confrontation -- possible trigger

O.K., I've avoided this for a couple decades, but I'm starting to feel like I want to somehow tell the two who raped me how much I hate their guts. They were never prosecuted, but what they did was especially brutal, very violent and would scare the hell out of an adult, let alone a child. They used guns and ropes and knives and screamed and I could hardly breath. I was so small, it was so absolutely just to be mean and intimidating and cruel and wicked for whatever perversity they had. I share this to help you understand the true nature of who I'm dealing with. On the surface, they're chuchgoing, smiling "upstanding" members of the community. In reality, they're as vicious as you can imagine. And I'm tired of cowering inside to them. I'm staring to feel like I want to communicate this to them somehow, to take back that power in a real way. Just not really sure where to start or if I should confront them at all, and I know I have to be very careful with myself and not to expect anything from them. But I know what I've been feeling lately and deep inside I feel a need to do something. If you have any feeling about this stuff, please let me know. I could use some feedback.

Thank you, and be well,

mtd

Ummm... Confrontation - been there. Not what I wanted but was what I expected -

I had this ideal dream of telling and then there would be the tv version of everyone crying and hugging and I'm sorrys and so forth. But good thing I prepared because the reality was I got swore at, threated with physical harm not short of my death, threats of arrest and commitment to a state mental ward for I was crazy for making suck rediculas allegations to my family let alone the whole and surrounding areas that I lived in. It took close to two years for it to settle down enough for any degree of safety for me.

years Before I actually disclosed I had made plans to do so.

How I prepared was using the book the courage to heal Disclosure and confrontations chapter on pages 144-159 in the textbook and in the workbook the Breaking silence chapter on pages 234-255.

My therapist at the time I made my decision also worked with me on all kinds of role play situations that could possibly happen.

My advise work on the worst possible scenerio and if you can handle that with your therapist you can handle anything that your abusers will say to you from their denying it to name calling and threats but hop[efully the end result for you will be the rarely happens situation of appology and so on.

Good luck and take care.

(((((mtd)))))

I've always been advised by therapists not to confront the abuser since it could be damaging. I know in the past when I did confront a guy who raped me, he only laughed it off, said it was a joke, and made me feel so much more worse.

I know the type of people you are speaking of...they go to church on Sundays and then break every commandment written during the week...thinking all they have to do is go to church to be forgiven or whatever. Like it's ok or something.

I really do hate people like that. I have wanted no part of that for so long.

Try to hang in there, stay safe, and remember that you were not to blame.

Hi MTD

I have been having similar thoughts, and from what I hear from others, it's not uncommon..I think it's that sense of Justice denied. There are more and more stories of this in the Media, about survivors holding their abusers accountable..good luck with whatever you decide..either way it is just plain scarey and traumatic..but we are used to that scenario aren't we..

when you confront be ready to forgive or it will never be over.

I know many survivors that have confronted and have good-great relationships with those they confronted and forgiveness was never a part of the package.

I never forgave my abusers for what they did to me. There is nothing there for me to forgive.

Bottom line -They committed a crime. In some cases more than one crime in committing that abuse.

I think about it this way would the family expect the accuser to forgive the person if the tool used was a joint laced with PCP and that person a family member gave the laced joint to a 5 year old child and then for the rest of that childs life their brain is messed up and fried and they can't hold down a job, take care of themselves. Of course not. the person who did it would have to live the rest of their life knowing what they did to that child and know that they were not going to recieve forgiveness.

Sexual abuse is no different. There is no way I can "forgive and everything is ok now". for its not ok.

I have to live with the left overs of chronic Depression for the rest of my life, I have to deal with the effects of PTSD for the rest of my life, I will always for the rest of my life have to be on my guard after I remember all that I have forgotten by being Dissociative Identity Disordered so that I continue useing my coping tools learned this past 5 years through my 24/7 therapy program instead of slipping back into dissociating to a 9-10 on the dissociation scale, And the things I go through now because of what my abusers did to me in part cost my son his mental problems, and could be a part of why he is unable to remain stable outside of child mental health units.

No there is no way forgiveness will ever be a part of the package of disclosure and confrontation. It wasn't a part of the package when I went public and it isn't now. and yes My family knows this and does not ask me for forgiveness. My abusers wanted me to appologize they didn't want forgiveness and if they had asked I would have told them what they had to do to recieve and bit piece of my forgiveness if I gave any at all and that would have been pay for my therapy sessions, enter therapy themselves, and register as a past child sexual abuser, no unsupervised contact with children under 18.

Disclosure and confrontation is not meant to say "ok I forgive you lets go on like nothing ever happened now"

The concept of disclosure and confrontation is the victim letting the abuser know - you did wrong and I did nothing wrong. You were the adult and I was the child. I should not have had to keep quiet like I was the one committing the crime so now Im telling and you the abuser can if you choose accept responsibilty for YOUR actions, If not well so be it but I will no longer cover your arse. I am disclosing so those in contact with YOU the abuser with children the age I was when you abused me can decide for themselves how to take care of their children so You cant abuse them and any that you may have already abused can see that it is ok to tell when someone is hurting them. I am through taking the blame for what you chose to do in committing those things on me, and I am through worrying about if you are hurting anyone else for now it is out in the open.

