[Raindropvampire]

My FIL that made a very inappropriate pass at me and groped me is in jail. I'm so very torn. My MIL and hubby are very upset. I'm having a hard time being sympathetic. All I want to say is "He's a drunken crackhead who also happens to be a predator. The streets are safer without him. Move on with your lives and associate with a better class of person."

What I am doing is just shaking my head and saying "Just be thankful he didn't hurt himself or an innocent bystander. I'm so sorry for you. I wish he'd thought of you before he had a stupid attack."

I feel so fake because I'm still freaking fuming over him putting his hands on me. IF he gets hit with habitual offender he'll be gone for about 30 yrs and I"M GLAD!!GLAD!!GLAD!! yet I feel so petty and conflicted. With his crack addiction and drunken temper he has held his family hostage forever but without him they seem so lost. I just don't get this.

He got drunk and high, tried to rape their roommate, then stole my MIL's car, slammed into some poor guy's pickup and fled the scene on foot. ALL WHILE ON HOUSE ARREST FOR A PREVIOUS CRIME!!

I want to throw a flipping party and they are devastated. I'm just so torn with wanting to help them and wanting to throw a fit at them asking "WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!?!?!?"

But the end all be all is the Ahole is gone. Hopefully for a long time.

[pbutton]

glad to hear it.

[shezbut]

You're FIL deserves every single minute that the judge handed down to him in the courtroom. I'm with you!!

It is really sad that your MIL and hub are devastated to see the man behind bars ~ it must be really tough to hold your true emotions away from your own hub too. Are you working with a T to help you gain some sense of closure and acceptance of how your hub and his mom feel? I do hope so.

I am SO happy to hear the good news though! It's a rare commodity for our abusers to end up paying for their crimes. IMO, they ought to be sent away for life. Maybe then, they'd have some idea of the pain that they've caused others to suffer for the rest of their (our) lives and actually develop regret for the pain they've caused.

You certainly have my support any time you need it. Very gentle hugs to you...

[Raindropvampire]

I never got any justice for what my uncle, any of the older kids my mom babysat for, my friend's older brother or my cousin did to me when I was growing up. Even if he's not going to prison for what he did to me it gladdens my heart that he's being punished for something. That makes me feel so petty but I can't help if I'm happy.

As far as my MIL and hubby I can only guess they are still in denial that someday he'll become a better person. I don't know. I try thinking about how I would have felt when I was a kid if my mom had gotten locked up. And all I can think of is relief that the hitting and name calling and screaming would have ended. I just can't fathom missing someone like that and being bereft of anything good because he's gone. My hubby cried off and on all day today. HOW THE HECK DOES HE MISS THIS MAN?!?! He still gets migraines from a skull fracture where his dad hit him in the head with a hammer when he was younger. Well according to the family it was my hubby's fault because he didn't duck when it was thrown. Maybe it's a type of Stockholm syndrome

I did find out that his mom expects me to be her chauffeur since her car is wrecked. Since I don't work during the day I can drive her all over or let her keep my car. Then when I get up for work she can take me and pick me up or I can drop her off. Does it make me a B that I'm resenting that she thinks I will just go without sleep or give her my vehicle all the time? I told her she's not on my insurance, she doesn't pay for the upkeep of my car so she's not just going to have carte blanche. I did tell her we can set up times for me to take her grocery shopping and to appointments and just time to get out of the house for a bit. I think I was fair but hubby and she say I'm being selfish.

[shezbut]

I think that your hub and his mom's expectations are selfish ~it's you car! You have every right to stand up for yourself and set up available days & times to help your MIL get around. It does suck to depend upon others to help you get around...but you shouldn't have to switch places with her, just to make her life more enjoyable. That's ridiculous!

Perhaps they're just sort of stuck in their emotional minds, and expecting everyone to accomodate (sp?) them to ease their distress a bit. It's just unfair to you to expect you to make all of the accomodations. It sounds challenging to stand your ground, but I encourage you to continue to do so. Tough toenails, they're going to have to make changes in their worlds too. That's just the way that it is.

and Best wishes sent your way!

