[picklewheeze]

I cannot stop trembling

I feel really small and scared. I missed my appointment today. My Ts gonna be so mad at me, just completely forgot..

I'm actually so scared. I don't.know what to do. I feel like I e been.knocked so far back and.I don't know where to turn. I can't deal with all this stuff Ijust can't.

I can't even explain on here.. And I was doing so well

I'm scared to see my T. I'm scared I wpont be able to talk like before. Then ill be so angry.

I've completely messed up my legs and I've got psychiatrists ringing me all over the place to constantly risk assess me. I'm trying to do work still. I'm swimming, I'm ru.ni.g but it just all feels so wrong.

My.local R centre keep rinongig me but it just sends me into complete panic, even the thought. I'm petrified of the woman I meet there. I just can't do this

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Please try not to worry so much about your T - you won't be the first person ever to miss an appointment.

Is your T somewhere other than the R centre?

[picklewheeze]

Yeah I have two, well three.

I see a T at my university. Thats the apt I missed. I see a less qualified T at RC and then I see a psychologist for CBT, but I'm not a fan.

Thanks

[tinyrabbit]

How are you doing today?

[Open Eyes]

(((picklewheeze))),

It sounds to me like you are experiencing an asortment of anxiety issues where you feel that others are not going to be able to help you and that you may be judged unfairly somehow. And it also sounds like you are struggling with not knowing how to "verbalize" the way you have been hurt and are struggling. This could be an emotional flashback coming forward and it sounds like it is scaring you. And if you are struggling and overwhelmed it is very common to lose track of time and "yes" miss a T appointment.

OK, hun, you are not "failing", you need to do some self soothing, don't self punish and "flight" either. You are going to be ok, just slow down, call the T and explain your symptoms and that you have been losing track of time and didn't mean to miss the appointment. A good T will understand. It sounds to me like you have PTSD and have experienced a confusing flare up, I have experienced that too, and this is something that can happen but you "can" get past it and you "can" get help with it.

Yes, I get the chills too and I get disoriented and I struggle to verbalize what I am experiencing. Yes, I have lost track of time too, and it has confused and frightened me in the past as well. You can learn to understand this better, and help yourself calm down verses just unknowingly feeding into it.

When I have gotten this way, luckily I can call my T and do a phone session. When I get this way I cannot drive or function well and all I can do is be patient until the wave of confusion slowly "passes" and these episodes "do pass".

What I have come to recognize is that these invasive episodes "mean something" and are only "trapped emotions, memories, that I never realized were there in my brain".
It doesn't mean you are crazy either, all it means is there are things coming forward that you need to understand better, think about why they are there and slowly work through them, as you do this they will actually grow weaker and you will be able to gain on better controling them verses being "afraid" and confused by them.

What this often boils down to is (in your case experiencing childhood abuse), is how you did not know how to be heard, ask for help, and you were frightened and confused. I have been experienceing these intrusions myself and my diagnosis is PTSD, or rather complex PTSD.

When a child is abused somehow, they don't know how to process it, or even understand it at all. So, what they do is disassociate alot and when they do that their brain remembers but pushes it aside so they can continue to thrive. They don't even know how to talk about it, and often they struggle to find a nurturer that can understand and help them with it.

In my honest opinion, because I have experienced what you are discribing myself, is that you are having these fragmented memories coming forward, and yes, they are very confusing and very hard to put into words. This doesn't mean you are ruined or unworthy or will not be understood by a professional. A true professional will understand this and will help you slowly understand it and work through it too. Yes, as I mentioned, I have experienced this myself and I do lose track of time and even what day it is in the now, when these fragments come forward. However, they only come forward in waves, and they can come in strong like a wave and then they receed slowly. The only time you can do anything really is "after" this happens where you can try to slowly identify whatever memories and emotions these waves show you.

Hun, you need to get on the phone and call your T and explain what is happening to you. I think you should "ask" if this is PTSD, because you are very confused and you think you are experiencing flashbacks of somekind. I am not a therapist, but from what you are discribing, I have gone through this same kind of confusion and intrusive symptoms. You need to get diagnosed and treated for this and you can learn that this is "not your fault" and that you can "slowly work through this" and "yes, often it takes time to be able to verbalize or put together what these intrusive experiences mean".

