[Almost_Free]

I have never told my entire story before, but I feel the need to now for some reason.
I just escaped an abusive 15 year marriage. My husband is a very skilled con man. I thought he was perfect. Very shortly after we were married, his temper emerged. For the first couple years, I was very fiesty and would fight him back. By the time our first 2 kids came, he had me convinced I was not qualified enough to do any type of work other then have more babies.

We had 4 children together and I made the decision to be more submissive and trust him to lead our family and make decisions for us while I focused on bringing up the children. I knew if I were to oppose his decisions, I would be yelled at, called names, or physically abused in front of our children, so I stayed compliant.

My husband liked to spend money on himself while the kids and I went without. I wasnt allowed to have money, a car, or friends. I was severely depressed.

This is the most difficult part to admit...About 7 years ago, he started making unusual sexual demands on me as well. He wanted to watch me have sex with strangers. He signed me up on swingger sites, and websites designed for women looking for sex with strange men. He didnt care how much this disgusted me. The more I would protest, the worse he would treat me. He would insult me and badger me, until I gave in. I can never take enough showers to not feel like filth.

He brought me cocaine to try before one of my "dates". I found that the cocaine made my "dates" easier for me to bear. This became a routine. After the kids were put to bed, I would find the cocaine he left waiting for me in my bedroom, and my "date" would show up a few hours later. I dont know how I was able to stop the cocaine, because he was constantly trying to tempt me with it...but I finally stood my ground and stopped it all (the coke and the sex).

After I stopped having sex with strangers, he could not be satisfied with conventional sex anymore. He sulked about our sex life for the next 7 years. 2 years ago, we stopped having sex all together.

He would call me names in front of our children everyday...*****, *****, coke*****, etc. He would also call the kids names daily...******, pig, *****, asshole, etc. He would tell the kids I didnt love them, and not to listen to me, because I was crazy.

My father passed away last year and left me $250,000. My husband immediatly quite his job, and made foolish and selfish decisions on how to squander my inherientance. I knew I needed to make a decision to leave him, because this was the only chance I would ever get. I investested some of it in a small business, and left most of it on the stocks and mutual funds where my father had them.

I was too afraid to ask him for a divorce still, because I knew I would catch a beating in front of the kids, especially now that he's on steriods. I also knew I would be accused of leaving him because I didnt want to share my inherritance. But last week he pushed me too far, and I finally snapped...I told him I wanted a divorce. As expected, he attacked me in front of the children, and our 13 yr old called 911. He was arrested and taken to jail. The officer at the scene heard him blame it all on my daughter, and asked the judge for protective custody for me and the children.

He violated the order 2 days later, on july 4th, by chasing us in his car. I called 911 again and had him rearrested. He is out on bond again now, with a GPS tracking device on his ankle. However, I still dont feel safe, and my kids and I are now hiding in a hotel.

He is on Facebook all day, everyday crying the blues. Telling all kinds of lies, and rallying support from family and friends. I have stayed silent here, hiding like a scared animal with the kids. His parents have both told me to never contact them again. I cant tell anyone how awful he was to us, without mudslinging, and airing our dirty laundry. I am hurt that I have lost his family too.

I hear he is suicidal and that terrifies me. I fear he will kill us all.
I have terrible nightmares every night now. I wake up panicked and feel high anxiety ALL day. I'm also depressed. Will I ever feel good again?

Thanks for listening

[Sannah]

Hi AF, welcome to PC. I'm so glad that you finally left him. Have you contacted any domestic violence shelters for support? Do you have any support from your family? And yes, you can heal.

[healed84]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and welcome to PC. I am so sorry to hear about your abuse and I glad that you are away from him now. I suspect that you will be able to find healing, though it may take awhile. Right now, I would focus on finding people who are on your side and can help protect you. For sure, look into the domestic abuse shelters for resources. Also, now that I am in Thearpy now.. I would highly suggest it. It will be a place you can go and tell of your hurts, vent, cry, be angry, and the T will be able to help you through it all. Give you tools, etc.. I really hope that you are your kids are able to stay safe and move on from your situation.

[Almost_Free]

Originally Posted by healed84

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and welcome to PC. I am so sorry to hear about your abuse and I glad that you are away from him now. I suspect that you will be able to find healing, though it may take awhile. Right now, I would focus on finding people who are on your side and can help protect you. For sure, look into the domestic abuse shelters for resources. Also, now that I am in Thearpy now.. I would highly suggest it. It will be a place you can go and tell of your hurts, vent, cry, be angry, and the T will be able to help you through it all. Give you tools, etc.. I really hope that you are your kids are able to stay safe and move on from your situation.

Thank you for the kind words, and as I suspected, telling the whole truth for the first time has felt relieving for me.

