[tinyrabbit]

Last year, a lot of things started leaking out of me in the form of anxiety, stress and panic attacks. At this point in time, I remembered emotional abuse and neglect in my childhood, but not CSA. A few days before I contacted my T for an assessment appointment, I wrote to a newspaper problem page. I forgot all about it. Then, this weekend, five months after I wrote to them, my letter was printed. By the time I realised, there were hundreds of comments. The columnist's response was really helpful, but the comments are vile. I know they are just ignorant idiots on the internet, but they have really got to me.

I don't want to post a link in case the comments upset anyone else. It was in the family section of a UK newspaper. The gist of my letter was: my dad was suicidally depressed and my mum just ignored me and told me "well don't feel like that" and "just let it wash over you". I attempted SU in my teens and subsequently overheard my mum on the phone to a friend claiming she'd had no idea I was unhappy - despite the fact she knew I was SI-ing. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said: "Well, you know that was a difficult time for me." I was ignored, neglected, and miserable. I said I didn't know why it was all bothering me so much now, and I just wanted her to acknowledge that she had neglected me.

The columnist's response was brilliant. She said it would go a long way if my mum could just, even once, say it was hard for me too. That my mum ignored everyone's needs and I was constantly trying to become visible because I was invisible. That I was defined by other people and had lost my sense of self. But a lot of the comments are absolutely awful. I can just about see they are talking rubbish, but I think they've upset me because I feel like they're a representation of what everyone in society thinks.

The commenters seemed to think my mum had done her best and, unless there was any actual maltreatment, I had nothing to complain about. Because ignoring your child's unhappiness to the point where they attempt SU and then still refusing to acknowledge it, well, that's fine, isn't it? People seem to think that, if parents have done their best, that means they've been good enough. Some people said I should appreciate my mum doing the best she could, that I shouldn't have made it harder for her, that I should apologise to her. Some people said parents don't owe their kids anything. Loads of them said I should just move on and stop blaming my parents.

This is what I struggle with all the time. I constantly assume - because of transference, because of the messages I internalised as a child - that I should stop complaining, that I have nothing to complain about, that I should just get over it and get on with life, but I can't. I'm starting to believe my therapist when he says I have wounds that are painful, but these people have just taken my inner critic and shouted everything it tells me. I shouldn't have read the comments. I wish I hadn't. Hundreds of people, all shouting with the same voice as my inner critic.

I have T tomorrow, so I'm going to talk to him about it. The part of me that listens to him, the part of me that believes I deserve to heal, thinks this is just a sad reflection of how little people understand the legacy of any kind of child abuse, because what I described in my letter was abuse, because ignoring your child and refusing to comfort them is abuse, isn't it? That part of me thinks these people are lucky not to understand why I'm hurting.

But another part of me is saying: you see? You are nothing, you are pathetic, everyone else thinks you are pathetic.

Another poster was recently triggered by online commenters and I remember saying: they are ignorant idiots, they are wrong, don't listen. But how can you ignore it when it's your own inner voice shouting at you through hundreds of people?

I'm sorry this is so long. I really need someone to tell me it's okay to need to heal, it's okay if I can't just move on. I'm trying to trust my therapist, who has 20 years' experience, over all these commenters. I'm trying to remember that, even without CSA, my childhood was a lonely, miserable, cruddy one.

But now that inner voice says: see, there you go again, expecting people to feel sorry for you.

I need someone to tell me it's okay if I can't just get over it. Sometimes I really hate the world.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I need someone to tell me it's okay if I can't just get over it. Sometimes I really hate the world.

It's okay if you can't just get over it, tinyrabbit. I can't either I actually think my T is thinking I'm weak, pathetic, ridiculously oversensitive, annoying, bothersome to him and that I should get over it already. I told T that and he listened and said, "Freewilled, I wonder what happened to your self-compassion?" Hmm. Well I dunno what that is, lol...