Yes, your concern about being understood somehow is very common with this. It isn't your fault, you just need help with it, you will slowly learn that you can "work through it" and that it doesn't mean you need to feel like you do when these challenges come forward. You "can" learn to understand what they mean and also learn how to "self sooth, self comfort, and self care" until you slowly finally get the chance to work through them and consciously understand them verses being afraid of them.

So please call the T, and let us know how you make out ok?

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))

OE

[avlady]

WOW that was a great post Open Eyes. Yes, picklewheeze, call your T soon. One thing i learned from this post is that I never heard anyone before mention the loss and understanding of time. I've experienced the not understanding of time a few times in my life and it wasn't funny!!I feel for you and hope you can get through this phase, I'm schitzophrenic myself, and have several other issues like PTSD too.

[picklewheeze]

TR, I'm actually feeling much better today thank you. I went for a really long hard run yesterday and sweated a few thigns out then quite literally collapsed into bed and slept pretty much right through until my psych rang me and woke me up - ***** lol.

I do need to ring the uni T, I'm just scared. But I'll try.

OE, thanks for that amazing post. Yeah, I experience it a lot. I dont think that I have PTSD, cause I dont think I have flashbacks. THough I dont really know that I understand them. I suffer from anxiety but am medicated and it has been pretty well controlled. I have anxiety attacks, where I completely freeze up and I cant move fora while and all I can hear is my breathing and my heart hammering away. Its weird. I just feel completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I start fighting out of them, other times I remain completely paralysed. I couldnt tell you what I think about during them. Its usually one singular thought that revolves around and around in my head and I cant move past it. I havent had them in a while to be fair.

I do dissociate, I have found out during therapy.

I also definitely 'freeze'. Its weird the losing track of time thing. For me, I sometimes go a bit manic with the stress of everything. It feels like every minute lasts a second. I have to do everything so fast. I cant stay anywhere for any length of time. I tremor, badly. I cant really be in public when I'm like this, people cant keep up and it frustrates me. But its hard to just stay at home and tremble it out.

The losing track of time thing I think it comes from sleep disturbance as sleep and the hormones involved moderates our body clocks. So we can't feel an awareness of time. Its weird though because from personal expeirence the greatest lost of awareness of time came in the rawest stages of grief. Perhaps this was sleep deprivation too. But I'm not sure. maybe its just in times of extreme stress.

[picklewheeze]

I've just looked up complex PTSD.. Its everything I do..

I dont want this. I just want to push it all of me. I want to push her off me all those years ago. I dont want her on me anymore. I didnt then. I feel so fragile

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry hon. You shouldn't have been hurt like that.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks TR, as always. I'll be okay. I'm just a bit shell-shocked at the mo.

My ex who was abusive to me rang me the other night really upset, he told me he loved me and he wanted me back. I told him to get over me and find someone else. He said there is no one else, I still want you and I'm a horrible person. I didnt even know what to say. I told him he wasnt horrible.. I just didnt know what to say

When I was in year 9, I got really triggered in a lesson. I got set out for throwing a rack of scissors across the room. I took a pair outside with me and self harmed. I was then allowed back in. I refused to speak to anyone. I sat at the front on my own (as always) with my head in my arms. All the class left and I refused to move. My teacher spent about half hour talking me out of it. I wanted so badly to tell her what was going, but I couldnt. I felt so small and scared and I just couldnt tell her and knew what I had to go back to. I've always thought she must have just thought I was a wacko and forgotten about me.

Then I got this message from her the other day.. I asked her if she remembered that day she told me she did. I then asked her what she thought. She told me she got sacked over that day. She was really worried I was being hurt at home by my behaviour and things I'd written e.g. poems etc. But as I hadnt actually said the words, she got accused off over reacting and trying to put words in my mouth. Had a massive row with the head and quit/got sacked. She hasnt taught since.

She knew, like she acatually knew. I've always imagined I hid it so well. I thought no one could tell. Its made it so much more real. The things she did for me were wonderful. When she told me, I said Im so sorry. I said I hated to admit it but she was right and she wasnt overreacting. She got upset and said she was sorry too, she said she did everything she could. She told me I should have just said, she would have helped me. I told her I couldnt. I told her I had my sister to protect etc. She said that wasnt your job.

I just cant believe its all real..

Like it was actually me. It was me. I got abused. Not someone else. Not another part of me. ME. I was that trampy skinny little runt sitting in the classes. Going crazy screaming and shouting at teachers just cause I could. Always being desperate to tell them what was going on but not being allowed to. That was me she was worried about. I'm so touched that someone cared.