[WePow]

TRIGGER FOR RSA ITEM!!

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Does anyone else with a history of RSA have any information about this item? I am doing EMDR about it and last night I finally understood and saw the entire situation. I have DID thanks to the RSA and CSA, so this was HUGE for me to put together these pieces.

The memory was of feeding the hogs meat marked with a black X on the wax freezer paper. The perp who had me feed that meat to the hogs is someone I suspect may have been disposing of human remains at the time. Based on the flashback and history of the perp, my T and I both highly suspect this but I can't prove anything of course. I was the one who also had to clean up the slop at the end of the day and go burn the leftovers in the fire pit.

We ended up butchering the hogs and the perp split the meat with his "friend" who was "helping" him feed the hogs. I suspect that friend was also involved in RSA stuff with my perp.

The major thing that hit me last night was that I ATE that pig who I think ate human parts!!! I feel like that is something the perp did on purpose for some reason dealing with the RSA. Any insight at all from anyone knowing about this type of thing?

i can take a guess maybe..by having you help & assist in their care & then eat the pigs..it would almost seem that you are "approving" of the entire situation ...as you are then included in the ritual...an accomplice so to speak.
initiation?

now i could be oh so very wrong & if i am forgive me...but i have seen this in other situations where victims are slowly drawn into the fold by including them into things & then they are brainwashed by being told "well you you must have agreed since you did A & B."

be gentle with yourself ...sometimes i don't know what is worse..knowing the memories or not. i found that to be true for myself. my version of the memories from childhood was bad but when as an adult i pieced together all the loose ends & used adult logic & such...it was almost much worse.

again...i am sorry.

[WePow]

You could be right. There was a lot of that going on with things daily. I don't need to think about it. It is just a very strange thing and my OCD mind wants to know "why" that happened in that way. Ugg.

[Open Eyes]

It is not unusual for people with PTSD to want to know why. The human brain is designed to react to danger and then find reasons merely for survival. Part of the problem with PTSD patients is often others can make comments on them making too many efforts to find the whys. That is something I have addressed for a long time.
However it is really a normal response to any kind of trama or bad experience.

Please, make sure you don't blame yourself in anyway, or allow yourself to feel any guilt for anything in your past. You are a survivor, you have a right to question and learn, but try very hard not to make it worse than it is, unknowingly people with PTSD do "catastrophize" and it isn't about making things worse than they are, it is more about knowing there was a real danger and we truely have to slowly separate what is a real danger from what may remind us of a real danger.

I am not sure what RSA is, is it repeated sexual abuse?

I have used the example of snakes in the past. We learn that some snakes are very dangerous. And if we get bitten by a snake that can be very scary (I was bitten when I was small). So because we don't know which snakes are safe and which are bad, we fear all snakes. By answering the why, which is gaining Knowledge, we can learn to slowly identify the safe snakes very slowly. It takes time, I am glad you have a good therapist that is helping you answer the whys and learn to work out your troubled alarm system from your past.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[WePow]

RSA - ritual sex abuse ... also RA and mind control abuse issues

[Luce]

I thnk this is one of those times when you will never know the answers. You can put together the scraps of memories you have as best you can, but the unknown factors will remain unknown. The best you can do is create your own narrative to make sense of it all.

[Perna]

It has happened before, infamously with Robert Pickton up in Canada:

On March 10, 2004, it was revealed that human flesh may have been ground up and mixed with pork from the farm. This pork was never distributed commercially, but was handed out to friends and visitors of the farm. Another claim made is that he fed the bodies directly to his pigs.

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Pickton

I don't know if it was necessarily "ritual" but could have just be a "sick joke" of your abuser and/or to get rid of the evidence?

[WePow]

Thank you all for the replies. I know the perp was a very sick human. I just have to move forward. I will never know the why of human cruelty.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm so sorry you experienced this weepow. I understand how confusing it can be and how much the desire to know what really happened could be. But what would knowing do? Would it make things better for you or make things worse? Some things we don't need the full details of. You know the abuse, you know the man had you eat unclean meat that you don't know what it was, would knowing if it was a human make anything better? Would it bridge any gaps or fill any holes? Would it get justice served to the one who deserves it or would it just bring your world down?

With DID and recovering memories, I don't think knowing every detail is that imortant if you didn't know it to begin with. As long as you recover the memories that caused you the pain now, and tell yourself that unless you know it's human meat you ate than as far as you know it could very well have been hog meat.

There isn't much good that can come from scratching at old wounds. With DID it's a part of healing when you recover those memories but this wouldn't nesesarily be a memory if you didn't even know when it was happening so why force it? I hope you find the answers you are looking for but sometimes it's better to just leave it at what we know. Best of luck to you wepow in this journey of yours. I wish you all the best!

[Gr3tta]

I can understand why this is a particularly disturbing memory. Whatever their reasons may have been, it is clear you were a forced participant. It's frustrating to not understand why, but when I've gone down this road myself, learning why has only ever made me feel worse.
I'm so sorry you went through such horrible experiences, but it wasn't your choice. I hope you can find some peace with it as you have with so many other memories.
Thank you for sharing this.

[Open Eyes]

Wepow, much of what PurpleFlyingMonkey says is true. The best I can determine is that who ever these people where, they were very mentally ill, and there may be no real rhyme or reason to their behavior. Focus on the fact that your a survivor, and your still a good person no matter what, you were never bad like them, you didn't know any better. Do your best to not allow their issues to be a part of you anymore, they are gone, that was in the past, you survived it.

(((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

wepow..

i have been thinking about your situation...& i am in one similar to yours..there are bits & pieces of my past that i can recall about my history with regards to my father & his "friends" that just don't make sense.

i would love to put the puzzle together but since all the players are dead now i doubt i will ever be able too...

i know a man with a 6th grade education working a clerk job was living in a mansion during WW2

i know he was very antisematic as were his friends
i know that when i was growing up in a neighborhood of holicost survivors they frequently spat at us & cursed my father & mother

i know my father felt 6 million was not enough

i also know that the trainer for the german spies who came to the us during the war worked for the same company my father did...

after the war when i was born my parents were living in a shack...& had no $$...plus i had a wealthy jewish godmother...there are many questions like this

(many many more with oh so many nasty secrets)

i will never know...i want to ...but suppose i could do some research...altho i don't know how far any of it would get me...so i guess i am in the same boat you are...it's a mystery..you have some of the parts but not enough to connect them

was he evil? most certainly. did evil things happen? oh yeah...
was it a different time? yeah...

[Crew]

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is Hard Work to deal the SRA or RSA effects. I don't have a lot to say here but in my situation they make things seem to be one thing but it's really the pig.

Your doing Awesome Work Wepow and we just care for you so much!

With Safe Love and hugs,

Crew