[suzzie]

if i think i matter to people. it always sends me to such a bad place so fast. why cant i just be ok with it. am i just a selfish, arrogant person. who is all wrapped in themself. and cant think of others.

just thinking....having a bad day

[Open Eyes]

You suffered child abuse and these mixed feelings come from that. You need to LEARN how to be comfortable with people caring about you. You probably didn't get that as a child.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[kaliope]

to expand on what open eyes said...if we think we matter to people that causes conflict with all those other negative thoughts that justify what a terrible person we are. the thoughts that make all the negative things that happened to us make sense, because if we are bad awful people, then all the bad things that happened to us we deserved. but if people like us, that must mean that we are worthy of good. which directly contradicts all these negative messages we have received. how could all this bad happen if we were good?

simply put, bad stuff happens to good people. its not about us. its about the sickos who hurt us. ive realized i wasnt bad at all. i didnt deserve any of it. i didnt earn any of it. he was very sick. not me. i wasnt at fault at all. i am very deserving of love. and its taken a very long time and it was very distressing to let people love me, but i have finally learned that love doesnt hurt. i can let people love me today. but it does take time.

there is nothing wrong with you suzzie. it is a mtter of trust. and as open eyes says. its something you have to learn to do.

[roads]

suzzie, I hope what Kaliope and Open Eyes have said will connect with you and make sense at some level. What happened to you in the past happened because of bad things others brought into your life, not because of any badness in you.

As I've come to know you more over the past months, I've gotten to like you and then to care about you--& if you can't handle that yet, you can tell me so. No one wants you to be uncomfortable.

But as Kaliope and Open Eyes have said, you are a good person. And over time, being lovable (and being loved) is something you'll need to work on getting used to.

So I just want you to know that I'm quite content to wait until you can be comfortable with others caring.

Roadie

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by suzzie

if i think i matter to people. it always sends me to such a bad place so fast.

Originally Posted by suzzie

am i just a selfish, arrogant person. who is all wrapped in themself. and cant think of others.

These 2 thoughts above are opposites but you seem to feel that they are the same?

One is that you don't feel that you are important and the 2nd one is that you feel that you are over important.

Did any of your abusers tell you that you were selfish if you ever thought about yourself or your needs?

[Open Eyes]

Wow Sannah has a point here. And it made me stop and think back myself and " ALL" MY ABUSERS DID THAT WITH ME.

For me, what that did is it evolved into me somehow struggling with allowing myself to "reward and be happy" for myself. And there is part of me that truely knows what it feels like to struggle with self worth somehow and not seem to be able to know HOW to feel comfortable when I feel happy. And abusers teach their victims that the ONLY time they should feel happy and safe is WHEN THEY ARE SERVICING somehow.

And that can become part of every victims core that they struggle with constantly. I honestly have that problem myself and it is hard to fix it. It can be very hard when we grow up in a situation where there is some kind of struggle with the people we need to trust to teach us how to value ourselves and feel happy. And somehow it becomes what WE KNOW how to do and often we CAN make bad choices about who we interact with, friends, spouces etc. because we can unknowingly choose to be around other people that CAN be abusive as well.

Wow, Sannah, this really hit home with me big time. I have been really struggling with my feelings about my older sister and she has done and said some things that have hurt and confused me to my core.

There is all kinds of abuse and we can fall into somehow learning that we have to follow SOMEONE WHO INSISTS ON CONTROL and our only safty lies within PLEASING THEM. And it can be such a silent thing and yet what it really does is when it DOES come time to stand up for ourselves, we can honestly struggle. This for me goes all the way back. And when we are little, so very little, we are programed to please somehow. And in that we are so dependant that we can unknowingly be taught the wrong way to please. And even be taught that if we try to do the next step in pleasing ourselves, if we are punished for our individuality? We struggle every time we make efforts to be an individual. And in that mix is what you are expressing
suzzie.

I serviced my sister very well. But she never liked my freedom or what I did that I harbored my happiness in. And when I suffered a big blow to that it was her time to get BACK THE CONTROL. I went to the psychward and I was really bad and I was basically in shock to be honest. My sister met with the staff and planted a seed that I am still struggling with now. She told them I was a narcissist and THEY BELIEVED HER. I can see it in my records and instead of getting what I truely needed, they punished me thinking they were dealing with someone who was somehow acting or something. How awful and I had no idea because I was so bad. And that one word put down in writing was going to punish me over and over and set a course of treatment that was so wrong for me. And my sister didn't stop there either. She poisened everyone and they all were so mean to me which made my brain cringe and make me feel like I was a complete failure and I was seriously considering some very dangerous thoughts. Some abusers are so unbelievable in their need for CONTROL.

I hope that you work on this in therapy. I will be honest with you, I am slowly working on it myself and it IS a struggle. And even though I have been told by therapists I am defintely not that terrible word, I am still just so hurt by it. But abusers don't always realize what is wrong with them either and they can be so incredibly convincing when they want to get into a control position. They can sure become so incredibly skilled and really think they have all the answers and will be able to know how to twist things in their favor by doing their best to portray their victim as the one who is in the wrong. They often know what people tend to believe and mistrust about others and they work it like professionals.

"NOT YOUR FAULT" give yourself permission to LEARN how to work your way through this.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[mortimer]

I hear you. The shame we feel because of what happens is compounded when we are rejected.

Because this rejection ties to our shame that we're terrible people. If we're rejected, that shame must be true.

I hear you, and I feel the same way. Rejection is the worst.