is there any hope..

Can you contact your T again and tell her that you are struggling?

emailed her. but was hard to do.

shame is very hard to let go of...

but you will let go of it once you speak out for the whole world to hear that you are not ashamed for something you didnt do. you are not sorry for the person who did it and you owe nothing to anyone except yourself.

You will free yourself once you just know, it did not take anything from you, it was an event. and talk about it proudly. you survived and you are strong!!

Good work Suzzie.

this was her reply..

~~~ Hello suzzie. Perhaps your connection to friends and like minded people will be through the writing and readings of poetry. ... it draws an interested, quiet small group of people that you could find quite enjoyable.
See you Monday, hope you have a good week-end.~~~~

im scared of socializing. havent in years. havent barely ever. i cant even look at her or other people. i dont talk. im so uncomfortable around people. doesnt matter if its one person, a few, or lots.

poetry wont make them like me.

why would she suggest something that isnt possible. like its so simple. all i have to do. is join a club or something, last thing on earth i would do.


im afraid of people. im not good enough for them. never will be.

i give up of ever being heard/understood

hey Suzzie,

Don't give up, OK? I think I was a lot like you a few years ago and I got better. I didn't go out, I didn't make eye contact, I didn't talk. I 'gave up' and tried again a gazillion times before it got better. So you can get better even if it doesn't seem like it!

I know that you don't believe this right now but you really are good enough for other people. You aren't bad or unworthy or boring or unlovable. You're just scared and that totally makes sense because your abuser made you think that other people are not safe and that you are not good enough. But it's not true!

I know this is a scary suggestion, but are there support groups for child abuse survivors or people with social anxiety near you? That might be a place you can go to for "real life" support if you want to. Those are people who will understand why you feel this way and who you don't have to hide it from.

Keep posting until Monday when you need to.

i apologize to anyone who read this.

Hope is everywhere, and you will find it, it is around you, to find it believe in yourself

just want a way to not have to think or feel. an escape.

ducky wish that could be true.

Suzzie, this T doesn't know you yet. This will be your job, to communicate yourself to her so that she understands you.

im not good at communicating. always been told not to talk. unless its good. is showing up of any value. hope i dont waste her time.

i think tomorrows session is going to make the waiting harder. ive gotten used to waiting. and dealing with it alone.

The more you see her the closer you will get to learning how to communicate with her. You have to start somewhere. Good luck with your appt. tomorrow.

went to t. and it was really a good thing. she tried to help me enough to keep waiting for wait list call. as no new appointment was made. she talked about the poem. and about putting the stuff in a locked chest. and letting it sink to the bottom of the ocean. and locking a part of myself in with it. and how i could have the other part of me be able to come to the surface. and breathing. i was literally having trouble breathing in session. and she asked if i could add to the poem about finding hope. i wrote this:

drowning fast: part 2

though deep within
a strength can be found
for a separation to be
from the plunging fall
so that only part of me
will sink down below
still locked in its grip
and take along with it
the things bad and dark
and hopelessness too
keeping all securely locked
and buried from sight
while lightening the weight
to allow some of me
to rise to the surface
free from the echoes
hidden down below
and able to breathe
and finally rest
on its calm surface

Did you 2 talk about the wait list? I'm glad that it was a good appt.

she asked at the beginning if they had called yet. i said no. its not time yet. that was it. she is a really nice t. they should call in 1 - 2 more months maybe. funny how as soon as youve had your session. you start counting the days till the next. knowing you only have to make it till then. but i cant do that. wont work. too long. im thinking maybe blocking everything out. for awhile.

i emailed t this morning. just wanted to show her that i did the poem. because she tried to do it with me in session. but i couldnt concentrate. so got nowhere. but she didnt answer. i didnt expect anything from it. just that she got it. thats all. but i dont think she will answer. it was like good bye and good luck yesterday. which is ok. just wanted her to know i did what she asked. that i tried. guess ill just have to guess she got it. and im on my own now. no t. time to stop thinking. and writing.

(((Suzzie))),

You have us to listen here you know. Many of us know how you struggle and feel, cuz we have been there as well. I am going to say some prayers for you.

(((Hugs and prayers)))
Open Eyes

The time will get here. I'm sorry that you have to wait.

maybe going to a t. is an unrealistic goal for me.

(((Suzzie))),

No it is not an unrealistic goal. I am sorry that you are not getting right into a therapy session with a T. I had to go for a couple of months until I found a therapist.
Try to be patient, I know it's hard but can you do something else to keep you busy while you are waiting? Take a cooking course or small art course somewhere, check out the local paper and see if there is some kind of small summer course you can take to get something else in your life besides your struggle.

(((hugs)))
Open Eyes

thank you open eyes!

i did have a t for 1 1/2. that i saw inconsistantly. and then saw this t a few times. and now am on a waitlist for another. i will try to adapt your idea to the computer. as i tend to keep to myself alot. and any form of socializing doesnt exist for me. except for pc. its my thinking that im having trouble with. i tend to think too much. and believe what i think. especially when i think its all so hopeless. now i have a too long a time to just think and think. not good really. i need to find a way to stop thinking about stuff.

wish i had a t. sometimes just knowing you have one. and will see them soon is enough to hang on. but with no t in sight. what is there to hold. you just keep falling. and no where to land.

((Suzzie))),

You can always share with us you know we can listen. Other than not having a T right now is there something that is bringing you down the most? Something you need to just talk about? We are not therapists but many of us are working on CSA in therapy and we can share what we are learning.

Don't be all alone with this.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes