[Frozen_Heart]

Today, I was watching Maury which I normally don't do but the show caught my eye because the caption read 'SA caught on tape', I was captivated. So, I was watching the show which seemed to have little to do with SA until one segment came on. Some mother had placed a video camera in her daughters room to catch a suspected SA. As the clip rolled, you could see the guy crawling across the floor and begin to creep up on the sleeping child. Talk about a flash back!! I'm so pissed off right now, mainly at myself because I have never demanded that the person in my life be held accountable for his actions. To this day, I still see the person and everyone pretends like nothing ever happened.

I feel like a child again, scared silent in my bedroom, trapped yet I realize I remain trapped to this day- sentenced to suffer in silent forever.

((((((((frozen)))))))))

i understand exactly how you are currently feeling frozen, as i experienced these feeligns myself. i haven't seen the program you said about though.

like you, i still see the person who abused me. i live with him - he is my brother. and lately, because of the stage i am at menatlly, i now feel justice needs to be served, and my dad should be made aware of the abuse my brther inflicted on me as a child.

try not to let this program bring back the fear. by allowing that you are allowing the abuser to have power over you, and we dont want that.

it is easy to let these feelings of fear we experienced as a child come back, but by feeling this way, your mind is telling you that you are finally ready to conquer this, and perhaps bring justice to the abuser. only you have this power, frozen.

i wish you all the best, from one who is in the same boat as you.

take care and stay safe. you have nothing to fear anymore

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((((((((((frozen))))))))))))))))))))))

That is exactly why I don't watch such shows unless my support network of real ttime therapy and support group members (not computer because on line support groups have a rule that when in crisis contact real time help), friends and my therapist is aware that I will be watching that show. Sometimes I record the show but not watch it, then I check in with my support network about it. That way I don't sit there and end up getting blind sided with triggers beyond my present control level.

Call a friend in real time
call your therapist
take a walk
take a bath
draw
write
listen to relaxing music
blow bubbles
play a game
squish and mold play dough and clays
clean (its amazing how much energy is used just cleaning the house)
go for a bike ride......

[Frozen_Heart]

Thanks all..... This is something I've been able to block out for a LONG time. It is truely amazing how fast it all can come back and leave you, well, for a lack of better terms 'frozen'. The images of those years past have been replaying in my head all day today. When things first happened, I did speak out but everyone sat and questioned ME! I'm more worried, I'd lose everyone else in my life and people see me as tainted or lying or perverted or.... Ugh....

Well, I don't know what I will do, but I hate being nice to him and the almost smuge attitude I pick up on when I do see him, it makes me want to vomit.

((((((Hugs back to Myself, MrB (mel), simon, and esthersvirtue)))))))

[mrb020377]

((((((((((((frozen)))))))))))))))))

it has been a while since i have opened up and told my story.. i can sense that you are really upset... I know that feeling you are talking about... that feeling like you need to run, but you cant.. you are stuck and no matter where you turn, the thoughts, the images, the feelings the sounds... they are there......

I too have those feelings from time to time.. when we are watching a show and something happens it makes me panicky.. i have to leave the room.. i even sometimes cry!
I have to be nice to the person who did the most damage to me..... he is still married to my mom.. in order to see her i have to be around him.... it makes me sick.. i want to throw up.. i want to hit him, slap him punch him scream at him.... whew!!! ( that kinda felt good)

it still amazes me how little tiny things can cause me to feel those feelings!!!!!

you said that you are afraid that you will lose everything, that people will see you as tainted or lying or perverted..... it is strange how we feel this way... when we know that it isnt true.. i used to think i was made of glass that everyone could see right through me. that they some how some way knew about my past SA.....so i know how you feel... anyway.... pm me anytime you need to ok