[Jest29]

Well, hello... my name is Jess. I am a victim of domestic violence. My husband, he no longer physically abuses me, but as you know words can hurt just as much, if not more than physical abuse. Well, the other morning, he got mad at me because the first morning out of the first two weeks he has been back to work, he had to get up and iron the boy's clothes, and get them ready for school. We had an argument because of that and he threw my phone. He hit me when I was pregnant with ALL of my kids that I have by him. Tonight, before he left for work, I was going to borrow his foodstamp card to go ahead and get me a sandwich from the store. But, because the children had messed with my shoes and I couldn't find them in the house at all, and I started cussing and getting upset, and as a result woke him up out of his sleep, he got angry at me and made himself late for work on purpose just so he could go and make his parents pissed off at me, and like... it has always been like this. I figured if we got married (8 years ago) that everything would be ok. Basically, the way our marriage is, is that... he dictates to me what he wants me to do for him, I do for the kids, and I had my own money he would take it, he doesn't discipline the children AT ALL, and when I tell him about it, or someone else tells him about it, he defends them even though they are wrong. I had him arrested in 2007 for domestic violence, and as if he didn't get the family to hate me enough already, when that happened, the whole family absolutely despises me because he has a record, but he did it to himself. EVERYTHING that goes wrong, especially when HE is at fault, he blames me. Well, I recently became addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs. I applied for public assistance to help me with housing until I get back on my feet, and I went to an agency and I told them about my drug use, I went to detox. I was alright, but tonight... when he started screaming at me telling me he wants me to leave, and then when I go upstairs, I hear my boys talking about me like they hate me, and then I hear my husband tell our oldest son, "Don't get married".... It's like he is literally turning our kids against me too.... I wanted to go back tonight to using so badly, but I had no money.. all I have is some juice and a bottle of pills. I want to take all of them all at once. But I know that's not the answer.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I know you have no resources, but why stay with him? There are shelters. Do you have family nearby where you could stay? Is there a friend who could take you in?

Since you're obviously very unhappy and he IS very abusive, get out of this nightmare! You don't HAVE to stay! Take the kids and get out. Go to social services and get some help. There IS help available for women with kids, who have no money! Take advantage of it, and get out! And if you need to, get a restraining order on this man. It sounds like you need one! God bless and please take care. Let us know what happens. Hugs, Lee

[ScaryFrita]

Ditto Leed -- it doesn't sound like this situation could ever get better. I'm sorry you're in it to begin with!! YOU should be in control of your own life, no matter who's involved in it. I've talked to people in similar circumstances before, and I realize it's a hard step to take, especially when kids are involved ... but it sounds like a necessary one.

Abuse is abuse. It doesn't have to be physical to have any kind of effect. I know it took me a long time to realize that.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry that you are stuck in this abusive situation. But what you are discribing is not good for your children to grow up in. They have no way of understanding what is taking place and it is unfair for both your husband and you to include them in the disfuction of your marriage.

Look, as far as children are concerned they often choose to side with the one that has the most potential to strike out. A part them is siding with your husband due to fear of his power that they sense in this disfuction. It really isn't fair to them for you to get angry at them because "they are children and have no life skills or knowlege to understand what is taking place in your home". Under your own disfuction your children are getting imprinted with the understanding that this environment is acceptable and they are learning how to think that family life means what you and your husband are doing. So what you and your husband are really doing is setting the motion for them to also be disfunctional parents.

So, you should consider "not escaping through drugs and alcohol" and taking the steps to dismantle the disfunction you and your children are experiencing by you staying with this abusive man. And what your children will learn is that when they are involved or victims of abuse, they have the right to walk away verses stay and keep dealing with abuse.

Something to think about.
Open Eyes

[nicoleflynn]

I lived that way for 31 years and then found the book which saved my life: The Verballly Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. He isn't going to change, and every day he is teaching your children disrespect and anger. You must save them and yourself. THere are so many resources out there. Call an abuse hotline (google domestic violence), call a shelter, hospital; keep on writing here. Your children are counting on you to get them out of this violent situation.

[nicoleflynn]

Your children are angry because they have no power to get themselves free of abuse, so you must do that Abusers are angry at issues they have never dealt with. It has nothing to do with you, although it is ALL directed at you.

They are like vampires and need their "fix" their fix is constantly blaming you (or others) so you will constantly defend yourself. He can't argue with you if you stop responding and I know how hard that is.

Abusers never take responsibility for their behavior; they are narcissists and stop maturing at about age 12-13, so you are literally dealing with a child.

No, killing yourself is no the answer. Take action; when we are in limbo, that is the worst place to be.