[katheryn]

after my vist to the councillor on tues and telling him bits about the abuse i had suffered,
he asked if i would write a letter to my dad, his reasoning was that nobody had discussed the abuse that my cousin had inflicted on me when i had to stay at my aunties,
the only problem i had about writing this letter was that my dad has been dead for nearly 19yrs this letter will never be read he will dispose of it for me,
so while hubby took a relaxing bath and all the children were ocupied i started i ended up with nine and half pages with tears flowing bits were dificult, i let hubby have a read while i went in the shower now hes feeling bad again

Hi Katheryn,
You're writing a nine page letter to your dead father about your having been abused and you're worried about your husband feeling bad? I don't understand that.

awww (((((((((((katheryn))))))))))))
Sounds like you had allot of emotion inside to let out. I think your husband feeling bad just means that he cares for you and is sad that you were hurt so badly. Let him comfort you.. thats what he wants to do, im sure. Its okay to let him do that. Its okay that he feels your pain with you. I'm glad you have someone to help you during this time.

[mrb020377]

katheryn.......

i am here for you...... sometime writing things down helps us out... i have two full journals tha i have written full of stuff from my abuse.... i have a letter in there to my abuser... it will never get mailed... but it felt soo god to say the things to him that i couldnt vocalize. my hubby read them...... he was saddened but understands me better because of it.....

I am here for you!!!

Katheryn,
I meant, I think you need to worry about you and take of yourself.
((((((Kathryn))))))

that was a good thing for you to do, and its good that your husband is feeling your pain too...it shows you have communicated your emotions very well.

your husband can now share your pain with you and help you through it, to have someone like this around you is a blessing, wish i could have a girlfreind (not wife because im only 19 hehe) who was that connected with me. we can only hope.

im happy for you that you did that, writing a letter is a hard thing to do, and the fact that you wrote 9 pages shows you needed to do it too, whether or not your deceased (im not a fan of the word "dead") father reads it or not. im sure where ever he is, he read it whilst you were writing it, he knows how you feel, and he must be so proud of you and your husband.

continue to keep up the hard work and take care.

Ive done this activity many times. The first time was with a rape crisis center and then after that because in various workbooks the activity is there and because I now know after seeing 18 therapists this activity is just a typical activity that they do with almost every survivor of some any sort of abuse.

The object isn't just for writing to the abuser to confront but its also a way for survivors to start learning how to express themselves and what they need instead of bottling it up and having it be released in unappropiate ways unexpectedly.

therapists also use this activity because it helps them to understand what the client needs from the therapist too.

My first letter to an abuser was just one word.
The next time I did the activity I actually wrote four sentences.
Each time I do the activity I am able to say more of my feelings, what happened to me and what I would have liked from my abuser whether or not I had confronted that abuser.

My abusers are all now dead but I still do the activity from time to time - on a spirual level who knows if there is a god and afterlife that abuser may still be able to hear me.

On the physical level the physical pains associated with keeping things bottled up gets released and the pain fades,

on the emotional level I can think much better without all the crap bouncing around my head constantly and I also don't feel so helpless and depressed.

I am so glad that you were able to write so much for now that nine pages of crap is outside of you and has been expressed in a way that was not using drugs and alcohol to shove the pain down, or released by self injury and suicidal ways, or any other number of ways that survivors in general have been known to deal with the abuses we went through.

WAy to go.. you did it.. and nine pages at that.. WOW and fantastic.

[katheryn]

i covered a lot in this letter, the fact that my dad brought myself and my two brothers up on his own after my mum passed away when i was three we didnt comunicate well, 14 yrs ago my brother also died from the same thing my mother did so ialso covered this as well

[sassyone]

Wow! I might have to try that again. I've started before and always gave up because it "seemed silly" or I was
afraid of what I might feel. Maybe there's something to it after all.
I'm glad your hubby is supportive. I know sometimes it helps me just to have mine next to me, knowing I'm not alone when we're not together, even if I can't share much with him.
Take care of you - and thanks for the inspiration. Think I needed it tonight.
Sassy.

Yea I have wrote from time to time things that were ok, good and great that happened with my abusers too.

the first time I did that I was upset because he hurt me but yet I still on some levels cared and did have some good memories.

When that happened my therapist at that time told me thats a sure indication that you are healing you are now starting to look beyond just the pain and abuse.

[Dezdemona]

(((((katheryn)))))

Good for you! I've been asked to do this as well. I find it very therapeutic, because it allows you to really say what you could not or did not say then.

Plus, because no one will read it except maybe your T/PDOC, you can allow yourself to get as angry as you need to in order to let those feelings go. I hope you find it helps.

[JustAPixie]

Writing a letter can sometimes feel silly as sassyone said. But it sounds like you did a good job. People who haven't suffered abuse have weird reaction when they are faced with it, so don't worry about hubby, he's only trying to deal with it as best he can. You should worry about yourself and how you felt after writing the letter. Did it help? I ask because I would consider it if it helps. I hope you can one day put all of this behind you and be free again.

Safe hugs
Tanya

[Sarah116]

It is a good idea, also to make funny stories or pictures of someone you are mad at. Just be sure to have a shredder at hand!

[JustAPixie]

I would make evil stories that would rival quinton taratino! But thanks for the advice Sarah.

[katheryn]

i did find this very usefull because i was brought up by my dad we never really talked about personel issues so when i was s/abused it just wasnt talked about with me i expect all my aunts and uncles were discussing it, but nobody never discusssed it with me, also i never new my mum so i also talked about this because i couldnt talk about this with my dad

[JustAPixie]

On top of all this you still had to grow up without a mom? I'm so sorry Katheryn. We can't always discuss these things with dads or men...