[coldwutlulz]

I don't know why I am apologizing.

I really don't know how to start this off.

So, well, I remember when I was younger, and the social worker, mom told me to keep quiet about the spankings. The social worker was there for a different kind of abuse.

There was another man who did...things to me. It wasn't that bad, but it still screw me up. I sometimes have nightmares of that man chasing me, and I was so afraid he was going to do worse. Like how mom told me about his twisted dream about having sex with me.

I don't really remember getting spankings. I was the kind of kid who stayed out of others way. There was a lot of yelling and screaming though. Mostly by mom.

As of now I feel sort of dizzy, but I need to write this. I'll probably regret it later.

There was some times where she called us stupid, threatened to leave [one I remember was her telling dad that she only married him for the money] a lot of times, and I'm pretty sure she either called us a crybaby whenever one of us started to cry while she was belittling us.

The only times I remember her beating me was when I was supposed to clean my room but my legs were cramping up and I knew she was going to be mad at me so I hid underneath a table. I can't really remember what happened, memory's a bit fuzzy. The other time was when we kids were watching a movie. It turns out that while we were watching a movie she was outside waiting for someone to unlock it. When we finally realize this, she was furious. Again, I cannot fully remember what happened but we did got the police called on us. The door was opened and a neighbor saw.

I was so afraid of her yelling at me.

I wonder if all that has had happened to me shaped me. I have a hard time asking for help and if something went wrong, I used to think that it was all my fault. I still do sometimes. Why I rarely feel anything, and feeling disconnected. (anger is dangerous because you weren't allowed to get angry because you were angry for a stupid reason and they were right and you're wrong. Same with getting upset or hurt)

I still have a hard time classifying this as abuse. To me, it was the norm. I keep thinking that maybe I'm being too sensitive. Gah.

Well, I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but here it goes.

This is all I can type anyways. Sorry if it jumps around too much.

[mazing]

(if ok). All I can say is that it was not your fault. No matter what a child does or how naughty they are they never deserve to be hurt or belittled. I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.

I can understand believing that what you went through was normal but I can assure you that it was not. No child ever deserves to be hurt... the fact that the police were called and authorities were involved shows that there were a number of concerns that were legitimate.

Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about what happened? They should be able to help you work through what you went through and help you figure out how to move on.

[coldwutlulz]

I talk to my therapist, but I don't really try to go into it that much. Usually try to change the subject to a much lighter one. I still can't believe it has such an affect on me.

[Sannah]

Hi Cold, yes, how we are raised has a huge effect on us. Sounds like you lived in fear all the time and never felt safe? It also sounds like you never got to have the right to your own feelings. These are major things. Talking to your therapist about these things will be really helpful. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

[Gr3tta]

I can believe it had a big affect on you; I think that's perfectly reasonable! I hope you will talk to your T about it more. It's T's job to steer the conversations towards things you're working on, but it's your job to bring up topics you need to discuss, and be willing to discuss them. If it's hard for you to bring up, you could write it down, and give T the note, or you can print out this thread and take it with you.

[JLarissaDragon]

A lot of abuse as a child leaves memories that we never erase as adults. I was beat with a belt as a child until my butt was bruised and belittled and told I was worthless. I was told to drop out of school, get married, and raise babies because I was useless for anything else. What is important is to take control of your life so that those horrors do not control you for the rest of your life. Thank God I found help through a trusted counselor and a pastor. I went on to get a Masters degree and find a productive life
I still freeze up when someone yells at me but I refuse to believe the old messages. By all means talk openly with your therapist you can heal from all of this and lead a better life.I still tend to take a lot of blame for things that probably are not my doing but I am getting better. Talking about it with a trusted counselor will make a big difference
Lots of hugs and I wish you well. You deserve to be happy and have a better life

[more70]

I have the same problem. Terrible mom. Taking fault because I was worthless and deserved it. Afraid to ask for help my whole life. Never showing anger. Damn, I even have had a dream over and over being chased through the park by this drug addict who was around me when I was young. Not sure where I'm going with these thoughts and feelings but I am in therapy and believe they will be worked out. Lol I even apologize when I have to burden someone with my issues. You don't ever have to feel sorry to rant to me. You are completely worth my time and deserve all people have to offer you and more!

Coldwut...,

That sounds, according to what you typed, to be abusive and a pattern of abusivness. You can allow yourself to know you were victimized. You were an innocent child, it was wrong.

This sounds like a memory that you NEED to share with your T or pdoc. You can't allow yourself to be afraid of your mom. I hope she is far away and you feel safe now. You need to help you, your T and pdoc can help you to help you. They will protect you. You can feel safe now. Its OK. Good luck with therapy

[coldwutlulz]

Originally Posted by brookwest

Coldwut...,

That sounds, according to what you typed, to be abusive and a pattern of abusivness. You can allow yourself to know you were victimized. You were an innocent child, it was wrong.

This sounds like a memory that you NEED to share with your T or pdoc. You can't allow yourself to be afraid of your mom. I hope she is far away and you feel safe now. You need to help you, your T and pdoc can help you to help you. They will protect you. You can feel safe now. Its OK. Good luck with therapy

I am really sorry for not replying sooner. Computer problems.

Anyways, I still live with my mother. I am only sixteen. I haven't seen my counselor because my dad is in a different town because of a job. Although, I do recall hearing my dad asking my mom if she could get my grandparents to take me. My mom basically refused because she doesn't want to deal with them AKA she isn't really on good terms with them or something like. Yeah, because my well being apparently doesn't matter. I believe it has been about a month or so.

There was another somewhat fight between my mom and older brother. My older brother was more mature though.