is there any hope..

i think. because i started this stuff with 2 ts. and then just stopped in the middle of it. both times. that is what is making it harder. its just all in my head. and i dont know what to do with it. so i just keep thinking. and shuffling it. and trying to block it. but a little keeps seeping out sometimes. and i sink.

thoughts

broken apart
now unwanted
left disarded

hidden from sight
pieces scattered
emptiness held

some parts missing
some parts changed
none the same

no purpose
no connections
no existing

building more walls
sealing the exits
keeping from all

value removed
isolation found
hope so lost

not doing good at finding something to keep busy. just keep coming to pc. today is hard. fighting wanting to s/i for comfort. its going to be hard to see a new t after so long with none. im already anxious of the idea.

Hello - I hope you can call. I felt little hope on Sat. And actually called my T to tell her I wanted to take a break for the summer. I was lucky she called me back and I saw her today. Keep posting so we can reach out to you.

cant call. had a t. but dont have one right now.

glad you were able to connect with your t.

i think being in this box is my destiny. even though sometimes i can see a thin stream of light. and think maybe im wrong. it always gets quickly sealed off again. its better if i dont try looking out anyway. its harder seeing and knowing.

the truth that was given to me..
no hope is the truth i try to believe is a lie. but i know its not.
hope is the lie i try to believe is truth. but i know its not.
the only truth i know..

i dont know if a t can fix this.
the box is so real.
and the truth i see. so clear.

I identify so much with this feeling.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

You hold on and keep talking to us. (if you feel like it) Or just know we are here.

You have PC.

We love you.

Billi

held from view
but all thats seen
always present
this unrelenting feeling
that there is no hope
just an illusion of it
that likes to try
and tease for moments
till truth quickly shatters it
a truth thats always there
always waiting for it
no matter how many
its necessary
to shatter the illusion

Suzzie, I am so sorry that you have to wait. A T can help you. You just need to be able to talk all of these things through so that you can sort through it and eventually discard all the unhelpful thoughts/feelings.

i dont know where to go any more. my world is getting smaller and smaller. soon there will be nowhere left for me to stand. someone told me at work today. that someone i work with. cant stand working with me. because they have to do everything. their work. and mine. because i dont know how to do anything. and do nothing right. everyday. they tell me im doing something wrong. something too inefficient. too slow. they said that either i go. or they will. they think im incompetent at my job. ive had such anxiety at work lately because of this person. and nearly panic sometimes. and am often shaking with of doing the job fast enough. right enough. good enough. the boss likes this person. changes alot of things at their request. im am nothing there. today we had a meeting. and in it. the boss said in general way. if a person cant work fast enough. maybe they are in the wrong industry. probably meant me. because the only ones there. were the boss, the person complains daily about me. and me. i hate knowing i am such burden. and of no help. just the work fool. ashamed beyond words.

Ouch.

Billi

This is so powerful, suzzie. Or at least it seems so to me--possibly because it concerns feelings I've had, written in words I might have chosen--but didn't.

"i dont know if a t can fix this.
the box is so real.
and the truth i see. so clear."

I'm not sure a T can ever "fix" anything--maybe at best help us see beyond where we have been able to see on our own, and so see new territory, new truths.

Do not give up, suzzie, and do not give up on you ever. No one can see the beauty you do without having beauty within themselves.

Roadie

suzzie....know that you are not alone...i sense that you are speaking about hope and about safety...i know about seeking these things and how daunting and fragile and precarious the notions of both are. the idea of both send panic through me. how can i trust either? both have let me down so many times before in my life. yet somehow, i go on hoping, like you said, "i can see out", but i cant get out. i dont feel that safety so i am locked inside.

in the beginning of therapy, trying to find a place of safety would send me into a place of panic. now many years later, i know my abuser cant get to me, i know i am safe. now that little bit of hope i had has the opportunity to flourish into something bigger, the chance to take hold and grow. trust has something to build upon. i used to cringe at the word hope, hated it. but now it holds a new facination for me. now it holds hope. maybe things can be different. maybe i dont have to be miserable, scared, and terrified. maybe i can be happy. maybe you can be too.

Can you not focus on this person while at work? Your focusing on her is a boundary issue. You are concerned about her judgement of you and you are trying to please her. What she thinks about you isn't your business. Can you just focus on your job and try really hard to ignore her presence?

i will try. but they keep coming over to me. to tell me what im doing wrong. and the right way. i should do it. and insist i do. even when i say the boss told me this way. how can i be so wrong all the time. everyday. ill just cooperate with them right off. then they will be happy. and go.

Maybe it is that they CAN cross your boundaries so they continue to do so.

...yeah

but what kind of boundaries would you have for this. i dont want to make anyone mad.

Don't listen to them and try to stay away from them and ignore them. When you do what they say it encourages them to continue.

What will happen if you make someone mad?

i dont know. i try avoid it. it wouldnt be good. probably yell at me. and hate me. and want to hurt me somehow. and it would become my fault. and not theirs.

on july 5th. it will be 3 months on the waitlist. they said 3-4 months.

(no t = mental anguish stirred, trapped and constant)

With healing you can learn that you can withstand someone yelling at you, disliking you and that you can protect yourself and that you don't take the fault for everything.

The waiting is almost over then!!

thank you everyone!!! for allowing me this thread.

yes! they called today. i got an appointment on wed.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope is a state of mind. It involves more than just wishing for something. If you draw a breath there's hope you'll draw another one, and on and on. That's how it worded for me for awhile. I finally got some relief at the tender age of 56, by working with a great clinician for about a year. I worked hard at it because I was desperate. Most of my days are ok now. That doesn't mean they are always great. Ok is also a state of mind. It is OK to hope. Because as long as you are drawing a breath, there is hope you will draw another. And that usually beats the alternative. There is Hope. Even if it's only a little today. Hang in there.