Tickling * Avoiding Overstimulation

I remember being tickled and overstimulated many times during my childhood. It was quite painful. Sometimes tickling resulted in sexual abuses. I felt so powerless.

It's so tempting to tickle the tummy and hear my son laugh, especially when he has been crying a lot. I told hubby not to tickle our son until he was old enough to say stop and no. I avoid tickling him, too. Am I being paranoid?

Babies need all kinds of stimulation. Thats how they develop their likes and dislikes and so on. It is ok to tickle your baby.

Your baby already from the second he was born knew how to let you know when he was uncomfortable, upset, mad, and so on. I bet you know just from his facial expression and the type of cry when he is hungry, tired, hot cold and so on. and I bet you also know when he does not like to be held a cerain way or rocked a certain way or hates those yucky baby spinach and peas, or doesnt want to play with a certain toy and so on. These are the same clues you use when tickling your baby. He will let you know when you are getting too rough or he wants more. Just follow his clues like you do in feeding and changing bed time and so on and you will be fine.

myself . . . thank you for that excellent explanation. I just worry that he'll laugh when he is in discomfort. I did that and still do that to cope. How will I know he is laughing in pleasure versus discomfort/pain???

Children laugh when in discomfort when they have been told repeatedly not to cry,to shut up, to suck up their pain, and things like - give you something to cry for.

children don't learn to cover pain without having their pain discounted and ridiculed through emotional and or physical or sexual abuse.

You have not abused your baby so there is no reason for him to cover his pain and discomfort.

You know the different between his crys of hunger vs his laughter in eating an enjoyable meal right? same thing.

if you could not understand when he is happy versus sad you would not be able to feed him, rock him, cloth him appropiately, put him to bed and so on.

When you have a baby there is no in between area that depends on what the activity is.

Babies natually and instinctively expresses themselves the same ways each and every time no matter what the activity - they frown, cry, pout and whimper when sad and uncomfortable and gurgle, giggle and smile and laugh when happy and comfortable. and a parent naturally known the difference just from being around their child and interacting with that child.

the only time any child no matter what age covers their feelings is after they have been shown through abusive ways - hitting, being yelled at, ridiculed and humiliated - that showing their emotions is dangerious.

Since you are still uncomfortable with interacting with your baby you might want to locate parenting classes through mental health agencies and planned parenthood agencies that can help you bond and understand your baby's needs and the differences between his emotions.

I'm sorry it took me a while to respond to this post.

Thank you ((((((((myself))))) for that explanation. I was reading a book called THE AWARE BABY and it warned against tickling. I guess there is a happy middle ground between my paranoia and your suggestion. I'll try not being so worried about my hubby and I tickling our baby. I just don't see how it could hurt by not tickling him until he is old enough to talk and say no or stop. He is only 4 months old now.

I definitely have a lot of issues. I don't want to put any of them on my child. He deserves happiness.

You know I did the same thing - read books on do's and don'ts of raising children because I had been abused and so on. I ended up more confused then anything. This book said do this and the next book said aboslutely don't do that same thing. It finally came down to my childs home nursing services nurse telling me to put those books down. The books are just like any other book out there. They are only as good as the time period they are wrote in and the authors experiences. and what is and isn't appropiate for raising children changes often. For example some of the way I was raised was acceptable for the time I grew up in - no seat belts in cars, spare the rod spoil the child, you didn't go to the doctors for every ear infection, cold and so on. Now no seat belt and car seat in some areas = heafty fine and other consequesnces, hitting with an object is now considered abuse, hitting and leaving a red mark is considered abuse, ear infections the child is seen because infections cause hearing loss.

Even just the past 5-10 years standards for how to raise a child has changed which is why now parenting classes are taught - so that people don't rely on out dated material and parent with the presently acceptable parenting skills.

When I took parenting classes last summer the therapy professional teaching the class advice was that if the books copywrite was not the current year consider 95% of the information contained in that book as out dated and of no use. It is with this standard that many states are now requiring licensed day care providers to update their skills at certain intervals.

So my advise is look at the copywrites and if the book was not put out in the current year disregard it and take a parenting class that is now presently running and teaching the present day information.

