[circles5]

Hi.

i just wanted to get a couple of opinions on some of the things my Father says to me. I'm beyond sure he has NPD, but would never ever get him diagnosed.
These three occurrences happened within 20 mins of eachother..
and we had the rest of the family around at our house + in the room.
which is why he was being so cunning and crafty so that only i would pick up on his behavior.. {as intended}.
(he really seems to have extra fun when he can mess with me whilst there is other company in the room; without getting caught.)

M= Me D= DAD

1.)
Me: yeah my friend xxx ate a whole load of food {last thursday}
D: Well he's really quite a big guy.
M: not particularly, but he's very tall.
D: Nah, he's VEry muscular: really big shoulders.
then goes on to say;
D: yeah, well it's weird, because back in the day, xxx used to be the
skinny runt of the gang.
{pause}

2.) My Dads been uncomfortable with his short hair since it's been cut... {4-5days} He keeps mentioning it.. and then comforting himself; 'well thats's what it was meant to be / well thats all good, it's a good thing' e.t.c
he's also been mentioning the length of my hair Alot.

D: My hairs so short! {i didn't respond}
D: wow your hairs really long, swear it must've grown about an inch in the last month..
D: remember when you had your hair cropped really short just after your 21st?
M: Yeh
D: It looked really good then... {pause}

3.)
My dads talking for everyone as usual.. and is talking about a restaurant him and his girlfriend went to.
I start drumming a tune on my lap.
straight away he then says this.
D: Yeah,,, and they had Really good music... {pause}
goes into length about why They were really good.
I continue playing regardless.
so then he starts drumming on the table really loudly over the top of me,
a) to show he's better, and b) to stop me doing it.



i know they could easily ^ be overlooked, but its all very intentional.
what i have drawn from them.

1.) [I]i used to be very muscular, big shoulders... xxx used to be skinny..
i should add here that my Dad makes sure there is never much food in the house, he doesn't want me being big and strong-(ger) than him.

2.) just trying to make me feel bad about my hair now.. and him good about his now.

3.)trying to discourage me playing music. (i'm a musician FFS)
as he sees playing music as a really desirable trait, one that he thinks
looks really good to other people. i.e. he only would want it for the
aesthetics of; Him looking good playing music.
and when i wouldn't stop.. ;he had failed to put me down.
he simply played over the top in a primitive power display.


but yeh... that was 20 mins in company.
he gets oh, so much worse when there are no onlookers.
he barely takes a break to breathe.

so is this definatley NPD were talking about???
i'm pretty damn sure it is.... but on the malignant side, possibly?
i KNOW i am not making mountains out of molehills.
is NPD the most fitting diagnosis.?

thanks for Reading.
Circlesx

[Sannah]

Hi Circles, it is hard to tell from this. People with NPD don't have empathy for others, are in denial about reality (because they need to get reality to fit what they need) and get their feelings hurt very easily to name a few things.

[circles5]

yeah.. but it's his willingness to hurt. that gets me.

he has knowledge of what he can 'do' to people.
en fact he's proud as punch, that he can mess with people so proficiently.

he tells me, endlessly and with utmost admiration for himself;
how he 'battles' - 'bad' people online.
how he creates multiple accounts on forums so he can overpower 'wrong-doers' online
and put them in their 'rightful' place.

he is a writer. he is his profession. thus he considers everything to be part of his art.
what that has translated to.. is being aware of his narcissistic tendencies.
and watering and feeding them.
instead of going: 'oh ****.. what am i?'
he relishes in his own depravity.. and enjoys his 'art'.
all the while playing the 'main role/hero' is his f*ng manuscript.

He Does have knowledge of his actions.
he may have knowledge; trickled through mountains of self defence from its source.
but i KNOW. often, he does see EXactly what he is doing.
for whatever ultimate holistic purpose it is... he makes a concious decision to rectify the situation by using someone-else.

He does, also do it by default. but alot of the time there is a concious cognitive process involved.
i can see the clogs manually turning.



i appear to be NPD myself, which sucks.
but i'm painfully aware of when i am doing bad.
i have Immense difficulty averting my natural responses/defences.
but if i can do so when need arrises... ((there's a third person; party to the 'one-on-one' i was having) - who might pick up on my 'magic' as they are not under the 'veil'))
surely i can choose not to behave that way, all the time?.

but, i suppose i'm getting around to the point:
what are you supposed to do upon realizing your condition.
I've read therapy doesn't really help.. but i seem to be making 'some headway.

