Death of an abuser

So I recently had a big debate over an abuser, and whether I would choose to see her or not. Let's call her C.
C. was my first abuser. She taught me so much. She taught me how to lie: what to say, how to cover it up. She sat me down in front of a mirror and drilled me over and over and over and over in how to make my facial expressions match my words, how to make my posture, the slant of my eyes, the position of my hands, all match my words perfectly. She taught me how to lie so incredibly effectually, that by the end, I myself wasn't sure when I was lying and when I was telling the truth.
But I knew for sure when I was saying as I had been told. That was made perfectly clear.
C. knew exactly how to put me on her side. How to make me feel it was us against them. Girls against boys. She was keeping me safe. Making sure they didn't hurt me too much. Making sure I knew how to keep everyone happy. If I made them happy I was safer, "right?"
Now she's dead. And although I can acknowledge that she was an awful person, I still miss her. I ache for her. She's the only one who "really" knows me - knows all I went through because she was there. Because she continued to keep one intrusive little finger in my life always - she always knew everything. Now she's gone.
I know I'm not supposed to be sad. I'm supposed to be dancing on her grave, right? But I'm just sad. In her own sick, demented, evil way, she loved me.
I'm not sure what to do now.

I don't think there's any right or wrong way to react to the death of your abuser. It's bound to be mixed.

When I found out my childhood abuser had died, I was conflicted too. I was sad and glad at the same time. Finding out turned out to be a huge trigger for me and I spiraled down into depression before I finally got some help, both with the depression and dealing with the abuse after many years. So, even the results of his death are mixed for me. It caused some of the darkest times of my life, but also caused me to finally start working through what he did.

got it 100%...hate my evil father 100%..don't miss him at all..no regrets.

but the mother....there were some good points to her even tho she was abusive. in her own way she taught me many things...was she evil & wrong? yes. but she gave to me a love of history, reading, & other things...

i think for most people there is some good...(not all)...so that is what causes the conflict. i did not get to say good bye to eitehr one of my parents before they died. i feel sad for my mother...she should not have passed alone as she was...him..i don't give a crap about.

so i get your conflict. i don't dance on either one of their graves...altho i have been to neither of their graves (never to my mom's) in many years.

also...there is safety in what was known...even in if it wasn't safe..if that makes sense.

maybe, do you think, it could be the loss of a "connection"?....
I think connections are like feelings-- they aren't right or wrong-- they just are....
and... losing a connection with another can be a loss of it's own.

I'm sorry for your loss and I do so understand the confusion of it all

you explained your situation so very well, I hope you share more whenever you feel the need.

thinking of you
fins

I have thought a lot about this as my parents and grandparent age. My guess is it will be just as Stumpy has said (and the dad's mom included in the "I don't care about" camp. I do worry about what it might bring up for me. I do imagine I will mourn over my mom even though she was one of my earliest abusers and continued to be a toxic relationship (still is but now at least I got out from her house). Like it has been said - there is no right or wrong way to feel after the death of an abuser. Best to you.

It's called complex grief. It's so very hard. It's normal to miss all we have known.

I think I miss mostly, what they could have been in my life; not what they were.

hugs, bj

(((((((((((((( bj )))))))))))))))

I think you are onto something there.....grieving over what we wished or hoped a relationship could have/should have been to us. It's very similar to the grief we feel when we divorce. We grieve for our lost dreams of what we hoped and assumed would be our live's pleasures.

The good news is that it's possible to feel the grief of the loss and still work through it and come out on the other side of the grief, in better shape than when we went into it. I definitely agree that working with a T through this would be extremely beneficial to you. As Calista said, it's a complex grief. I liken it to a cut diamond with many facets to look at. Each one has it's own particular shape to be dealt with.

I wish you well in this journey bj. Remember this, you are not wrong in any feeling you may be having, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, it's what it is for you personally.


sabby

I think you got it just right Fins. "connection" not right or wrong just connected. Thank you.