[circles5]

hi.

basically... i'm looking for some sympathy.

i can't give anything back right now. i feel too much a husk, of something that was or could've been.

i live with a fully NPD father.
my mother has BDD,Bulimia,Ocd and whatever else.
i have BDD,OCD,GAD, panic disorder, ptsd,bulimia.... e.t.c



my main problem at the moment is my dad. Anyone who lives with a relative with NPD will understand the lengths i go to just to keep myself sane.

i'm pretty un-respondant to most stimuli,... i feel i'm pretty 'damaged' so to say.

i have a second round of therapy at the Maudsley coming up..
but i just don't know .
i know it will do good... but my situation is so bad. i don't know how much can be rectified.

^i know i haven't gone in to much detail... but send me a virtual hug or whatever the f. and i will be grateful for sure.
sorry for anyone else in a similar turmoil.

much love
J


p.s: i'm sorry,; i'm not sure if this is the right forum to post in.
j

[Trippin2.0]

sss as many as you need, I have plenty to give. XOXO

[Sannah]

Have you talked to the therapist about your toxic living situation?

[Fuzzybear]

[2bme]

((((Circles))))

[Open Eyes]

((((((circles5))))))

Oh yes, sending you big ((((((HUGS)))))))).

Sadly, yes, I can relate and even though I do my best to distance I still have damage from that atmosphere growing up.

The good part is that you had to courage to ask for support and hugs. Personally I have a real hard time with that, because it was so engrained in me not to. So I am glad you are seeing that you are worthy of hugs and help, because you are.

I am glad that there is a therapy that helps you. However I agree with Sannah, you need to make sure that you discuss this in therapy.

All I CAN say is that it is very important that you DO understand that you cannot fix these toxic people, even though you want to love them somehow and that is what many of us DO learn.

You are welcome to come and get as many hugs as you need as well as support.

Open Eyes

[circles5]

Heheh.

thankyou all. i feel better

i spoke with my pychiatrist about 3 weeks ago and she has written me a letter stating that a need a 1 bedroom flat asap.

but the problem is i can't leave.
i'm clinging on to the remnants of my wacky childhood.

nothing has ever been good unless it's had my dads approval.
at 7 years old, i consciously made a decision that my dad was so much better than me;
that i had to hide my personality away.
and could only project his.
i remember going for weeks without using my vocal chords.
because i "had" nothing to say and i'd told all of my dads stories to date.
i could only tell his stories, his ways of doing things e.t.c
as i viewed mine as completely tasteless... and i would be hated, ridiculed for ever telling them.

problem is i'm so attached.
the thought alone of telling him "this isn't working out" brings me to complete despair and unhappiness.
the last time i tried to leave he was on the phone crying; telling me to come home... - {talk about emotional blackmail}... although we left on bad terms.

and the worst bit is ... despite how bloody awful my life is frequently..
i have become numb./accustomed? to it.
infact it doesn't really phase me. it feels familiar.
but the thought of upsetting my dad. or striking out under my own guidance terrifies and emotionally haunts me.

he's been steadily taking me down. causing so much doubt in my mind about myself since i was seven {earliest i'm aware of -_-}
and all the while boasting his 'awesomeness'
the transmorphis feels complete
i have adopted my 'dad' as myself.
and he has taken everything about me deemed desirable.. or desirable to others for himself.

and i've been contemplating the idea for the last few months that i have
now become a narcissist.
and this really brings me down.
as i see it as a complete circle of hopeless.
I don't want to treat people the way my dad does when i get older.
he got worse with age... thats for sure.
i've seen the word Toxic used alot to describe narcissists.
and i don't want to be toxic. i'd see that as a waste of time, as i would never be better.... just better able to inflict pain on others.


BX
Man gotta sort this **** out



Edit: i know i haven't told much about him. but trust me he's quite high up the malignancy scale.
he's very sadistic.. seems to have no boundaries; bar physical assault, as he's way to cunning to do something so easily picked up on as beat me up. As how would he explain to everyone that it was my fault? that i'm violent, aggressive and mentally unsound; and make them feel sorry for him.... .. .

The eyes. thats where there is something seriously wrong. you look into their eyes... nothing. empty cruelness is all you behold. until they have an agenda..: then it's greed, power tripping, goal based glint{in eye}.
and then usually followed by anger. furious righteous anger, all just for you.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, do you talk a therapist about all this?

[circles5]

sadly not yet.

my first therapist wasn't really all that good... i must say..

and i've been out of contact with therapists, pychs and even g.ps for a year and a half.


so.. it's kinda been buzzing round my head.. alot, really.
i've had a few outbursts online. hehehh
and have received some invaluable support from kind people on forums.

but, i haven't had a chance to talk to the med team about it.
my friends don't believe me... my mum has had her fair share of my dads ways.
my old therapist didn't believe me. she thought that i was being paranoid/neurotic...

But.. the psychiatrist who 're-diagnosed' me recently took me seriously.. she's the one who wrote me the letter stating i need a 1 bed flat as a matter of urgency.

i'll get to talk to a therapist, but currently am in the que.
but i feel stuck right now. i'm in too much of a mess to approach leaving.. but i can't get better without leaving... always these damn catch 22s. lol

Cheers Open Eyes
BX

[Sannah]

Leaving is the only way to save yourself and it won't be easy but you can do it with support. I would suggest having a therapist before you tackle this one and find all the other supports that you can (include us!). Your dad sounds really sick.