We have been going to a family crisis counsler, however, she wants to see us each seperatly every week. There are 5 of us, and 2 of them see their own counselers and psycologists and psychitrists weekly for ocd, and adhd. I am so busy with all the work my attorney gave me, that I fear there wont be enough hours in the week to get all these things done. I am hoping that when the immediate safty issues are calmer, that we can tackle the therepy head on.

I contacted the women's shelter that the victim's advocate referred me to, and was told that they cant accomadate 4 children at this time. I would feel sorta bad going there anyway, when I do have other resources now. The space they do have would probably be better used on someone who has nowhere else to go.

Anyway, thank you again. I was a little worried after this thread took so lonf to show up. I feared maybe some aspects of my story were too offensive and I felt perhaps I should'nt have told so much. But is nice to get it out finally.

[Almost_Free]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi AF, welcome to PC. I'm so glad that you finally left him. Have you contacted any domestic violence shelters for support? Do you have any support from your family? And yes, you can heal.

Thank you for the encouragement. I have a mother, but she is a worrier. When I talk to her, she remids me of all the worst casenerios that he could do to us. She is an anxiety trigger. She means well though.

[SeekingZen]

Almost Free, I am so sorry that you and your kids are going through this. It takes a lot of courage to leave, and I commend you for that. Please contact a domestic abuse women's shelter. They will likely have resources to help you and your children stay safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children...

[Almost_Free]

Originally Posted by SeekingZen

Almost Free, I am so sorry that you and your kids are going through this. It takes a lot of courage to leave, and I commend you for that. Please contact a domestic abuse women's shelter. They will likely have resources to help you and your children stay safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children...

Thank You.
I feel very ashamed that I could be so weak as to wait 15 years to go. Most women I know would never allowed themselves to be controlled like that for 10 minutes, let alone 15 years. I tell my divorce lawyer dosent even respect me. I havent told her about the sex or the drugs. She is such a liberal-type women. She rolled her eyes at me and told me I was crazy for giving him $1000, when the police escorted him to the home to get some personal things.

I told her that I felt guilty for taking so much away from him, and she said I was nuts. Maybe she is right. I'm not angry yet though, I just want him to leave us alone.

[Almost_Free]

This is a sample of what I am dealing with from our friends and family...This was a message I got from his sister today...

"Did he hit you? Ever?? Or any guns? There was no reason to call the police! Talk about kids witnessing abuse! There father went to jail! They will have issues for life! All marriages have ups and downs and say things they will regret,but you work them out . I think you both need help,and right now as a family not letting the kids see there father and your husband of 15 years is crazy! Don't you care how it is hurting all of them! I think you need some Help if you don't see what you are doing. At least he should be able to see them,he loves them soo much! He would never hurt them. If he actually hit u and the kids I would agree with you,but right now my heart is breaking for those children,they Need both of You! How could you be so Cold! I'm praying for you!.."

I have been getting similiar hate mail all week. How do I deal with this? How can people be so ignorant?

[Purple Heart]

Hi

Your former husband fits the description of a psychopath but I could be wrong. But anyway those type of people need to be avoided at all cost, they are very dangerous! As above people say, contact your local domestic violence service to assist you. You can't do this alone. He seems highly manipulative and has no empathy for what he does. I think you're right to not trust him when he is depressed as he could be the type of person that could try to harm you or the kids.

[Sannah]

So his family doens't know what really went on or they don't want to believe it?

[Almost_Free]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So his family doens't know what really went on or they don't want to believe it?

Both, I suppose. It sounds like his sister believes you have to be struck or threatened with a gun to be abused, otherwise, the police should not have been involved. I replied with some of what has been going on in our home over the years. Not the sex or drugs part. Then I blocked her. I have enough on my plate right now. It is just to upsetting to hear her accusations toward me.

I am finally starting to feel angry though, and it feels much more empowering than the guilt and shame I felt up until now.

[Almost_Free]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Hi

Your former husband fits the description of a psychopath but I could be wrong. But anyway those type of people need to be avoided at all cost, they are very dangerous! As above people say, contact your local domestic violence service to assist you. You can't do this alone. He seems highly manipulative and has no empathy for what he does. I think you're right to not trust him when he is depressed as he could be the type of person that could try to harm you or the kids.

The longer I am away from him, the clearer i am seeing things. I believe you may be right

[Almost_Free]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So his family doens't know what really went on or they don't want to believe it?

Sorry, I should have been more clear. This was AFTER I told her of the last events.
When I told him I wanted a divorce, he went into a rage. He choked me, head-butted me, knocked me to the floor twice, and bit my face...All while the children looked on screaming and begging him to stop.

She still thinks the police should not have been involved, beause he never "hit" me.