[MoAnamCara]

How do you/can you work through these experiences? Its so ridiculous but I shut down. How do you get past this?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

When I shut down, I need to take it slow.

Don't force it.

I know many of us want to get past it as quickly as possible; we've been in pain too long.

You are right on schedule.

Just talking here is a beginning.

Be gentle with yourself.

Billi

[Honeybun]

I have the same issue. My T's tell me that a part of me may be ready but another part is not. To not force it, the words will be spoken when it's time.

[skeksi]

When I can't speak, I often draw or write. Sometimes I show T, sometimes I don't. But it's nice to have other ways to communicate.

[WantingtoHeal]

I'm going through this to. Really frustrating. My T asked me if I could draw today. I said no. I just shut down when she asks me questions. There are a lot of answers that I don't have. Sometimes I just think I am crazy and perverted. I did some writing tonight and I feel perverted, like I am just making ***** up.

[Sannah]

You can start where you are at and just talk about the fact that you can't talk and that you are shutting down. Things get accomplished in small steps. Please don't think that you have to do everything right away. Keep us posted on how you are doing with this?

[MoAnamCara]

Thank you all.

It feels like another failure. Or perhaps something that I have made into a mountain from a meager molehill start. To admit one's shortcomings is not easy. To admit once and for all some things that have happened in my life is not easy, but then, its not going to be easy for anyone.

Now I'm scared there is more than what I do know from when young, but what I do know isn't well remembered either. When you are asked memories from age x to age x and you have none - that might be okay - right? I mean, we don't all possess fabulous memory skills. What makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up are two other instances. Those make me feel sick.

And then, there are the things that I consensually took part in. How to get to those? And is it really worth it to go through this torment rather than let sleeping dogs lie?

Next, disturbing dreams have started again. About someone else finding me. You would think, logically, that after x number of years this is a preposterous thought. And it is. But why the thoughts now? And the time with this person seems to flash into my mind out of nowhere. Particular thoughts/memories/visions of occurrences.

Again - can't I just let it go? I'm tired, so tired of these things.

On top of all else currently, it feels like the oxygen levels around me are depleted. They are these things that sit on my shoulders and consistently barrage me with this and this and this and this, and and and and and....

And, I suppose, like the events themselves - I let it happen. THAT'S the most self-depleting part of this.

[Sannah]

Mo, these things won't sleep, though. The only way out is through.

[mend]

I write it down,then try to share parts.

[MoAnamCara]

Thank you both.

[Open Eyes]

(((((MoAnamCara)))))

If you can't remember your early childhood, I don't think you have to put yourself through pushing yourself to remember. You could just address what you do remember that you are struggling with.

None of us can go back and change the things that happened to us. The important thing to keep in mind is that your dealing with these memories to find a way to put them to rest and find a resolve. A therapist will be there to listen and help you talk it out and in doing that you can work on ways to be validated and also to realize that at the time you were not at fault and you honestly didn't understand the situation.

And you don't have to provide every detail either and you don't have to remember every detail and struggle trying to put it into words.

What I did was talk with my T about the topic and my confusion about how certain individuals mistreated me in my past. I am still working on that and doing it a little at a time. I couldn't talk about it very much but I could talk about the topic and why it can happen and what it means and how I can work through it, how people who have these memories are addressed in therapy. And I did need to get out the anger about what happened as well as a sense of betrayl. And in therapy you can work on finally morning whatever you remember and work on ways to not let it interfere with you life now.

((((((Hugs))))))
Open Eyes

[autumnleaves]

In response to your latest post, MoAnamCara:

If the events/experiences/feelings that you're having trouble talking about are affecting your life and your sleep, etc. they are a big deal and not insignificant. I know that it sometimes feels as though you are failing--maybe as if you aren't "doing therapy" correctly. Let me assure you; if you're in therapy to improve yourself and your life and you are doing your best, you are doing it right! You are so brave to be working through therapy!

If there are more memories that you aren't recalling right now, or ones that you may not be recalling in much detail, they may surface later on. The good news is that your T will be there with you every step of the way.

As far as things that were "consensual", if you were a child, it is literally impossible for a child to consent to anything sexual. Children possess neither the capacity to understand nor consent to any sexual act with an adult. If you were an adult, many actions are motivated by conditioning from abuse. Be kind to yourself. I agree with Sannah, the only way out is through.

The thoughts, memories, and dreams seem like they may be indicative of PTSD. I would ask your T about this.

If you start to think that you're not doing well enough, or that it's your fault, or anything of concern, I would really, really encourage you to talk to your T about it. He or she will help you. Always remember, no one deserves to be abused and it is NOT your fault!

[MoAnamCara]

Open Eyes - autumnleaves

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies.