[FacingChains]

HI Everyone.
I am so sick of this. My poor boyfriend. He was sound asleep next to me, doing nothing wrong and i found myself leaning over him ,screaming at him, "You know what? You are going to get yourself f*****g killed if you dont knock that off!" I was right in his face. I was responding to some girls in my dream that were making fun of me, calling me names and they said it was okay that they did it (called me names)because they 'knew my mother did it to me all the time' (whatever...dreams are weird.... and yes she was very very verbally abusive)...

.Ive been screaming in my sleep since I was a child, never remembered those dreams, just bloody screaming,3-30 now I am cursing like a sailor as an older adult and starting to remember them more....sometimes my bf lately goes and sleeps on the couch...and it is very awful when I do it when i go to friends' homes and stay overnight and my friend tells me that she thought someone was killing me or most recently when I stayed at a hotel with a friend and I woke up with a hand over my mouth b/c they thought the police we going to come because i was screaming like someone was trying to kill me, and I thought THEY were trying to smother me!
I guess some of you might say take sleeping pills. I have a new doc and he has diagnosed me with PTSD. I am in my early 40s now and I do not like this new cursing, violent sounding stuff....the screaming I could better tolerate, at least it wasnt so offensive and I never remembered it. My bf said I recently have been using a different weird voice too that he has never heard before, he taped me one night and it was so creepy I said, " Don't f*****g kill me, I 'm not ready to die." WHAT is THAT? creepy is what it is. Just for the record, I DO NOT swear on a regular basis. It is not like me to be throwing the f bomb around or talking in a low, little girl voice....wierd. HELP! I am not having him tape me anymore because it is too upsetting but I am bringing it in too my P-doc at my next appt. Is this repressed anger? I also have "illusions" where words change and stuff to scary stuff like rope could change to rape in a newspaper or harness to harass, weird s**t like that, I have a lot of anxiety, sometimes moving shadows can take on shapes, like when I lived in NYC I saw a lot of rats that werent there, it might just be a paper bag blowing by or a shadow might look like a meat carcass hanging near a wall....really gross stuff...right now that stuff is pretty much under control, just giving you an idea of the depth of the horrors of my mind and that this creepy voice and these violent threats may just be par for the mentally ill course of my craziness and I might just need to accept it??? or is it anger?? I donot have hallucinations....nothing happens, no voices, or images that are real..I mean I know they are clearly not...they just spook me and cause anxiety and torture me. Well, if anyone has any thoughts, it would help. Thank you forlistening Facing Chains

[geez]

I can't say what you 'have' but you are clearly in distress and need help pronto! Do you have a therapist? I do think bringing a recording to the Dr. would be good and also would it be helpful if your boyfriend came along to voice what he's been witnessing?

For me it took removing myself from as many forms of violence and chaos in my daily life as possible ... And, replacing it with as much peace, quiet and calm as I can ...

I refuse to involve myself in situations that create unnecessary sources of stress, trauma and violence ...

This includes watching, reading or listening to horror movies and crime novels or tv shows that depicted such ...

Including "talk" radio ... One of the worst "unnecessary" sources of trauma and stress unknown to be known ...

After those layers of goop are gone, you and your therapist can start getting to work on what's going on inside you from any past traumatic life events that you've yet to resolve ...

I rarely have nightmares or night terrors anymore, but when I do, all I have to do is examine what's going on in my life at the time ... From the situations I'm involving myself with to what I'm reading or watching or listening too ... It doesn't take long to figure out the source and quickly remedy it ...

It's not gonna be easy, but trust me in the long run it'll be more than well worth it ...

,
Pfrog

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

For me it took removing myself from as many forms of violence and chaos in my daily life as possible ... And, replacing it with as much peace, quiet and calm as I can ...

I refuse to involve myself in situations that create unnecessary sources of stress, trauma and violence ...

This includes watching, reading or listening to horror movies and crime novels or tv shows that depicted such ...

Including "talk" radio ... One of the worst "unnecessary" sources of trauma and stress unknown to be known ...

After those layers of goop are gone, you and your therapist can start getting to work on what's going on inside you from any past traumatic life events that you've yet to resolve ...

I rarely have nightmares or night terrors anymore, but when I do, all I have to do is examine what's going on in my life at the time ... From the situations I'm involving myself with to what I'm reading or watching or listening too ... It doesn't take long to figure out the source and quickly remedy it ...

It's not gonna be easy, but trust me in the long run it'll be more than well worth it ...

