[mandehble]

I'm new to the forums. I'm not really sure what I'll get out of this. I'm not really expecting to find advice but I've been ruminating a lot lately and feel the need to share.

I was raped by a coworker a couple years ago in a coercive, non-violent sort of way. Similar but less severe situations have transpired at other points in my life but this one sort of drove me crazy. I was sort of the new person at work and the guy was an old friend of most of the other employees. I tried telling people what happened, including my boss. Everyone suggested the same thing: That it must have been a misunderstanding and there couldn't have been any wrongdoing on his part. I'd been fed a lot of drinks in this incident and didn't have a strong recollection of what happened. Long story short, I returned to my abuser and continued to allow myself to be used for several more months. I guess I thought it would somehow make it better if I convinced myself that it had been consensual since no one was being supportive and some blamed me outright. Instead, I became depressed to the point of serious illness and faced continued rejection in other parts of my life.

Now, I'm at a point where my depression has mostly lifted and I've been able to improve my life but I seem to have hit a roadblock with healing. I really crave physical comfort from other human beings, particularly of the sex that I'm attracted to. I would like to be physically close to another human being again but everytime I get even the slightest inkling that someone is sexually interested in me, I feel threatened and clam up. I don't want the next time I have sex to be a huge deal...but it kind of is...and I HATE that! I hate that I come with all this baggage now and that baggage is only made heavier by the fact by the embarrassment and fear caused by how it might affect other people who want to be close to me.

*le sigh*

[Leed]

I think at this point it's important that you talk with a therapist. You need to get some validation that you WERE raped, so that you can get this baggage off your shoulders, and put to rest so you don't have to keep carrying it around anymore. I think that YOU are starting to question whether or not you really WERE raped when you KNOW you WERE!

A therapist can help you get the real memories out in the open, and also get some other issues out that you may not know are bothering you. So please make an appointment with a therapist. It can only do you a world of good! You won't regret it, I promise!

God bless and please keep us posted. and continue posting here too! Hugs, Lee

[mandehble]

Thank you for your reply. You're definitely right. I do need to see a therapist. I've actually been thinking about therapy a lot lately and doing research on the craft. I haven't decided yet which type of therapy would be best for me. I'm certainly no expert.
I've actually tried speaking to a few so called professionals with hilariously bad results. Granted, these people were social workers paid by various institutions and obviously lacking the passion, resources, and drive to help me. I guess it's true what they say: You get what you pay for.
I live in a fairly small town but am moving in mid November to Australia...Melbourne, to be exact. I was planning on splurging on some iron-clad health insurance and maybe then I can find someone good. I can only imagine that there will be much better variety in a city with a population in the millions. Oddly enough, I feel like I'd like to have a male therapist. I'm not sure if that's weird or wrong or what...
Anyway, thanks for the support!

[FacingChains]

Dear Mandehable,

PLease follow Leed's advice and see a therapist that specializes in rape/crisis/trauma (free in most counties they have a center and a number you ca call), not just a general community clinic therapist, b/c you might not get the specific treatment that you need if they are overbooked and you are just assigned to whoever has an opening. I wonder how many others people this person has raped, even probably someone of those who invalidated you are covering for him/her- in situations like this everyone becomes ill and twisted. If I were you I would focus on finding a new job...maybe just having that plan to take care of yourself and ultimately find a healthier environment will validate you to yourself enough to help you make a full recovery....please do not think you did something to deserve this...or that it didnt happen...those are classic responses..and they wont help you get your life back, which you can do!! Best and blessings, Facing Chains

[mandehble]

I might need to clarify at this point that this was 2 years ago, I'm far removed from the people and places that were associated with it and I do have a wonderful new job.

I know I need to go get some sort of help... I just hate talking about it. I hate the reactions I get and I hate having to be vulnerable in front of another human being and share all of my painfully dramatic feelings and memories...The only thing that could be worse than that is group therapy. I don't even know if I should bother because I know I'll be resistant to it. I just really hate that this has become part of my identity. I hate everything about it, really. I'm a very reticent person and I don't like calling attention to myself...I do recognize that I need help, though.

[Big Mama]

Hey. Definately look for a good T. I was raped 20 odd years ago and did nothing about it and told no one. You can only hide things from yourself for so long. Thoughts would pop up here and there not huge deal. But my hubby and I are having issues. While we are going broke in Therepy I asked him if there was anything he would like to see me work on. If we are having a problem I certainly want to fix my end of things. My inability to be romantic out of the bedroom. I'm not a person who likes physical contact even in a nonsexual way. So as it turns out rape just might have something to do with this. I just hid it for so long I thought it could stay that way. It didn't. My story is similar to yours. I had a boyfriend for 9 months who continually made me do things I didn't want to do and I stayed. Not fully realizing this was rape. I guess I thought if things worked out between us and I could connect enough love to it then it was not rape. I was wrong. Definiate get help sooner rather then later.

((((Mandehble)))) my heart to you... I can relate on many levels to what you have written. I am so sorry that you went through that. There isnt really much that I can add that hasn't already been written here...I certainly echo the other members sentiments in their support and validation, and I urge you to find a T that specializes in rape/trauma/crisis. Specifically trauma...

I hope you will continue to post, share and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone xx

Rose

[mandehble]

I really appreciated all of your replies. I'm having an especially bad night so I'm rereading them in attempt to feel better.

Hugs to you. Please hang in...it does get better xx
Rose

[Big Mama]

I come here alot at night. I don't sleep much. I'm not the only one awake here at 1:00 am. The doors are always open. Feel free to visit here even when it's late. That seems to be when I have the most clairity. Hang in there.