People not taking my situation seriously, not really treating it like I was abused

About 4 or 5 years ago I shared an apartment with someone emotionally abusive. It started simple, him wanting control over details of the apartment at unreasonable levels; got worse, where controlling the heat of the apartment turned into how everything had to be his way, all communication towards other people in the apartment went through me actively manipulating me at the same time; got worse, to him actively doing whatever he could to convince me that I had no skills in things like math (I was a math major in college at the time and math is a special interest (I'm autistic)) and was absolutely completely worthless at this.

Everything was about him wanting control of every last detail in the apartment and instead of doing anything with any other person in order to control them, he manipulated them through me by manipulating me and hurting me. The others didn't notice what was going on at the time, because he was only communicating through me, acting scared of them, because he knew he had no ability to get what he wanted if he manipulated them directly. After about 8 months of this my boyfriend realized what was going on and kicked him out of the apartment and we ended up monetarily down a lot less than we could have been.

However, where I am now, is that because it was a non-romantic situation, where nothing physical or sexual happened, a lot of people treat it like this couldn't have been abusive. Every list of signs of emotional abuse, the situation matches. But people treat it like emotional abuse either doesn't matter or can't occur outside of romantic relationships.

I've done a lot of healing since then, but it has affected me and still does. I have trust issues. I have issues opening up to people. My depression developed right in response time-wise.

But...not taken seriously Just "bad situation" not "abusive", no matter how much it fits the description of emotional abuse.

I'm sorry that people do not see the abuse that affected you It is most definitely abuse if he was that controlling of you. Abuse can happen in any situation. Unfortunately emotional abuse is usually the one that is questioned. A lot of people don't believe it exists.

I am sorry that you had to go through that - the abuse itself and the naive people who refuse to believe it. I really hope you can continue to heal No-one should have to deal with this.

I've gotten through most of the first level healing. I'm at second and third level now.

I'm really prone to being hurt by people if I had trusted them - to the point of things others get over and are friends still I over a year later can't be in the same room without breaking down in some manner.

I'm having a really hard time opening up to people and trusting them, even having issues talking to my therapist about some stuff (not this actually -this I can talk to her about). Some stuff I can only talk about anonymously online or with my boyfriend currently, but can at least do that, which is better than I was a year ago. Then I could only talk to my boyfriend about it.

It hurts. And people make you feel ashamed to call it abuse. It IS abuse. But they dont see it that way. A boyfriend can touch you even if you say NO and if your scared to stop him when he is doing it.. then you allowed it. Its not abuse.
Your parents can be so emotionally and verbally abusive that you run razors through your skin and its not abuse.

And that hurts even more. And I am so sorry you have to go through this. It IS abuse. I really suggest counseling. They will see the emotional toll and situation and agree with you... not like other stupid people. And they can probably help.

Silent_Tears_17

question... could you please explain more about what level of healing you are at?

the reason Im asking is because here in America we dont treat mental disorders as level one, two three...levels of healing. here treatment providers believe everyone heals from abuse at different paces but the paces done have names like levels.

example I got through being embarrassed over what happened to me as a child, then as an adult at times I would become embarrassed again that it happened then I was fine then embarrassment again. the symptom of flashbacks goes away with me then comes back, goes away then comes back.

Another person I know that was abused in childhood got through her symptoms and they never came back.

another person with abuse related symptoms that I work with her symptoms are long lasting with no breaks from them....yet.

each of us go through healing at different paces and heals from our individual symptoms in different ways too..

example what helps me is physical activities, the second person listed above paints, journals and the last one medication helps her.

even though we go through our healing journeys in different paces and different ways that work, here they are not called "levels".

so I was wondering what you meant by you have healed at level one and was at levels two and three.

I know its hard that others around you may not feel what you went through was abuse. there are many people in this world who have gone through abuse and are not believed or they shrug if off when someone tells them they were abused.

Sometimes too things are not called abuse even though you feel like it because of the laws. Some places have different standards, laws and rules for what is called abuse and what isnt,

example here where I live and work in NY, USA walking up to someone and giving them a hug with out asking first can sometimes be called Assault and molestation. where as in France it is common place and not called assault when someone walks up to someone they know and with out permission gives them a hug.

my suggestion talk with your therapist they can help you understand why what happened to you is or inst called abuse in your location. and my opinion is it really doesnt matter whether ***other people*** believe you were abused or not. what matters is whether ****you *** feel like you have been abused and how you deal with it. keep working with your therapist and things will get better.

I am seeing a therapist - for this and a lot of other reasons. This was what forced us to get my Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis on paper rather than informal from professionals so I could get a counselor who knew about them, because I'd crashed so hard after this, but I'd gone through multiple counselors leaving appointments sobbing and getting worse overall because they didn't know how to deal with me. But I have a good therapist now and my trust issues have been one thing we've been focusing on even. I had one appointment recently where I opened up an told her all of the details about this instead of some, and that was really hard, but I managed to get through it.

Thats really good. Opening up is really hard. I surely am not ready yet. I hope things keep getting better.

It is definitely hard to open up but I'm glad you have found a therapist that works for you and that you can start to trust.

I hope that you make some progress on this with your T. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

Emotional abuse DOES hurt, and many times depending on the situation, can last longer than physical abuse.

My ex husband abused me to the point that I had absolutely NO self-esteem and was contemplating suicide. I won't go into the names he'd call me, but suffice it to say that they were pretty awful, plus he'd call me stupid, idiot, etc. This went on for 26 years. I stayed that long for the "sake of my children" which I realize now was a mistake.

I've also had years of therapy (most of my adult life) to deal with this among other issues ~ it's taken that long to "undo" what was done.

So emotional abuse CAN be very serious and shouldn't be pushed aside.

Get some help for it if it's bothering you. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

What I mean by "through level one" is that I've managed to admit that none of what happened in that situation was my fault.

However, trust issues (unless it was someone I trusted deeply before it happened), really hard to open up to people, depression (I'm pretty sure this triggered dysthymia which is what brought me to these forums).