my grandfather had lived longer? what if i hadnt been left alone with that horrible *&%$ ? what if i'd told someone? what if i'd just been born into a different family?
i know what it is to be plagued by unanswered questions. why me. what if.
just wanted you to know that i care and wish i could take your pain away.

((((((((((((KimmyDawn))))))))))))))))

what do you say? whatever lets the pain and anger express itself.. Its a horrible thing... I'm so sorry it happened to you.

((((KimmieDawn)))))
sometimes, when i feel this way, I remember that saying "12 monkeys with 12 typriters for 12 years would write the exact books of shakespeare"

or something like that.

Kind of means that with all the humans on earth trying to do the same thing (survive) just about anything becomes possible

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((KD))))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

I can't thank you all enough for the relation and support that you've shown to me. It's helped me more than I can put into words...to know that I'm not alone, but sad that others do relate. I'm so sorry for anyone who can, but very grateful that you've shared with me that relation. I will always do the same for you.

It's been hard. I'm coming out on the other side, though.

The questions are still there, but on the back burner. When I get caught up in those is when it hurts the most. Mindfulness, as Alex wonderfully reminded me, is the best tool to push past the questions that will never be answered and to deal with the result.

I'm blessed to have you all, and know that I will always be an ear when needed.

Never hesitate to PM. I understand how putting too much in the forums can feel scary and vulnerable. Then, when you're ready to move past it, it can be a painful reminder.

Love to all.

KD

[Overcastbutclearing]

Kimmy....Although no one can ever answer the question you ask...that we ask...WHY??? we get it and we know how the pain feels.
I am so, so, sorry you were hurt when you were little.
I am sorry that you feel the anger and the pain like it was happening all over again.
I care about you.
I am sorry!!