[geez]

I had a rather painful session today of therapy. It was extremely hard to be/feel vulnerable in front of T. I could barely talk and when I first sat down all I could do was look at her and manage to get the words out that "its hard to talk right now".

So much mistreatment and abuse in my past and it's so hard to break the thoughts and feelings about myself that are tied to the experienced abuse.

Feeling a little more trusting and safe with my new T. That feels good for now. One small step leads to another.

[Open Eyes]

(((geez))),

I am glad to hear you opened up a little. Always remember as you do that not to label these memories with any guilt. And also to know that when things happened in your past, you were not at the same maturity level you are at now. Your goal is to sort through anything that may have held you back and that you didn't get validated for your struggle. Your goal is to come away from this work with a stronger more secure sense of yourself.

I have mentioned before that for me, it was easier to discuss the topic and include myself as someone who did experience troubling things when I was at ages where I really had no way of having the capacity to deal with it all. And by doing that I learned not just how I reacted but also how most victims react to certain things they experience. We are only human and we CAN repair and be stronger in the now, inspite of our pasts.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[geez]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((geez))),

I am glad to hear you opened up a little. Always remember as you do that not to label these memories with any guilt. And also to know that when things happened in your past, you were not at the same maturity level you are at now. Your goal is to sort through anything that may have held you back and that you didn't get validated for your struggle. Your goal is to come away from this work with a stronger more secure sense of yourself.

I have mentioned before that for me, it was easier to discuss the topic and include myself as someone who did experience troubling things when I was at ages where I really had no way of having the capacity to deal with it all. And by doing that I learned not just how I reacted but also how most victims react to certain things they experience. We are only human and we CAN repair and be stronger in the now, inspite of our pasts.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Open thank you for the reminder. All of what you said sums up what my T said to me about how I did everything I could with what I had... always searching for a way out of the abuse, always finding a way to survive. Trying new behaviors or strategies to make it stop. My T did tell me to try and not hold that part of myself accountable and to think about what would I do if someone abused my child/children? Would I expect my children to be able to just 'deal with it' if someone hurt them? NO!

T said that even though I had such a difficult life as a child something inside me kept fighting for something more and she sees that in me that is what has gotten me to this point in my life today. I'm married to a supportive and loving husband, I don't abuse my children and show them love. I have aquaintances and I'm social to some degree IRL. I don't partake in drugs or alcohol for coping (got that out of my system thankfully years ago). And I have goals. It's weird there are many times when self doubt and negative thoughts hold me back from something and then something inside me so NO I need and want more and then I make a goal (something that started when I was seeing first T).

I hold onto my shame/feelings about myself even though intellectually it makes no sense. I need to separate that part of myself out of the equation. I'm holding onto so much shame even though I know it doesn't really belong to me. What will I be?

[Open Eyes]

"I hold onto my shame/feelings about myself even though intellectually it makes no sense. I need to separate that part of myself out of the equation. I'm holding onto so much shame even though I know it doesn't really belong to me. What will I be?" quote~geez

This is something a lot of people do in general geez. For a person who has been abused or taken advantage of in some way, there can be a sense of guilt that they had allowed it to happen somehow. Or just an overall inner shame that the person might not be good enough or is ruined somehow.

I have been working on this myself in therapy geez as I mentioned. And it really takes time to work through it all. And yes, all victims tend to feel a need to hide it somehow and do whatever they can to avoid it and block it off so that person can just keep going.

For me, well I didn't really realize that my past shaped me in a way that kept me from not even trusting myself at times and holding back in ways I didn't realize I was holding back. I realized that there has always been a part of me that was very vulnerable and I kind of thought I had it stashed in a corner of my mind and locked away. And what I am doing now is facing that stash and working on actually recognizing how it shaped me into feeling like I had to be on the defensive all the time and that that is the way I had to live my life.

In my last therapy session I told my therapist that when I do think about my past I get really confused. I see the way I have handled it and protected myself and because of that, I am more aware of how I can still do that. So for me I get really confused because I feel like my methods of dealing were not as good as I thought because though I did deal, I also surpressed a lot.

My therapist told me that what I am feeling is very normal as well. And the whole idea behind this part of my therapy is to go over how I dealt before and to fashion a new way of dealing that helps me learn to also know how to not continue to feel I need to surpress so much. And in this stage of therapy I am learning how to re-integrate and re-establish in a healthier way. It does take time to do this and everyone is different in how much time this takes them.

