I made up my mind

I am no longer going to be "understanding" about my abuser's (aunt's) issues.

I was a child, I did not deserve for her to take out her issues about my mother (her sister) or their parents on me.

I was a worthy, deserving, precious, child and I deserved love and respect.

I did not learn how to respect myself because she did not.

She took me in when she did not want to. She was angry at my mother for having me. She wanted to get back at my mother, so she adopted me to show my mother what a "better person she was" than my mother.

I paid a high price for their conflict!

I did not deserve it.

I did not deserve it!

I am thru understanding her.

I already understand.

It's like someone telling a poor kid from an alcoholic home, "Daddy beats you cause he drinks." The child still did not deserve to be beaten!

I made up my mind.

Carol comes first for validation from me.

Not my aunt!

I was innocent and I did not deserve it.

Carol

I am validating myself.

I am not going to allow this post to be alone.

I validate you too. Everything that you said is true. Good for you!!!

way to go! so proud of u!

Well done! These are important and good realisations.

(((hugs)))

Yes girlie, a lovely poignant post ! A positivity shines through your (Carol's) post. Well done, girlie. Well said. Moving beyond acceptance , to the point of coping in spite of. Not maybe understanding, just the facts, and how you deal with them, now, that matters. Thank you for sharing your feelings. As you rise above the past, head high girl ! Well done !

Yay! I'm happy for you to have come to this realisation.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

That is really good!!

Did that make you feel better and stronger writing that down?

I like your positive affirmations about this.

I validate it too!

thanks everyone.

guess asking for what I want pays off.

I need your support.

I feel torn apart having to separate now from that woman. I did love her and I depended on her to survive for a long time. She was my world.

I am genuinely grieving the loss of her love.

thanks again,

Carol

this is hard. Had another good cry.

yes, it did.

And both my aunt and my mother are dead now.

I am the surviving member of the whole family. It's time for me now. Who is going to care for me now? Me.

You're all seem so aware and understand what happened. The issue seems to be control, enhancing their ego and demeaning you. And sometimes it's done so subtly, it's hard to figure out what's happening until you've been pretty hurt, At first, it can even seem like you're the person with the problem. The trouble is that often the victimizer can be so proper, polite, articulate, reasonable, soft spoken, especially around others. They play the social game extraordinarily well. In public they are the sane one, and if you don't go along you are crazy.

You're hurt, scared, tired, confused, out of control, loud, interrupting, desperate, fast speaking, driven, sometimes even as if you're bouncing off walls, stumbling for the best way to say something - that's where you've been driven. In the that condition it's hard to be proper, polite, articulate, reasonable, soft spoken.

How do you fight politeness - the outward appearance of reasonableness and sanity? How do you explain to other people? How do you get help? Others aren't involved so not listening, and they don't know the rest of the story and often don't think it matters. If you're impolite, or raise your voice or get angry - you're wrong. Even police can be sidetracked. How often is there a hysterical, perhaps dirty, beaten victim; the victimizer is moderately clean, well-dressed, soft spoken, polite, makes great eye contact. Who gets the greatest hearing. Our cultural tends to consider abusers loud, rude, profane, clean, out of control.

Phrases I have seen alot and are very hard to fight are - "you're not being reasonable", "be reasonable", "let's sit down and discuss it", "let's sit down and discuss it". They appeal to the sane person, and the abuser usually has just enough facts to make you listen. Then - well who wants to be unreasonable, but, somehow you're never the person who benefits from these reasons. Funny thing about that.

What gets me is that even after being free of abusers, there are so many situations where soneone has a personal agenda. The abusive behaviors are much less wild, so polite, but so determined. Unfortunately I trigger; I don't respond logically, only desperately defenfensively. How do I handle this? I'd love some advice.

I had to keep all of your post on my quote, Kath. It can not be said enough.

My advice? Listen to your heart and your gut as best you can. I came to this point with my aunt that way. This did not make sense to me why I was so upset with her; she was so reasonable. But something was wrong. I was able to put my finger on it when I studied subtler abuse e.g emotional abuse and also listened to my heart and gut. Then I realized something was wrong and posted this post "I made up my mind".

I still get sideways reactions from people, and when I do, I go, "Look, I have a feeling about this one and I don't think I even give a d what you think anymore." I say this calmly so that I don't look or feel unreasonable. But I don't take it anymore.

Carol

You are amazing... and yes, you deserve (and did deserve as a child) love and respect. Good work validating yourself, you are inspiring me to do the same... Thank you

That is such a big and wonderful step!

You are right in all of it! It was not your fault and you should never feel that way!

Stay strong, you deserve/deserved better and don't ever forget it!

Continued thanks.

Purple, I have to say, I love your signature about bracing for impact. I just had a pic in my mind of me saying that to my aunt. lol

Carol

I can relate to this. I do not talk about my abuse with my family because I know they feel like I should "understand" my abuser's issues. Whatever his problems, they do not excuse or lessen what he did to me. My only obligation is to love and have compassion for myself and the trauma I went through. Nobody did that for me as a child, but I can do it now.

That's absolutely right!

It's now about us, not them!

thanks again,

Carol