[Shishkeberry]

Forgive me for rambling, I'm on my phone and I can't sleep. I think I'm going to bring this stuff up in therapy on Friday, but I don't know if I'm ready to work on this yet. I know it will be emotional and painful. I just think I need to type some of this out.
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I cut my mother out of my life in April. I have background posted on another forum, but I don't know if I'm allowed to link it.
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My mother was neglectful and allowed my stepfather to abuse me. I don't really want to type it all out. I'm just feeling sad and I'm hurting because I didn't get a loving mother. I didn't get a mother that guided me and taught me how to be an adult. She didn't teach me anything. I think she loved being married more than she loved her kids. It's not fair, dammit! Where the hell was she when I was 8 and pulling out my hair in clumps? Where was she when I was cutting myself damn near daily? Why didn't she take me to the hospital when I broke my ankle? Why didn't she care when I had my suicide attempt in 2002? She visited me and brought me cigarettes, but she acted like nothing happened when I got out. WTF. I hate her. I ****ing hate her. Once I would have said that she ruined my life. I like to think that it's a sign that I have healed and matured a little because I no longer think that is true. No, she did not ruin my life because my life is not "ruined", but she did make it a hell of a lot harder.
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I don't think I am a very good mother to my son and daughter, but at least I get them help when they need it. I tell them I love them every day, multiple times a day. I don't want them to ever doubt my love for them. Why didn't my mother love me?

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I never want to speak to her again and I don't plan to, but sometimes I wish I could make her hurt like she has hurt me. My father is useless and cut off as well, but the hurt he has caused doesn't cut so deep. I feel like an orphan although both of my parents still live.

((((Shish)))) I can relate. I refuse to speak with her ever again. I feel cheated, as well. My mother was emotionally invalidating and selfish. My father would not do a thing about it (avoidant).

You are not alone. It can be very, very hard at times. I totally get that. But NOT being around her is much better than even giving a teeny bit. She is a vampire. The one thing I am so grateful for is now that I understand what happened, the type of person she is/was, I have an opportunity to understand & heal (even after being hurt so deeply).

Even though she did her best to convince me otherwise, there was NOTHING ever "wrong" or "embarrassing" about me. Someone was very kind to send me a link to the explanation of emotional invalidation and how incredibly damaging it is...things are MUCH clearer to me now and I have hope.

Best wishes to you,

R

[Shishkeberry]

She is a vampire. And one day she would have sucked the life out of my kids, too. We had it out on my porch in May when she drove two hours to show up unannounced and uninvited to my house. I didn't let out as much as I wanted to, but I brought up a lot of things. Do you know what she said? That she paid for my cell phone bill for five years and tried to be a good grandma, and that was her way of making it all up to me. And she thought I knew that! LMFAO So apparently my 18 years of hell as a child and three years after that as an adult before I moved out were worth a ****** cell phone. Not even a smart phone? WTF. Not really funny, but if I don't laugh I would cry. ****ing *****, I hope she dies in a fire.

((((Shish)))) i love your screenname btw

I understand. And I soooo hear you. It freekin s****. The good thing is that we are free to heal now xx

I have a feeling we could just go back and forth all day, every day...I am here...and I get it!

Hugs to you, R

[Shishkeberry]

Thank you, Rose. I hope this doesn't sound horrible, but it helps that someone else has been through this too. Not that I'm glad that you were abused, but my burden feels a little lighter knowing someone else knows how this feels. I just want to hug the little girls in us, those lost and lonely girls. I know I will never bring my daughter to feel that way. It is healing in a way, raising a daughter (it's different from raising my son somehow), but traumatic too.

((((Shish)))) it isnt horrible and you have a right to your feelings xx We both do. For me, the only way to feel them, though, is to be as far away as possible from her. Otherwise I can count on the second half of my life being just as miserable. No way, no how.
Hugs to you, R

[Sannah]

[Shishkeberry]

Sorry Sannah I'm using my mobile so that looks like a blank post.

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We went over some of my past in T today. Still kind of reeling over it, processing things. I wanted to stop at the bar on the way home (I walk past one on the way home after T) but I stopped at the candy store and bought some caramels instead. Cheaper and safer that way.

((((Shish))))

[Sannah]

Shish, they were hugs. Good work walking past the bar.

[Shishkeberry]

I fell asleep very early last night, nine-ish or so. My sleep was broken, plagued by nightmares about my mother and my stepfather (and a cute police officer that gave me marijuana ). It was all very strange. But this time in my dream I was an adult with my children and a cell phone so I was able to call the police. Still terrifying, however. And then in real life my daughter woke up at 6:45 am. Lame.

((((Shish)))) I have very troubling dreams, as well. Especially after sharing here where I feel supported, validated, related to. I wondered about that because I found so much understanding - finally - and I felt relieved and grateful. And then, sure enough a night or two later, I would have an upsetting, very symbolic dream about the very thing I had felt so much better about earlier. That is how deep these hurts run...the damage.

I am so sorry this happened. At first when this started happening I thought "great!!!!i just cant get away from her / them. Even in my beloved sleep!"

And then I realized, for as painful as it is, it was part of the healing process...which is actually a good thing. It seems as if you are taking a step forward

Hugs to you,
R

Ps, after i posted my embarrassing thing about my family this morning (it was eating away at me), I went back to sleep. And yep! I dreamt about my sister. Ewww. But this time, in my dream, I shouted to a group of people who were being affected and hurt by her as well who were equally confused and hurt (and had been blaming me about something I did to protect myself from her) and they all listened to me. And said to me and to each other "see! I knew it! That sister is awful, conniving and horrible."

I woke up feeling upset but then relieved....In my dream, after a million waking years, I finally had gotten through to people and no longer felt like the "bad guy". Even if it was just a dream.

You were empowered in your dream...you had the police (very symbolic....protectors for / of you

[Shishkeberry]

That was very helpful, thank you. I have more to say, but I will have to come back to this later.

[happy101]

"I never want to speak to her again and I don't plan to, but sometimes I wish I could make her hurt like she has hurt me"
Dont worry, the universe takes care of that.Ive seen enough that how no one mean has ever escaped hardship in their lives, be it loneliness, depression, whatever they deserve is given back to the,.the universe seeks retribution, we dont have to think about it or wish for it to happen.pls try to move past this.......you will be happy.(you re not alone, no way , I suffered this neglect and plight too.I too feel orpahned despite having a mother who is still alive- she lives in a nut house now, plus shes very rich.how funny, shes soooo lonely......well she made us feel that way when we were little and had no choice on how we lived.well, serves her right

[Shishkeberry]

You're right, she is reaping what she has sowed. My siblings don't like her, either. And because of the way she treated me she has also lost the chance of a relationship with her grandchildren. And they are both beautiful and amazing kids. I don't think either of my siblings are the parent type, so I'm her only chance for grandkids. She will probably die miserable and alone.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Shish your thoughts mirror my own and I applaud you for typing them out.. I told my mother about ongoing abuse and she did nothing... I have wanted to yell at her, scream at her, ask her why she abandoned me to that? to this fate? to these thoughts? and usually follow it with whats the point? she did nothing before.. she would do nothing now.

She is a microdot in my life now.. that is my choice.

*hugs to you*