There are no groundrules in confronting and disclosing other than it is a time for the vicitms to start taking their power back for themselves in some cases so that they can start becoming a survivor instead of a victim.

Each person has to choose for themselves if they want to confront and disclose. and each person gets to decide for themselves if after confrontation and disclosure or without disclosure and confrontation if they want to and can forgive that person.

All the survivors that I know tell me they didn't forgive the abuser. for they couldnt see forgiving the committing of crimes on children. The word forgiveness did not figure in on the abuser. Some took the word forgiveness and applied it to themselves as in forgiving themselves. Some needed to come to understand their bodys were made to respond so they needed to find a way to let themselfs know that they did nothing wrong when their bodys reacted even though they were not enjoying the acts perpetrated against them. That is where they applied the word forgiveness. Forgiving themselfs for cutting because their bodys reacted, forgiving themselfs for not saying no when they felt they should have and so on.

I can't even begin to understand what I am feeling. I will never forgive. For that it takes the perp having taken responsibility. I guess I am triggered. I want to not hold hatred in my heart. Forgiveness or not is different then hatred.

Me again MTD. Can you either say to them or write to them the truth you know and tell them you refuse to use any other words for what happened to you and they are at fault. Give them the words and the details. And you are grown up now so they can't hurt you now. Peace

i've been thinking about the same thing. there is one man who hurt me and my cousin (he was my cousins step-dad and unfortunately he had access to her her whole life). I looked up his address and I want to send a threatening letter to him. Thats not really confrontation. I just want to threaten him to tell him that I know what he did..and have people watching to make sure he isn't around chidlren where he lives and if I think he is up to soemthing bad again, im going and telling it all to police.

i've been thinking about the same thing. there is one man who hurt me and my cousin (he was my cousins step-dad and unfortunately he had access to her her whole life). I looked up his address and I want to send a threatening letter to him. Thats not really confrontation. I just want to threaten him to tell him that I know what he did..and have people watching to make sure he isn't around chidlren where he lives and if I think he is up to soemthing bad again, im going and telling it all to police.

threats against an abuser are illegal and considered harrassment. Yes I know abusers use threats all the time to control their victims, but it wasn't right for them to do it, doing it back doesn't make it right either.

Also telling him you know what he did to the cousin may put the cousin in a hard spot or worse danger.

Let your cousin deal with what happened to that cousin and you take care of what happened to you. That is the only way it can be done.

Think of it this way would you like the cousin to threaten your abuser and the abuser come back on you for her actions and your telling the cousin what happened?

The only way you can make sure he has a less of a chance to hurt others is by confronting him on what he did to you and keeping the confrontation on your abuse and only your abuse and disclosing what he did to you and keeping those disclosures to others on information about the abuse on you and only on that abuse that happened to you.

Surprising someone that has been abused by disclosing their abuse and abuser will only lead to that abused person denying what you are saying and everyone will see you as a trouble maker instead of someone trying to help that other person.

again let cousin take care of cousin and you take care of you Thats the only way you will come out on top during confrontation and disclosure, (after a most likely rough beginning while everyone gets used to the fact that you are no longer going to keep quiet about what happened to you.)

threats against an abuser are illegal and considered harrassment. Yes I know abusers use threats all the time to control their victims, but it wasn't right for them to do it, doing it back doesn't make it right either.

Also telling him you know what he did to the cousin may put the cousin in a hard spot or worse danger.

Let your cousin deal with what happened to that cousin and you take care of what happened to you. That is the only way it can be done.

Think of it this way would you like the cousin to threaten your abuser and the abuser come back on you for her actions and your telling the cousin what happened?

The only way you can make sure he has a less of a chance to hurt others is by confronting him on what he did to you and keeping the confrontation on your abuse and only your abuse and disclosing what he did to you and keeping those disclosures to others on information about the abuse on you and only on that abuse that happened to you.

Surprising someone that has been abused by disclosing their abuse and abuser will only lead to that abused person denying what you are saying and everyone will see you as a trouble maker instead of someone trying to help that other person.

again let cousin take care of cousin and you take care of you Thats the only way you will come out on top during confrontation and disclosure, (after a most likely rough beginning while everyone gets used to the fact that you are no longer going to keep quiet about what happened to you.)

I really thank everyone for all that you have shared. It's given me a lot more to think about and I realize I'm not ready -- probably only ready to be angry. I hated myself for so long, now I want to hate them instead and I guess I'm looking for ways to express that. After reading what you have all shared, I've decided I don't yet know what I would be trying to do by confronting them, so it's not time.

Thank you so much for sharing. There's a lot of dignity and caring here and it really helps me.

Be well,

MTD

I really thank everyone for all that you have shared. It's given me a lot more to think about and I realize I'm not ready -- probably only ready to be angry. I hated myself for so long, now I want to hate them instead and I guess I'm looking for ways to express that. After reading what you have all shared, I've decided I don't yet know what I would be trying to do by confronting them, so it's not time.

Thank you so much for sharing. There's a lot of dignity and caring here and it really helps me.

Be well,

MTD