Take care

ick . . . that's what i thought about books . . . but i also wonder why society keeps changing "what's best" in the do's and don'ts about parenting.

example: breastfeeding is usually the best for a baby. there are plenty books about how to do this properly which have been written many years ago. i can't believe even 50% of content in the newer books have improved upon breastfeeding practices.

aren't some things (like parenting) should not be trendy . . . instead, time-tested methods (books) are better?

i'm just considering these ideas. my hubby doesn't want me reading any parenting book because i say . . . "hubby, the book says do (or don't do) this" . . . he's sick of me saying that stuff . . . heehee.

i really appreciate your time replying to me.

(((((((((myself))))))))

Parenting changes just like every thing else by what people learn as consequenses for example better car seats for children are being made every day because someone has sued this company or that company when their childs car seat failed to keep their child safe.

As the professionals learn from generation to generation what parenting skills are helpful and what skills are harmful the standards for raising a child change.

Breatfeeding. Yea years ago it was the only way to feed a child so daughter learned from mother as she was growing up and when she grew up she taught her daughter and so on. And each parent taught daughter ways that worked for that parent that is doing the teaching. With the invention of formula more and more people did not bother to learn from their mothers how to breast feed. They no longer saw siblings being fed and so on. Now you have people wanting to breast feed and no role model mparents to teach their daughters how to do it. So the alternative was a parent who was breastfeeding wrote a book of how she did it and another parent wrote another book on how she did it and so on. So now you have all these books with all this conflicting advice.

Bottom line no matter if its about parenting, about a mental disorder, flying an airplane and so on the books aren't etched in stone. Every reader has to decide what in the books work for them and what doesn't.

Yea I can see why your husband is getting upset. Hes trying to be a dad and you are trying to be supermom with books. Next time you have an urge to say "but the book says..." leave out the words "the book says..." and say "I wonder what would happen if we did it this way what do you think?" That leave room for you to explore the book ideas to see if they work for you and also leaves room for his input too.

I can tell you from coming from a big family that the first born child gets the whammys of mom and pop trying to be supermoms and superpops of books. The second child gets a mixture of super mom and superpops and the knowlege of experience of what a real child is like vs what has been read about and the third child the parents have it down to a tee and throw out the books, sees each child as an individual and looks back on raising the first two and says gosh how could I have done that to my child just because a stupid book told me to.

Book learning is fine but you need to leave the door open children are not textbooks. Take my child. My house was babyproof perfect..... at 1yr he fed my vcr a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich his logic it was hungry the mouth was open.first set of stitches was from him throwing himself during a temper tantrum. books say walk away from a child throwing a temper tantrum. second set of stitches my child age 2 running in to the kitchen fell and put his tooth through his lip. third set of stitches 4 yr playing on jungle jim in head start bit his tongue. 5yrs sprained ankle jumping off a rock outside playing with his friends. some books say have the baby sleep with you until they are 2 years old, other books say dont let the child fall asleep in your bed. Some books say rocking the baby is good, other books say rocking the baby is bad because they don't learn to self sooth self nurture. My child well he slept in his own bed to start with and ended up climbing into my bed during the night until he was 5 and then he tried to pick up the habit again at age 8 at which point I put a lock on my door LOL. Sometime I rocked him, sometimes he got rocked by his baby swin and sometimes he just had to cry it out cause sometimes babys just need to cry and no amount of rocking is going to stop the crying.

Nothing I read in all those books prepared me for my child in any way shape or form. LOL

Being a first time mom is scarey but you will be ok I promise. try some rela live parenting classes. Some around her have you bring your children so that you can actually practice what they are teaching you during the classes. I have gone through parenting classes twice and each time it was different and each time I learned so many new things for my son and I to do together.

Hang in there.

okay, you convinced me about books! your breastfeeding example was perfect! yep, my hubby would say "honey, newborns don't read books!" i love your stories about your kids.

i wonder what books the parenting classes faciliators read. heehee. i get your point. it's more about application than words.

Thanks again! (((((((myself)))))))

Thank you and I just love all your little pictures. they are fantastic.

Just wanted to add that one book, website and information that has helped me on and off is -

Becoming the parent you want to be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. Yes this Laura Davis is the same author of The courage to Heal Workbook and textbook among others. In becoming a parent she talks about her experiences with raising her children and learning to be the best parent she could be for them.

http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/hp.html