[Raindropvampire]

Thank you Shezbut! I didn't think I was being selfish. I thought I was setting boundaries so I wouldn't be walked on. But when you have two people in your face yelling that you are being mean and selfish you start to doubt yourself. Hearing from someone else that I'm not being unreasonable truly helps. I'm digging in my heels on this one. I've even offered to stay a couple nights a week with her just so she won't be lonely and I won't have to drive so far to take her around. If it's not her way exactly then it's not good enough. I'm thinking about asking if she will come to a counseling session with me. Heck it can't hurt can it?

[Sannah]

These 2 have no boundaries! I think that you are setting good boundaries. Keep us posted?

[Raindropvampire]

Found out from a friend that works for the prosecutor they are going for habitual since he is a career criminal. He's spent more time in juvie, jail and prison then out since he was 9. He's 58. He will not see less than 30 years. In our state that means the earliest he can get out is 11 years and that's if he takes the substance abuse classes and doesn't get in trouble.

Took MIL shopping Friday. We spent Friday and Saturday night with her. She refuses to go to a counseling session with me. It was worth a shot. I will say her and hubby seem to have mellowed a bit since I dug my heels in. It's obvious that they aren't happy with me but at least they've stopped screaming and berating.

[Sannah]

Good work sticking with what you need! It will pay off as you can already see.

[shezbut]

Good job, Raindropvampire! :thumbsup:

I am sorry to hear that your hub and MIL were screaming at you and putting you down. That's messed up! While they've chilled out on their antics thankfully, I would assume that the hostility and resentment really hurts you. Especially from your hub!

I can understand how your hub may have mixed emotions about his father going to prison...but, I truly hope that you're able to get him to go to therapy with you. I can imagine his remarks causing a big rift between the two of you soon. That just really has to hurt!

I hope that your FIL gets the maximum sentence and doesn't get out 20 years before his full sentence is served. The criminal system is so confusing to me ~ just doesn't make sense. Gentle hugs sent your way.

[Raindropvampire]

And this is what keeps me hanging on in hope. could be foolish hope I don't know. Hubby wrote me a poem and a three page letter for Valentine's. Told me how he promises to stay on his meds and be the man I deserve. That he's tired of us fighting and he usually being the instigator. That he wants to be better than what he came from. He wants us to have better. Everything I want to hear Everything I need to hear to keep me hanging on seeing this through to see can it get better.

He did stand up to his mom today and told her I wasn't a taxi. He's NEVER took my side against his family. But what if it was just the holiday or our anniversary coming up. Though he did cry when he gave me the letter and told me he was sorry for everything he's put me through. That he knows he's never hit me nor would he ever but when he yells and screams and rages and calls me names and screeches at me that it still does damage. In the 6 years we've been together he's made strides but what if this is as good as he's capable of? Maybe another year and more therapy and see where we are.

But all that said today was a good day.

[Sannah]

Rain, I think that all of this good stuff happened with your bf because you are sticking with your demands! You are probably the most stable person that anyone in this family has ever been around. If there is a rock (you) those around you can get their bearings.

[Raindropvampire]

Update: FIL finally got sentenced. He took a plea bargain and got 35 years with a minimum of 15 served before he's eligible for release.

My MIL has been a different person this last month. She's been acting like an actual mom She thanks me when I give her rides, she's fixed me dinner to say thank you, she's surprised me with a spa day and just been all around lovable. I think being away from the jerk has done her a world of good. She's even talking about filing for divorce. Hubby isn't happy about that but we talked and he agreed his dad isn't a good man. His mom and him deserve better.

The irony is my car died about a week ago. Well she's getting a new one tomorrow and has offered to let me borrow her car or to take me around anywhere I need to go. I just can't believe this is the same MIL I've had the entire time. Apparently when she's not living with a nightmare who's berating and belittling her all day everyday she can be quite nice.