The other important thing to remember is that we all stash things from our past that we didn't quite know how to handle at the time. And that doesn't mean we need to keep feeling that we actually failed. It is important to remind ourselves that we can still learn in spite of whatever we experienced that we didn't really know how to address at the time.

When you talked about not knowing if you were even going to even want the life you have been involved in anymore or if the people around you were going to even agree with who you are now going to become? Yes, I hear you, I feel the same way. And I also feel that the people around me are just not going to understand it when I no longer want to be that person who just lived my life around "them". There were so many times in my past where I "just" went with the flow. And now I can't do that anymore.

Right now I feel like I am in a cacoon where I am only part here. And while I am in this cacoon I am changing and I am not really sure yet what is going to finally break out of that cacoon. Maybe you can relate to that as well.

Open Eyes

[geez]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There were so many times in my past where I "just" went with the flow. And now I can't do that anymore.

Right now I feel like I am in a cacoon where I am only part here. And while I am in this cacoon I am changing and I am not really sure yet what is going to finally break out of that cacoon. Maybe you can relate to that as well.

Open Eyes

I can totally relate to what your wrote. I feel like we are in the same 'place'.

[Open Eyes]

(((geez))),

I think we are in the same place too. When I am with my therapist and he tells me that I will learn to re-establish myself, I can't truely see it yet and I still feel lost.
I do see that I have gained a lot of ground, but I have not yet gotten to a point where I am at peace with myself yet. I am the most uncomfortable around my family whom I feel is just waiting for me to go back to the me that I am not going to be anymore. And sometimes I can get snappy when I am in an interaction with my husband where he treats me like he used to and I allowed it to happen. I can't tune things out like I used to, now they bother me and I get angry.

I find it frustrating because I DO see the good parts about my husband too. But I just don't want to go back to the way I somehow allowed him to have a certain amount of control over me.

And I know he gets frustrated and he feels like he is walking on eggshells around me.
I don't quite know how to explain to him that I am just becoming more aware of the way I tuned so much out before and I am just not sure where to put this new awareness that I have. And he doesn't even have to say anything because his body language says it even though he is trying not to pressure me.

What I have recognized is that I am more at ease with strangers because they don't have the goods on how I was, so I don't feel that pressure of being expected to just be that me that wasn't healthy for me in some way. I don't want to be expected to be that person anymore. Do I know who I am going to be yet? No not really, because I am still looking at the unheathy parts of me I wasn't consciously aware of.
And I do get angry when my husband treats me like the old me that I can't be anymore and I can't seem to accurately explain it to him either. I don't want to hurt him because he didn't understand how the old me was really due to my past and how I somehow adapted in ways that I just avoided, or shut things out. I cannot shut things out anymore like I used to. And, I have not learned to have a comfortable bearing on this new awareness that I have. It is just too hard to put into words right now.

Just know geez that not all the ways you adapted were bad. You will be surprised that some of how you managed your life was healthy and that you can still utilize these parts and build on them. So you will not be a total stranger to yourself. The uncomfortable part is slowly exposing that vulnerable part in a way where you wont feel completely vulnerable.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Oh, geez, your question hit a nerve in me, didn't mean to make your question about me. I think that the bottom line is that I do agree in how we are in such a similar place. I have put my own situation out there so you can really see that you are not alone and that where we are in common is what place we are in our healing process.

Open Eyes

[geez]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh, geez, your question hit a nerve in me, didn't mean to make your question about me. I think that the bottom line is that I do agree in how we are in such a similar place. I have put my own situation out there so you can really see that you are not alone and that where we are in common is what place we are in our healing process.

Open Eyes

I don't view your post on the thread as you making things about yourself.

I may start threads and I'm happy to help anyone who is reading it. If it helps someone/anyone/you learn more about yourself and write out what's on your mind then that's good.

That is the point of PC anyways - right?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by geez

I hold onto my shame/feelings about myself even though intellectually it makes no sense. I need to separate that part of myself out of the equation. I'm holding onto so much shame even though I know it doesn't really belong to me. What will I be?

You can't separate that out, you need to accept that you have it then you will be able to deal with it.

Good work in therapy!