All those commentators are the ones who are wrong. Who are they to tell you what to feel?! I'm getting angry just thinking about it. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I also was impacted in childhood by my parents' MI and felt/feel invisible. My scars aren't visible, but they matter just as much cause they ARE real. So do yours - no matter what anyone else says

[Solepa]

((((tinyrabbit)))) I´m so sorry that you got these responses and that it made you self doubt a lot. As a child you deserved loving parents that would meet your needs unfortunately it did not happen and now you have problems because of it. And it is understandible you have them and sure it is not your fault. And you deserve to get help so you can have good life and start to feel good about yourself. Everybody deserves that tinyrabbit even if people tell you otherwise.

My father was horrible to me and it hurt my feelings but I sometimes feel that my mothers pretending that everything was fine and there was no problem maybe hurt me even more. Like there was no alcohol problem in our family, it was never talked about and it seemed it never existed the only person with the problem was me. That is how I felt unfortunately this feeling stays with you for long time.

People from the general public say many things that are just bul...s..t like in my country when child runs away from home people comment that when the child gets back home the parents should beat it to stop it from running again. Would you agree with that? I never would there is so many things like this....people just don´t know the situation they just assume ...and very often they are SO wrong.

Tinyrabbit I really hope you feel better soon that this will not get to you anymore and you take care and be kind to yourself. You are on my mind girl.

(((((hugs)))))

[tinyrabbit]

Thank you so so much for your replies. I'm trying to think about how, okay, these people are bothering me because they are saying the same things my inner critic says, but that doesn't make them right, it just makes them part of the problem, part of the society that helped create and reinforce my inner critic in the first place. They're not experts, just random people who think they know best. Problem is, there's so many of them and they shout so loudly.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

It's okay if you can't just get over it, tinyrabbit. I can't either I actually think my T is thinking I'm weak, pathetic, ridiculously oversensitive, annoying, bothersome to him and that I should get over it already. I told T that and he listened and said, "Freewilled, I wonder what happened to your self-compassion?" Hmm. Well I dunno what that is, lol...

All those commentators are the ones who are wrong. Who are they to tell you what to feel?! I'm getting angry just thinking about it. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I also was impacted in childhood by my parents' MI and felt/feel invisible. My scars aren't visible, but they matter just as much cause they ARE real. So do yours - no matter what anyone else says

I have the same issues with my T. I'm gradually letting myself see that this is transference, and not what he actually thinks! I don't think I have much self-compassion either. My T says I need to matter more to myself...

I think I'm partly upset because those commentators are lucky if they are in a position to believe this stuff. And because attitudes like theirs are part of the reason nobody actually did anything to help me have a better childhood. I'm so sorry you are in a position to understand. I wish we didn't have our wounds.

Still, the fact we do at least means we are in a position to help others. You've helped me today. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Solepa

((((tinyrabbit)))) I´m so sorry that you got these responses and that it made you self doubt a lot. As a child you deserved loving parents that would meet your needs unfortunately it did not happen and now you have problems because of it. And it is understandible you have them and sure it is not your fault. And you deserve to get help so you can have good life and start to feel good about yourself. Everybody deserves that tinyrabbit even if people tell you otherwise.

My father was horrible to me and it hurt my feelings but I sometimes feel that my mothers pretending that everything was fine and there was no problem maybe hurt me even more. Like There was no alcohol problem in our family, it was never talked about and it seemed it never existed the only person with the problem was me. That is how I felt unfortunately this feeling stays with you for long time.

People from the general public say many things that are just bul...s..t like in my country when child runs away from home people comment that when the child gets back home the parents should beat it to stop it from running again. Would you agree with that? I never would there is so many things like this....people just don´t know the situation they just assume ...and very often they are SO wrong.

Tinyrabbit I really hope you feel better soon that this will not get to you anymore and you take care and be kind to yourself. You are on my mind girl.

(((((hugs)))))

Again, I'm really sorry you're in a position to understand. I think people are sympathetic to children when they are children, but not once they become adults. So they don't like the idea of a child in a bad situation, but once you grow up, well, it's in the past and you should just get over it, apparently, as if you're not still the same person who went through those experiences.

I feel the same as you in that sometimes my mother pretending everything was fine hurts me more. Because I feel like she was in a position to do something about it and she chose not to. I don't care if she did her best. Her best wasn't good enough.

That's a very sad example about running away. It's like people who think attempting SU is just attention-seeking and should therefore not be met with any attention. Yes, I was seeking attention, because I didn't get any and I needed some!

