[Switch]

I hate to admit it but I'm coming to the point where I have to.

TRIGGERING (graphic)








I keep wanting to find a guy who will take me, and essentially abuse me. I have been actively resisting the urge to go to a bar and find a guy like this, and then convincing him to date me. I don't know why I'm doing this, because I knew I didn't enjoy the last time I had a guy control my life, but I just feel like I miss it.

I think a large part of me has romanticized it, and now is craving the "love" that comes from being controlled, and beaten and raped "for your own good". The worst part is that I'm craving things that are worse than what I went through with my ex's.

I am craving being beaten for small things, and being told I'm worthless again, and that I'm a slut and a ***** and a *****, and that all I'm good for is to be a sex toy. I've gone through this before, and at times I came to enjoy it because I think it helped me cope with other issues. I feel like I did it to myself, and that I'm responsible for making guys do this to me. And I partly am, because I would ask that occasionally they treat me like ****, with safe words. But I purposely let it get out of hand. It's like I'm addicted to abuse, and I don't want to be!

I want to be okay feeling safe. I don't feel okay when I know I'm safe. I only feel like I'm not doing what I'm suppose to. I feel live I've been trained to serve guys, and that now I am without a master. And I feel really uncomfortable telling people about all of this, but I'm at the point that I feel like I can't function without someone controlling my life and making me serve them.

I keep thinking I should just go be a hooker. I'm short on money, and I'd be good at it, I know I would. But then I think about how much that would hurt my mom... and then that she doesn't need to know... but what about school? Well, then just do it over the summer... *sigh* I know it's horrible but I'm worrying myself because that feels more "stable" and "safe" than being with friends and family who love me. I don't even feel bad about it, it's like my brains been re-wired to WANT this treatment, and to WANT to be an object to men, and to WANT to be pushed around and told to shut up, than I'm just a stupid ***** and that all I'm worth is having kids. I feel like I was taken out of my world and now all I want is to be put back into it.

Sorry if this triggered anyone, I just needed to find a way to tell people, and the internet seems to be the only way. I highly doubt I'm going to go through with my plans, although two parts of me would love to, the rest would not, and my friends and family would never let me. Thank you for letting me talk this out...

[shoez]

Before I even reply, If its ok, I really want to give you a very safe caring hug. (((((((((Switch)))))))))))))))))). There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. The truth is, we are all different and each person responds differently to trauma, yes and Im calling it what it is, people calling you names like that and not treating you with respect is trauma and abuse, whether you liked it, wanted it, thought you deserved it. Whatever it was, it is abuse and it deeply scars people.

Perhaps what people are used to is someone who becomes repulsed by the abuse and is afraid. But sometimes when I find my abusers being nice to me, I purposely trigger them to hurt me because it feels like its what I know, and its predictable and I dont have to worry about having someone hurt me by accident..I would rather they hurt me and it be my fault they hurt me..I would rather it be my fault and be able to make sense of a situation that does not make sense!

What you are describing is normal, your feelings are valid. People dont need terrible traumas to start from three years old to be affected..one single event can really hurt sometimes for life.
So what you went through, with men has distorted the way you perceive yourself, and how you relate to others. I think from reading this,

it sounds like you want safety, in the context that you know it in..In the context you were conditioned into, you want safety in the world of hurt.
You are a beautiful person, smart, and pretty and not any of those hurtful things you called yourself. You are NOT an object and you did not deserve that treatment.

Please take it easy on yourself Switch ..I am here and caring, caring lots ((((Switch)))))

Im so sorry this has to be so hard.

I know how you feel, Switch. I was physically (& possibly sexually) abused as a kid, mentally abused throughout my life, & have also been involved in multiple 24/7 D/s relationships.

Subjugation helps me to connect on a personal level. It makes it okay to be vulnerable & weak, so that my partner can access the deeper aspects of my psyche... But it can come at a cost, because sometimes, the wo/man has no intention of bettering you as a person. They are looking for satisfaction for their own insecurities & using you for your own individual weaknesses. There are definitely some good ones out there, but they are hard to find. VERY hard to find.
What you REALLY need to find is yourself & someone who loves you for you. Not as an object. Not as a sex toy. You need to genuinely connect the deeper, darker parts of yourself to someone & forge trust that doesn't lead with sexuality or sadomasochism... After you have that, there's no reason you can't still get your satisfaction from being humiliated or objectified. Sometimes that's just a purely sexual thing & there is nothing wrong with expressing that. However, if that is your way of avoiding any real problems, you're only serving to hurt yourself. (And not in the good way!)
It's all fun & games, serving a master, until you hand over full control of your life. A 24/7 commitment rarely ever works. A relationship is a relationship... And when it's spent with only one party being acknowledged as a human being & the other's identity being essentially neglected, that is very unhealthy. It's hard to, but you eventually learn to separate fantasy & reality. What may sound great as a fantasy only leads to disaster when it is put into play.

There *can* be a balance between being a loving servant & still being acknowledged for what makes you an individual. But before you can find a place of love & respect for yourself, you're only going to allow yourself to suffer & deteriorate. I put up with a lot of ******** for the sake of my masters just because I thought that unconditional obediance was my only option. But YOU come first... A dom is just a person until he has someone willing to be submissive. It ultimately revolves around you & your own willingness to keep your needs in mind before you can properly attend to someone else's.

[WantingtoHeal]

Switch, I felt this way too when I was younger. I almost got into prostitution -- got involved with an older man who knew a lot of men who wanted that innocent little girl look I had. I wanted to be beaten, raped, abused, told what to do. Felt much better to me than being with someone nice, gentle, or caring.

I think once you start feeling better about yourself that starts to change and you realize you don't deserve it..that you deserve good things and kind people in your life.

I hope you feel better.

[Sannah]

Hi Switch, it is really good to get this out of yourself. Do you have a therapist? I was wondering if you don't feel safe now, like you are always looking over your shoulder, and you feel safer in these unsafe situations because then then you aren't just waiting for the danger? Is the danger easier to deal with then the anticipation/looking over your shoulder?

Also, could your self worth be so low that things just feel more right in these abusive relationships?

I know from experience that when your self worth is low that it is painful to be around healthy people who treat you right. Healthy people see you and this is uncomfortable when you don't feel too good about yourself. Unhealthy people don't see you because they can't see beyond themselves so you can hid yourself with them and this feels better when you have low self worth.

I worked beyond this. I worked on my low self worth and other problems and got around healthy people and worked through my discomfort.

Finally, does having someone else in charge of you lighten your burden of having to make decisions and be responsible for yourself?

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

[WePow]

Sending you big safe hugs if ok. I am so sorry for your pain.

[Lacer Vita]

You are so brave for sharing, Switch.
I don't have advice... but I wanted...
to let you know that you're not alone.

It's hard... to have been so hurt
that the hurt seems normal...
feels comfortable and safe.

I don't know what else to say.
I haven't figured this out for myself, yet...
Stay safe, and be good and true to You.