I'm not sure it really happened

So.

Childhood Sexual Abuse.

I don't know if it happened.

I have been told that I told my grandmother that my privates hurt.
I have been told that there was a court case.
I have been told that I told my grandmother "so and so touched my privates".

But all I REMEMBER is my father asking me over and over and over and over and over if it happened.

I have many symptoms of abuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Besides things like body/eating/self-injury issues, I was an overly sexual child, masturbating routinely well before puberty... like from age 6 or 7? Deeply ashamed of my body around doctors and such, but ran around naked in my own home constantly until I was probably about 8...

Even writing this post was emotionally exhausting and I didn't say everything I wanted to, and it took me two hours of writing a sentence or two, then browsing the web to "get away" from it...

but yeah. Maybe I'm just making the whole thing up.

If you told someone then, it probably did happen. Your father doubting you would make you doubt yourself. Can you get copies of the court records?

I know what you're saying about having to do things in little doses. Many of us do that, I think.

In Therapy, on the main page of Survivors of Abuse, is a thread upper left, that says,
Links to on-line abuse. I copied one recently there on page 3 from a university about childhood abuse and memories. In fact many of the hyper-links on that thread will likely help you some as to educating yourself about childhood abuses. Hope they help.
hugs, bj

You have a therapist that you have shared this with?

I know exactly how you feel. I remember random clips from my past that I now interpret as really ****ed up for my age. I remember random clips, but I can't recall the context. I've asked my Mother if I was sexually abused but she would never say. And I KNOW I have had hallmark behaviour of a victim since I was a child, but... Some things are just really hard to sort through. Hopefully if you tell a therapist about it, you can find some validation. You may not be able to know for sure, but you can come to your own conclusions you can be happy with.

I feel like this, too. Your lack of memories is understanding. Your body protected itself with lack of memories when whatever happened, happened.
I tried to journal my memories, but got stuck because I have so many gaps. I go back and forth from physical to verbal abuse.
Good luck, and I hope you can be gentle on yourself as you sort through your memories.
Bluemountains

Thanks.

I have an appointment with T tomorrow, and he even arranged for me to call him for a short chat on Friday. I've been having an incredibly rough week.

I haven't been letting my boyfriend touch me and I've been freaked out at anyone getting in my personal space. We tried to have sex, but it ended up in me crying and telling him to leave me alone.

I haven't even been on the forums much... it's just too much to take right now.

My most convincing proof, in my own mind, of it happening, is the amount of pain and struggle I've been through this week. This doesn't happen to "normal people" when they consider the possibility of having been sexually abused!

Minds are tricky things, and memories are so slippery.
Between repressed and implanted memories, I am always left in doubt about whether certain things happened.

I really relate to parts of what you said: being an overly sexual child, I have memories of masturbation since age 6, watching porn at 8. And, most importantly, I remember having fantasies of rape at that age.
Where does that leave me? I'm uncertain whether something happened I can't remember or if nothing happened and I was just odd.

You, however, have the chance to access proof, no? Look for the court documents, it won't change what happened or didn't happen, but it might help you come to terms with it.

I feel the same way, bitsandpieces. Am I remembering this because, for some reason, I want something to justify how ****ed up I am? Or did it really happen?