I have no clue why I'm even sharing this

... because its just whiny, its nothing compared to what other people have been through. Admitting it hurts as much as it does makes me feel weak and spineless.

I let myself be bullied because...

* I was not a strong child and was afraid to stand up for myself.
* I know full well I am capable of descending to their level, but I don't want to and was taught not to. I tried to laugh it off and ended up feeling like I was the joke.
* At the time my social awkwardness made me fling myself at people, so I was being a clingy annoyance. Also, I was compensating by being too full of myself. I didn't respect myself and thought others didn't either, so I pushed away people who genuinely cared. Maybe the bullying was karmic payback, maybe in a way I deserved it.

I experienced emotional invalidation because...

* I have always been an idealist, a romantic, a dreamer; the kind of cynical pessimism that masquerades as "rationality" (from my perspective) disgusts me and I'm not afraid to say so, loudly. Apparently this is all just silly. It's not like I'm any good at living by those ideals and dreams anyway.
* I have always been a sympathetic softie who's the first person in the room to tear up at a sad story. I respect that side of myself. Others seem to find it comical or overly emotional.
* I value strength but reject the arrogant, unsympathetic pseudo-strength that gets confused with the real thing - and then I see myself making the same mistake as I stuff my own emotions down and engage in bluster. Hypocrisy.
* Once I grasped the concepts of empathy, fairness and thinking before you speak or act, I went overboard and started to run my life by the kind of political correctness that the earnest and intense child can apply - a long list of shoulds that I had to live by while others didn't. I did this to myself, and now I am jealous of everyone else because they usually aren't so inhibited.

To this day I look in the mirror and shake my head because I see an insecure coward and can't deny the label fits. This kills me because I can't seem to assert myself properly and then I get all sulky and offended, and I can't approach people I care about without eventually feeling they deserve so much better than me.



Why do people even like me? I don't get it. Me me me me I I I I, I'm stuck inside my own head and should probably just stay there.

its not silly at all . you're considering some very important points here. and re your last paragraph, i'm glad when you don't stay stuck in your head. i know one thing i really like about you is how you are so respectful towards others, deep down you're just really decent. i bet there's a whole list of reasons, it's just really hard for you to see them at the moment . tc of you

I think it's hard when you do try so hard to be good and brave and strong, but nobody recognizes you. those qualities aren't valued, aren't popular. but I am very glad you wrote this. I like when people describe how I feel, cuz I don't speak very well for myself.

This is insightful. I was wondering if you fear intimacy and this is why you through yourself at people who weren't capable of intimacy and you ran from people who were capable of being intimate? Fear of intimacy is from low self worth which you allude to above. Do you understand where your low self worth came from to start all of this?

I somehow identify with this share.

If I tried to explain it, it would be like repeating this share, so I won't.

I really appreciate it.

I don't feel so alone now in my own struggles as I read this.

Billi

1. You're not weak and spineless. It takes giant balls (excuse the phrase) to post personal experiences and feelings.
2. Being bullied can be a devastating experience. You had and have the right to feel hurt and even traumatized by it.
3. From what little I know of you, you appear to be empathetic, compassionate, and strong.

Please don't berate yourself because, well, your view of you is just plain wrong.

Please don't blame yourself for being bullied, or try to downplay how difficult it can be here. I was a bully, somewhat, in school, and I feel dreadful for it now. The people who I sadly was not so nice to, it was not their fault, or to do with them, but because I was being horribly abused at home, and just saw a way to get my complete and utter anger out. I targeted (not that I really targeted, or even realised what I was doing at the time) people who I envied - people who seemed, just, nice, and kind, and intelligent, and calm, and I just did it because I could, because I needed an outlet, and I didn't think things through. Three of my closest friends now I bullied in school. You weren't weak, you didn't deserve it, it was wrong, and I'd hope those involved are now thoroughly ashamed and suffering their own kind of karmic payback. If I could take back what I did I would. Never blame yourself - it breaks my heart to think that people I was less than nice to would think it was their fault. It wasn't, not at all.

