[littlebellepeep]

Ok, I know this is weird, but I'm trying to figure out what to do.

I was molested as a child and then I was raped by 2 men when I was 13. It lasted for hours and they ripped me REALLY bad. My sexual abuse continued for another 7 years by several other men. I have permanent scar tissue surrounding my vagina and cuts that never heal. I am 21 now and I cannot have sex, sit down properly, wipe when I use the bathroom, etc. because it is excruciating.

Being molested and raped were my first sexual experiences and I wish I could've lost my virginity to someone that I love, who loves me. I am having surgery soon to repair the damage to the inside and outside of my vagina and I have been considering getting my hymen repaired during that. I know it sounds silly and I know I cannot recreate what happened to me, but I feel like maybe it will make me feel a little better. But then I also think it may make me feel worse.

I do not have a boyfriend or anything and I'm worried that if I do meet someone, I'll have to explain at some point or another, and they're going to say that I'm not really a virgin and it will go horribly wrong. I'm also really afraid of the pain -- it was the WORST pain in my entire life when my hymen was broken but I also don't know if a lot of that was because of the situation I was in.

Am I overanalyzing everything? Do you think it would be weird if I had my hymen repaired? Please help me!!

[Trippin2.0]

Its not weird at all! I see it as a symbol of empowerment, taking back what was savagely taken from you, and that was and IS rightfully yours, to give to whom YOU choose. There is power in that train of thought, your power.

Don't worry about bf's, virginity and sex. Why?

1. You wouldn't date someone that stupid and insensitive.

2. You ARE a virgin. You've never had sex with anybody.

( Remember that rape is the act of violence not sex)

The way I see it, your surgery is part of your path to healing, and you want to have your hymen repaired, and so you should. I think you "deserve" a hymen, I think it will be good for your self-esteem, maybe that makes me weird? but I honestly only see good things coming from this decision.

I know you don't know me from a bar of soap, and hope I didn't speak out of turn, but I feel strongly about my response and hope you will receive it in the manner that was intended

Many hugs to you, I admire your strength and resillience and wish you well with your surgery

[Silent_Tears_17]

I think if you are in so much pain, you should really consider the procedure to fix it. But also keep in mind the pros and cons. When it comes down to it this is your body. You get to take control of it and do what you want.

[yellowfrog268]

LittleBellePeep,

As a fellow survivor of childhood sex abuse, I can relate to your wanting to have lost your hymen to a partner you love(d).

I was molested on several occasions, by several perpetrators, between the ages of 5 and 15, and then raped twice as an adult. It didn't result in the same physical damage you suffered, because until I was 15, none of it involved penetration. The adult neighbor who molested me at age 5 tried, but I was too small for him to succeed. With an uncle at age 6, a step-father at age 12, and both grandfathers once apiece the year I was 14, it was inappropriate touching. No damage to the body. Lifetime scar on the soul. The rape at age 15 tore my hymen, but then honestly, the pelvic exam afterward in the ER, with the speculum, did even more damage physically and was more painful.

I said all that to say this: In the ER, I asked the doctor if I was still a virgin, and he told me I was. The fact that my hymen had been torn did not mean I was no longer a virgin. A hymen can be torn riding a bicycle or a horse, if something happens. I had not had sex of my own free will, and virginity doesn't end until it is given up voluntarily. Even if one of the earlier situations had resulted in penetration, it would not have ended my virginity, because I was not old enough, mature enough, or informed enough to give consent.

A man who loves you will be sympathetic rather than judgmental, and when the time comes, he will be gentle knowing you have been traumatized. If the physical damage you have suffered causes you pain now, I think I would consider repair, not to restore virginity you haven't actually lost, but to minimize pain.

[shortandcute]

littlebellepeep, I'm sorry you went thru all that, and that you're still experiencing so much pain from it. I really feel that is a personal decision, and you should go with what seems to you to be the best thing to do. Lots of hugs to you.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Your post moved me greatly.

I will not tell you what to do either way.

I wish I were still a virgin, too. I never knew what it was like, either, to be intimate with someone I loved who loved me back.

In my view, you still are a virgin. You did not give it up; someone else took it from you. It was not right. You did not lose it. Someone took it.

I do understand you wanting to be physically a virgin again. I wish I could be one, too.

Carol