Thank you for your kind words and - here are some (((((hugs))))) back to you. I have T tomorrow which should help as well.

[~EnlightenMe~]

The commenters may be people who feel guilty about how they raised their children and who are defensive or it may be people who heard your story and their inner critic was projected out onto you, etc. Most of the time how people react to other people says a lot more about them than it does about you. I don't know if that helps, but it helps me at times.

You have a right to your own feelings. From what I have read, your therapist validates how you feel, and in time, this will help you feel more grounded within yourself, and less impacted by others. This is my hope for you and myself and all others who suffer

How you feel is not only okay, it is completely understandable, completely valid. You were neglected, you were hurt, and you owe no one any apologies. I am so sorry this happened and that your mother won't help you resolve this, you didn't deserve any of this.

Sending you tons of hugs.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hey, I went thru something similar.

I feel like I have to remind people---my roommate, others, that just because my aunt "did her best" does *not* mean I deserved what she did to me.

I am so sorry your inner critic was so triggered. I go thru this, too. When even one person criticises me, there it goes. "You complaining brat..." and variations of it. Horrible.

While I was reading your post, I pictured myself throwing a blanket over your psyche to keep out that pernicious voice.

Don't listen to it. Try really hard not to.

My mentor tells me this, "Be careful when your voice starts shouting along with the external critics. You can choose not to listen."

I also realize now (having gone thru much much h*ll in my own head) that when this kind of thing happens, I need to be really loving toward myself, even if I have to do it all alone.

I am all I've got.

You are all you've got.

Hold on.

Carol

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

The commenters may be people who feel guilty about how they raised their children and who are defensive or it may be people who heard your story and their inner critic was projected out onto you, etc. Most of the time how people react to other people says a lot more about them than it does about you. I don't know if that helps, but it helps me at times.

That helps a LOT. I had realised that, but I'm not very good at having faith in my own realisations, so thank you for echoing what I was wanting to believe! I do think people tend to just look at things in terms of their own stories.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

How you feel is not only okay, it is completely understandable, completely valid. You were neglected, you were hurt, and you owe no one any apologies. I am so sorry this happened and that your mother won't help you resolve this, you didn't deserve any of this.

Sending you tons of hugs.

Thank you. I talked to my T about it today and he agreed. I think he was pleased to see me trusting my own opinion.

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

Hey, I went thru something similar.

I feel like I have to remind people---my roommate, others, that just because my aunt "did her best" does *not* mean I deserved what she did to me.

This is SUCH an important point. I think some people - people whose parents were not toxic, but who did a good-enough job - don't understand that sometimes doing your best really is not good enough. I'm so sorry you identify with this, I wish you didn't have to.

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I am so sorry your inner critic was so triggered. I go thru this, too. When even one person criticises me, there it goes. "You complaining brat..." and variations of it. Horrible.

It's horrible - but it's a horrible LIAR, created from the way in which we were treated in the past. It's not the truth. I hope you can throw a blanket over yours, too! Thank you very very very much for your support, it means a lot.

to all

you have so much more reason to feel this way than i do, but i feel the same way. i actually just posted about it, haha...

i almost used your thread as a sounding board, so i'm sorry. i might post what i almost put on my own thread instead.

but i know how you feel, believe me. HUUUUUUUUUUGE hugs for you!!

as for those stupid comments, they just felt guilty or were just plain ignorant. i know how hard it is to not let it get to you, but try not to. try to drown out that negative voice as much as possible.

i tend to not read the comments on that sort of thing. i fear the negativity, so i don't allow myself to see them, so that if there IS anything negative, pffft on them.

[tinyrabbit]

I believed all this but then I let that critic in. And now I'm just thinking I shouldn't have expected so much, shouldn't have been so difficult. And I can't switch it off.

[Bill3]

It's okay if you can't just get over it.

It's okay.

You are okay if you can't just get over it.

You are okay.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am even going thru this kind of thing now.

And I am taking my own advice on here. lol

Carol

[tinyrabbit]

Bill3: thank you.

Broken: if only we could all take our own advice!

(((hugs)))