,
Pfrog

(((TY)))) You just gave me such wonderful advice!!!!!!! I never thought of those things as triggers. I watched a horrible movie last night on child abduction and other awful stuff, duh. I sometimes think maybe if i watch that stuff maybe I can master my feelings somehow, never thought to 100% stay away from ALL of it...I am going to do that from now on.....Ive stopped communicating with my family and that has thrown me for a loop, as Ive never been away from them for so long, so Im working with my T on that...thanks for not thinking Im a a freak. I almost feel like...what will I do with myself if there is no chaos and madness in my life? if i remove it all? what will happen? I know it will be much better for me socially, less embarrassing and less upsetting to me about scaring my friend and boyfriend at nightwith these strange goings on..... anyway..Thank you. -Chains

[unaluna]

oh wow. yeah, I asked my mother 3 years ago to leave me alone. I explained to my brother (he's a T) that I get nightmares and heart palpitations, anxiety attacks. I see my t 3 days a week. still she calls me, or gets other relatives to call every couple of months, at least. after a call, I will have nightmares for a week. working thru this with T, building a safe r/s there, I think is the only solution. i'm hoping it is!

Originally Posted by FacingChains

(((TY)))) You just gave me such wonderful advice!!!!!!! I never thought of those things as triggers. I watched a horrible movie last night on child abduction and other awful stuff, duh. I sometimes think maybe if i watch that stuff maybe I can master my feelings somehow, never thought to 100% stay away from ALL of it...I am going to do that from now on.....Ive stopped communicating with my family and that has thrown me for a loop, as Ive never been away from them for so long, so Im working with my T on that...thanks for not thinking Im a a freak. I almost feel like...what will I do with myself if there is no chaos and madness in my life? if i remove it all? what will happen? I know it will be much better for me socially, less embarrassing and less upsetting to me about scaring my friend and boyfriend at nightwith these strange goings on..... anyway..Thank you. -Chains

You're more than welcome, FacingChains ... ... We aren't freaks, we've just lived through some freaky stuff ... As soon as we are able to process and resolve what it did to us, it does get better ... Wishing you all the best ...

,
Pfrog

ps. If it helps ... Many of us had to kick our families to the curb because they were too toxic to continue having relationships with ... That doesn't make you or me or anybody else a freak either ... We're just people who are trying to get healthy and be sane ... Keep working with your T on this too ... It's been 19 years for me and every year it gets better and better ...

[shezbut]

I agree with Pfrog wholeheartedly ~ I don't think that I could put it any better!

Just wanted you to know that I understand. I've been there too & I also have to avoid news, dramas, talk radio, etc. as well. It's much too stressful for me to handle. It's not worth the horrible nightmares either.

I've also had to step back from my family to gain a better sense of sanity. I last saw my mom about a month ago ~ while I was in the hospital, watching my brain activity. The night that she left until about a week later, I kept waking up to horrible nightmares as I was shouting and making striking movements, to protect myself. Family just is not worth that high stress and chaos in life.

Wish you the very best!

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I agree with Pfrog wholeheartedly ~ I don't think that I could put it any better!

Just wanted you to know that I understand. I've been there too & I also have to avoid news, dramas, talk radio, etc. as well. It's much too stressful for me to handle. It's not worth the horrible nightmares either.

I've also had to step back from my family to gain a better sense of sanity. I last saw my mom about a month ago ~ while I was in the hospital, watching my brain activity. The night that she left until about a week later, I kept waking up to horrible nightmares as I was shouting and making striking movements, to protect myself. Family just is not worth that high stress and chaos in life.

Wish you the very best!

AS always Shez, Thank you for the advice..it is good to know I am not the only one striking out in my sleep and yelling!!!! I really feel like a big ol' nut and very alone in my antics....I know of no one else that acts out in this way and have been struggling alone with this and have been teased about it by my family and friends for my whole life (yes my family teased me for years and still does about my blood curdling screams, talk about crazy making....how is that FUNNY? quite an inappropriate response to reflect back to me at any age, isnt it???"You scream, We laugh..." no wonder Im borderline...talk about mixed messages..... )

Shez, You responses are so special to me and very awesome too! (((TY)))))) Staying away from my family has become extremely difficult as it is my mother that has caused me the most pain and I do not know what to think about my father as his abuse was secondary as he let it go on i.e. never stopped her and was always very kind otherwise, though I have a huge amount of hatred towards him for being so weak and letting her terrorize us....but I miss him...I know it is stuff to work out with T. AS I am alone pretty much , not talking to them makes meSO alone.. anyway... I can Face the Change ahead of me and the chains that bind....your correspondence is always so much appreciated. You hang in there too. I hope your weekend went well. Chains

[Sannah]

Hi FChains, yeah, talking about your feelings in therapy and what happened to you will allow this stuff to come out and then stop terrorizing you.