------------

i'm getting over the realization that i don't, and never have known who he is.
He at least used to have some respite from Fullon 100% NPD mode.
where he would have some consistency between his;selves.
but these days... his eyes are always 'rolledback' (like when sharks go in)
He never surfaces out from goal-driven, vengence-fueld; Ego rocketing, manipulative Bastad mode.

and of course..., i'm having my own id crisis through my lack of continuity.
i don't particularly know who i am anymore.
i scared the Crp out of myself the other day... when i realized the different ways i've adapted to being, for the circumstance.
different subsets of personalities/egos all designed to demonstrate certain attributes; i felt i needed to posses.
i always thought i was: shy, good-willed, humble, funny, talented, nice e.t.c
and gone about upholding my desired image.
but it's all fallen down around my feet.
now i know. and i can't let myself fake it anymore.
i now know when i'm faking it more than ever.
now i feel like: 'oh here i go being all nice again....-_-'
and while i'll be being nice.. my actual conscious thoughts are:

'you know you don't really care,, what are you trying to get out of this.?'
'you've gotta keep up appearance.. so as to keep things sweet'
'don't want them thinking bad of you'
'can't let them know i don't care, need to express some interest.
'ah, make them feel interested in and cared about and then i'll be able to
ask them if they can do xxxxx for me, and they'll probably say yes'

: all the while mostly taking an active part in the real conversation.

i am scared of going out with my friends.. as i am currently unable to mask my tendencies {tendencies putting it lightly}
i keep slipping up and being nasty very close to the surface, to the point it has raised a few eyebrows. (i think i'm very discreet normally)
and i don't want to hurt these people.
and i... guess more importantly to me...: i've spent a long time with these people.. that is a good era of my life.. i don't want to loose them all.
i don't want to taint a time that was good.
everyone is getting wise to me.. including me.

i'm thinking of cutting off ties with them.. as i'd rather leave things as they were than get 'caught'.
and some of my friends have very serious life issues going on.
and i keep catching myself dropping in insidous 'KEYWORDS' to elict an emotional response from my 'companion'. : purley for my ammusement.

God i even suck at narcism.. i really do hate myself for how i conduct myself.


thankyou for reading
Circles.

[circles5]

hopefully this will demonstrate his narcism better:

a.)
he has no appreciation of other peoples desires.
none.
to the point where he'll tell me the same story 10 times over {word4word}.
i'll explain that he's told me already.
but that does not factor into it.. he's not telling me a story as such.
It's him telling the story thats important.
the particular story will show him in a particular light and quel any insecurities that he had on that subject.
i am just a tool for this psychological process of his.

b.)
He snogged a prostitute at the dinner table (infront of me.), shortly after breaking up marriage with my mum.

c.) i'll have some friends over. as soon as they arrive, so does my dad from upstairs.
He will then, without fail spend half an hour talking to/at my friends.
he will make a sustained effort to exclude me from these conversations.
even to the extent of deliberately standing infront of me; inbetween me and my friends.. and making sure never to make eye contact with me or let them do so either.
He makes sure to cover all and everything relevant.
will take over the enjoyment of sharing recent events; catching up e.t.c
makes sure to leave no single shred of interesting things me and him might have knowledge of for me to tell.
extracts all the information like: how are you? what are you up to?
and when he feels like he's got his dues.. then he clears off.
leaving all the initial things me and my friends would talk about already covered.



theres just so many things he does... i'm drawing blanks at the moment.
but it is definitely there.

- sorry if i'm on the defense here... but usually/almost always.
people don't believe me when i talk about his narcism.
it's Very frustrating.
They think i'm being neurotic or something like that.
and just like the fear of people thinking your vein - when you have bdd.
i get upset when i really 'try to pour my heart out about this. and people just tell me its nothing.
(my friends don't believe me. they know somethings up with him.. but leave it at that)
^ those friends also don't believe in anxiety disorders
and i have all but given up trying to explain to them about how my anxietys effect me.

but this is all driving me crazy.
depersonalization, Bad self realizations, Whopping anxiety, awful living environment, recurrent depression.
i do have therapy on the way, but the nhs waiting list is Long.
cx

[Sannah]

Hi Circles, I do hope that your name comes up quickly on the NHS list. I'm sorry that you are in distress. I'll keep reading if you keep posting.

[circles5]

Hey Sannah, thanks for reading + replying.

I've just found out, my next round of C.B.T starts in 1 week!!
so very pleased about that.

Now: how to be honest with my therapist..
reckon i might just right down a ton of info and give it to them to read between sessions...
but will i actually..? and how much is exceptable to give them.. (wordcap.)

gotta, get to grips with this therapy..

all the best.
circles.

[Sannah]

So glad that you start next week!