Forgiving your abuser

It does not sound like the abuse is over so I would not think about forgiving the abuser yet. Forgiveness is about having the time and distance and to look back and see a bit more of the dynamics than one can when one is living through them.

Sometimes when I get to feeling like giving up or like everything is wrong or stacked against me, I "start over". I just clear my head and heart and everything and begin as if what came before is all messed up (and it usually is) and like the cat has gotten into the yarn and I just put that mess of yarn aside for a moment and start with a fresh one.

Tell your therapist and counselor/teachers you are having a tough time of it and are feeling confused and don't know what to do next and can they help you by giving you some ideas of where to go from where you are now. See if they have anything useful :-) to say or ways to help and try one or two as best you can. If nothing else, you can re-evaluate your helpers and see if you can't rank them as to which are most likely to be helpful versus those that don't have anything to say that you can or want to hear.

Keep away from the abuser as best you can and come up with a plan to help you with his other, sly tricks for the next couple years until you can get away from home. Dream and plan how and when and why to get away from home, school or work or whatever you want for the next part of your life.

Glad you reported it.
In my opinion, forgiveness is for YOU not him .. its a way of letting go of that dam anger etc.
Just remember tho that forgiveness is not forgeting what was done. It can/will be a good way of freeing yourself to go on in life feeling so much better.
How do I know? After decades I can say I reached it.
I hope you can too.

I wonder what should a good therapist be like?

Kitty, I have had a person project their past bad experiences onto me. I volunteer a lot and try to help others whenever I can and this person projected some bad motives and actions onto me. I couldn't believe it. I'm thinking that you might be projecting stuff onto people too?

I am sorry i don't get you.

Sannah, are you saying that you think i have something to gain from telling and sharing here?

No, not at all! What I'm saying is that sometimes when a person has been mistreated a lot they get used to people being bad like that and they interpret what others do as also being bad when it might not be. There is so much room for misinterpretation in all interactions (for everyone). I hope I'm making sense.

Ok i finally understood what you mean. I am sorry for wrongly accusing you.

I do think that ppl are trying to harm me. I fear that i have schizophrenia

See it was a misunderstanding. It is so common to misunderstand someone. I think that most conversations need many back and forth clarifications in order for there to be no misunderstandings. And this could be exactly what is going on with these other people in your life who could be helping you.

Your experiences have been where people have harmed you. Why wouldn't you think that people are harmful? I think that this is a pretty natural thought. But this can be worked with because there are people out there who are not going to hurt you and those are the ones that you need to identify and allow to help you.

I talked to my pastor and
he said what I have known.
forgive your abuser, but that does not mean that the punishment
and justice is not done. I t does not mean that the person is pardoned.
before god and the law.
Accept that 'law and justice needs still be done.

forgiveness. and i have having a horrible fitch of a time doing that.
S keep at it, I am told it works.

I don't mean to offend any Christians reading but I find it infuriating when people preach forgiveness. The actual quote was: "If he repents, forgive him." I don't think you have to forgive if it's not going to help you.

I have often thought that God (and forgiveness) is something abusers invented.

It keeps them (the abusers) from taking any responsibility for their criminal behavior while inflicting further harm on the victim by making them feel guilt and shame for not pardoning the unpardonable.

With that being said, I don't feel it is necessary to forgive ... I think that simply coming to a point of acceptance (about what was done and the impact it had) and doing our best to heal and move forward (no matter how long it takes) works just as well - if not better.

My dad has sexually assaulted me and was abusive towards my mother and I . It's not so much forgiving , it's more about accepting . I will never forget what happened, and will never forgive him for what he did.. But there comes a point where you realize that the more you hate and grieve , you're only hurting yourself more . In the long run .. You don't have to forgive anyone .. But accepting the fact that what happened well.. Happened and there's nothing that anyone can do to take it back, or fix it , is when you can truly accept yourself and move forward. You won't ever forget what happened, but believe that you're strong enough to push through that barrier that you've had up and move on with life. In the end, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. And the stronger you are, the easier it is to move on and try to erase it out of your mind .

I agree with you two especially about acceptance. I doubt neither of my abusers will ever ask for my forgiveness or admit what they did to me, so it's up to me to find acceptance without it.

I definitely agree that acceptance matters more than forgiveness. I personally don't buy the argument that you have to forgive, or about not blaming anyone else for your problems - as if that's going to counteract shame and self-blame.

My T brought forgiveness up once, just to see what I thought about the concept. I said: "I think I've been forgiving everyone else all my life, and I don't think it's done me any good."

Yea... Same thing happens to me too... It doesn't pays to be nice?

Fortunatly, my therapist never even brought that up! But, yeah, I know a lot of Christians are quick to just say, "Oh, forgive them," but forgiveness has its place. I am a beliver, but I no longer go to church, partly because that forgiveness thing is way over-rated in the church. I see the church constantly reaching out to abusers, and rotten people who don't want to change--but the victims are ignored. We are deemed "unforgiving" if we don't act like what happened was no big deal.