I hope I haven't upset you by saying this, and that you feel better for getting it out on the screen.

Onward Towards What?
"I"know why you're sharing it.Because you didn't
stand up for yourself,because you betrayed your own dearest self.I did
that too,for years and years and years . . . until,I got in touch with my
anger.But paralell with that I studied particular books on SELF-ESTEEM,
and ASSERTIVENESS-TRAINING.These informed me that I was WORTH
standing up for.Until you know THAT,you will be pushed around without
mercy. Yes,I too am idealistic,can be warm+tender+kind+generous+loyal+
loving.But now,If anyone tries to sully or wound that beauty in me,I won't
be long in letting them know, "I DON'T TAKE ****!"
I have no wish to harm
you(been harmed too much myself),but I must point out that for many
years (although it was true),I kept telling myself that "that" wasn't me,I
was artistic and gentle,I didn't like talking like "them." Truth to tell,I had a
FEAR at my very core through being physically abused as a child. And it
is THAT that I had to overcome---and I have.So,it may be deeply embedded in you, I don't know.
But one way or another,you MUST build up
your self-esteem,learn assertiveness,get to like the self,respect the self,
(including in your self-talk).You are going to die some day,let it be that
when that day comes,you can tell yourself "I stood up for you,I DID respect you, because you were WORTH IT!
If any of this has a positive
effect on you,and you feel like doing something about yourself,message
me and I'll give you the titles of some brilliant books,and you can stand
on the shoulders of giants.
Finally,I leave you with a quote you could live
by:"In order to love one's self,one must behave in ways one can admire."
Kind of says it all,doesn't it?
Deepest Respect+Kindness,
BLUEDOVE

thanks for posting this onwards. the responses are helping me. i can identify with a lot what you wrote.

I couldn't even read thru this to respond! I hate when ppl trivialize things that have happened to them to make them feel less deserving of responses or concern!!!! It takes 20 seconds of trauma to affect a person!!! know that and own that!!

You seem to be very self-critical (have high expectations). Pain is pain. I don't think your pain is less valid than any other persons pain. It appears to me that you're beating yourself up about how you think you should have been - you have regrets. You also have an image of how you should be right now and because you aren't where you want to be you turn on yourself. You get very self-critical. You fight against your innate personality, there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. I'm hypersensitive myself (it's never going to go away) and I had to work through a ton of self-criticism issues and as well as social anxiety issues. It takes time (I still have trigger moments). You need to learn how to not take things so personally because people are going to make judgments (or you think they're making judgments about you). You can't really stop them...you can become defensive/angry of course, but it's usually best to work towards changing your own mindset and underlying issues. Big hugs to you. Be patient and good to yourself xx

As has been stated by many here; any trauma is still just that. Do not trivialize it... all trauma is to be dealt with. You are not "whiney"!! Wow, what a great share!! Kudos! So honest, so insightful, so helpful to us all!! Thank you!

I get the feeling you were trivialized, your feelings, your thoughts were all negated as a child. Opened you up to bullying, opened you up to trying to find ways to make those around you "accept" you.

Also, left you with a bad self concept; when nothing you have ever posted here indicates to me that you are anyone other than a great person!

CBT helped me with this. I used to be as you described. It's very debilitating to a child, a young person when no one ever takes the time to even notice you... is it not?

I had to look at me again, aft many years of not being who I really am; and meet myself.

I stopped being what others expected me to be when I finally realized there was only one of me; and that one of me was a whole person... whom I decided needed me to love her.

Hey? All anyone in life really wants is to be loved. If you are unable to find someone who will love you for who you are... time to love you ... to love the you inside of you.

Let the past go... you are a great person... give you a hug for me? Please? I feel compelled to thank you yet again for sharing this!!! Beautiful, real, sharing! My fave!! pax, theo