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#1
Apr 24, 2012, 11:36 AM
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Hey. I'm new on here and I've looked at a couple of threads and now I feel terrible for signing up as my problems are really very little compared to some of the tragic stories I have read so far.
I was wondering if anyone had a similar problem to me. I've been feeling very down about my life lately and I hadnt really linked these feelings to any particular thing, up until recently I realized that my feelings of sadness and zero self-worth and belief was down to my mum. All my life me and my two siblings have lived in fear of my mother. Not because she was physically abusive to us, but because she brought us up to fear her disapproval. Because of this we'd constantly fight for her approval and if we did what she wanted she would only ask more of us or say we didnt do well enough. Over the years my mum has become increasingly difficult to deal with and in the past two years my two siblings (who are both older) have both moved away to the other side of the world (which I think is partly to do with not being able to handle my mums emotional blackmail and abuse). Now I'm the only one of her kids left and I get all the crap for the three of us. The problem is that she gives us all the financial stability a person could need, but never thinks about our feelings. She's obsessed with money and bases her opinions of people on what they can afford and their education. She has gone as far too judge my sister's boyfriend based on the fact that he doesnt have a degree and she said this to her face as she feels it is her right to. She cries when we dont do as she says or if we disagree and sometimes even just sits and screams. It's just not normal, and she makes me worry about her constantly by not answering text messages or emails when I ask if shes ok from Uni, something she would be so upset with me for if I did the same to her. Lately ive started to think she does this for attention. Anyway, Im finishing uni now and moving home because i havent been able to get a job yet. Already she cant go a second without critisizing me. It really upsets me but if I tell her this she just says im being stupid and begins the emotional blackmail again "Why are you making me out to be a bad mother?" "Well I'll just stop paying for you then". Her behaviour has left me with no self-worth and no self-belief. I feel that everything is my fault, no matter the situation, as my mother has constantly blamed everything on me and my siblings for our whole lives, probably so she doesnt have to blame herself. Anyway, it probably doesnt sound like much and its quite hard to explain what she does exactly, but the point is I really dont think I can handle the pressure of being her daughter anymore. I love my mum more than anything and the thought of not being around her makes me want to cry, but I just dont see how I can ever live my life with her around. She makes me so sick and depressed now and her constant negativity and destruction of every chance at success or happiness I get is really too much now that i'm older. I will always feel terrible for everything I do. If I work for the summer "I only worked for afew months because Im so lazy" or if I apply for a job im really keen on getting "I'll never get that job because my degree isnt good enough". The unemployment problems in the UK are even my fault according to her, because Im a new graduate and i cant find a job the second I leave uni "I'm obviously just being lazy or stupid so people dont want to employ me". Sorry if this sounds melodramatic, it seems pathetic compared to other peoples problems. After 23 years of having every happy feeling crushed by someone who's only jealous that the 'best part of their life is over' I just feel like I dont deserve a thing. Hope someone has some words of advice  Thanks
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 redbull
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#2
Apr 24, 2012, 10:16 PM
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Hi Cbz, welcome to PC. Your mum sounds incredibly toxic. Obtaining mental health in her presence sounds almost impossible. What are your options?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Apr 24, 2012, 10:42 PM
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I didn't know I had a sister!
Kidding, of course. But your problem is not little or unworthy of help. Your mother seems very self-centered and seems to be using emotional and psychological tactics to control those around her. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. I am a big advocate of stepping away from a family member if necessary for your health. That's not selfish; it's smart. I hope you can get some physical and emotional distance ASAP. She sounds very damaging. |
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#4
Apr 25, 2012, 09:20 AM
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I'm right there with you - just because it's emotional abuse doesn't make it alright, far from it. I struggle to push my own mother's manipulative psychotic voice out of my head sometimes, but my other half is great for stepping in and telling me how wrong she is. Telling someone how she is, and telling them when she displays this kind of behaviour so they can support you is really helpful.
Is there anyone else you could move in with? I crashed on friends floors and sofas for a few months and it was muuuuch preferable to going home. Having a counsellor to vent to can be really useful too, and having someone identify her toxic behaviour and agree it is is really helpful in reminding yourself you are not the one in the wrong. I hope you find a solution that brings you some peace. |
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#5
Apr 25, 2012, 11:27 PM
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Welcome to PC, Cbzzzz.
The one issue that jumped out at me is that your mother uses her finances to get you to do what she wants & then makes you feel guilty. My mom used to do the same with me. All along saying that she wanted to help me, family is SO important to her, etc. It caused me a lot of guilt. Like I had to do X because Mom needed help. After many years of this banter between us growing, I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that I could not accept her attempts (despite my real financial needs, because my emotional health is more important to me) to "help me" (aka:buy me off). Unfortunately, my refusal to accept my mom's buy-offs have created a lot more tension between us. I'd always felt that tension before, but it was mostly on my side. It's pretty ugly, imo. Like a big invisible elephant in the room, it isn't discussed. I can't take all of the emotional stress nowadays, so I've told my family not to contact me. I will contact them if/when I am ready for a connection. That is what I needed to do to gain some sense of self-respect. Very best wishes to you! I hope that you don't have to go to the extreme to get your mother to change her ways ~ but do know that it's an option, rather than continuing to put up with her emotional put-downs. I did start off by seeing my mom less often, keeping conversations very brief and vague, very few calls (if ever). A year or so of that led to my e-mail requesting more space. (As there were still comments when she would see me, "You can always call," or "We ought to see each other more often," and "You can always come out here". Yet she hadn't picked up the phone to call me or drive to my place.) Just little jabs of guilt here and there. You can pick up on it a lot more quickly once you get to know her ~ but her first impression is that she's a very thoughtful and loving woman. Others, like my dad, would often speak up for my mom. You ought to call your mom. She feels... Man, I hated that! Your description doesn't sound melodramatic to me. If your mom is using you and making you feel bad often, it's a good thing to stand back and ask why that is. What is happening within the relationship? How can it be changed? What changes are you willing to make within yourself and your personal behavior? It can take a little time before you come to any serious decisions on that. But think about it.
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
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#6
Apr 25, 2012, 11:37 PM
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Hi
It sounds like you are describing my mother!! The first thing you need to do is MOVE OUT ASAP!!!! Get as far away from her as possible!! She is toxic and very manipulative!! There is a great book I read years ago by an American author Susan Forward called 'Toxic Parents'. I recommend you buy it or get it from the library!!! It's the bible on toxic parents like your mother. And lastly see a therapist to help decode the brainwashing she has done on you! |
| happy101
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#7
May 01, 2012, 10:06 AM
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Quote:
  
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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