[tigersassy]

Trigger warning.....

May 2009 was hard. Impossibly hard. All previous actions and choices led to a horrible situation.
I was 20 years old. I had been abused physically emotionally and sexually by many people from age 3 to that time. My brother 3 years younger than me was tired of his friends making fun of him for being a virgin. He decided to rape me at knife point several times the month of his birthday (March). I hated myself for letting him. I still hate myself for that, but I froze I flashbacked to the other horrible things that happened to me. I cut and I took pills more than normal to deal with it. Well the beginning of April came along. I noticed a change no monthly mother nature visit. Didn't think a lot about it the stress of my home life caused it to change some. Mid April came and I noticed I felt sick if I didn't eat within an hour of being awake. Something was wrong I still didn't start my period. I freaked out. I didn't have a HF and the only person who had sex with me since my last cycle was my brother. Was this an evil trick my body was playing on me? Before work one day during the 20 somethings of April I went and got a pregnancy test. I didn't have to pee at the time so I waited. I took it on MT lunch. It was positive. I lost it. Cut deeper than normal. It helped I focused on the pain I focused on the blood to ground because I couldn't be emotional at work. I Dr.ed my cut went back to work numb and just walked through the motions. What else could I do. My morals told me abortion was wrong, but I'd always said rape was an exception. I wanted desperately to protect my child from harm in the same breath though. It took me two weeks to decide to have the abortion. I called set up an initial appt. They had to explain the risks find out how far along I was and if I could have an abortion legally. The cutoff is 12 weeks where I am. They did an ultrasound. I was 10 weeks and 3 days on 5/19/09. I started freaking out more. How soon could I get this done I needed to request off work. I scheduled to have the abortion on 5/22/09 requested off work for an emergency (30 days notice for non emergencies). I couldn't wait that long. Only 1 person knew about this and that was the old man who I was practically living with to avoid home after I found out I was pregnant. He was old enough to be my dad and was my boss at the time and I had sex with him to keep a place to live. Otherwise I'd have been dead or on the streets. I had the abortion on the 22nd went to back to work the 23rd with weight restrictions and authorization to sit as needed and wear non uniform pants. I never told my therapist at the time about it no family knows about it. My partner knows and I worked with a Christian counselor to deal with it but I think I just went through the motions. I told a few people outside of those but no one knows the sorrow. This and the thoughts that go along with it feed my self hatred and self image problems. I was already fed up in the head before this though. All choices and actions lead to this..... I need to focus on something else now. Going to try to be social and keep busy and active to prevent my suicidal thoughts from resurfacing for the 3rd time in a week.

[Sabra]

Tigersassy,

I am so sorry for the indignities you have had to endure in your lifetime. I understand that suicide can seem so inviting when darkness envelops you. You have seen light in your life in the form of the love you feel for your partner. Don't go further down that tunnel vision........you will see light again.

Somedays feel like the hole just keeps getting bigger no one seems to know you are there. Hang on, there are people who want to help you out. There is a lot of support on this forum........many of us have to just hold on until help appears. And who the heck knows how it's gonna come. Not I.

I have begged God to let me die and I'm still here. When I find my way ont of the pit, I am grateful I didn't die. However, in my time of unanswered prayer, I didn't believe I could ever feel joy again.

Hang on,

Sabra

[nicoleflynn]

I am so sorry. You might want to contact RAINN; I have heard wonderful things about that group. Try to put the anger and blame where it belongs......on the abuser/criminal. Are you still in therapy? If not, I would suggest you do that....because that pain and all of those emotions/suicidal thoughts are not going to go away on their own. Love, Nicole

[tigersassy]

I started therapy again this past week and already have a lot better support system. I've got a mental health nurse advocate that is checking in on me by phone periodically. Its just a lot.

[tigersassy]

Stress is up again. This is turning backwards of what I wanted and needed. May I try to take easy for the above listed reasons. I can't this year. Tomorrow starts inventory... supposed to be like 12 hour day not counting me being in at 4 am to change signage which makes it a 14 hour day. To come back Wed and Thurs for 12 hour days. Then Friday if no leftover inventory counts working the pro sales lunch for part of the day. I think I might fall backwards into bad habits to get through this month this year. I don't want to but it feels like the only option. Going to talk to my nurse today I hope. Maybe think of some alternatives and ways to deal with this über stress. Positive side this check will be nice I'm looking at 6 hours over if times stay how they are talking.

[adam_k]

I'm sorry for all the trauma you had to endure. I hope you can get your life in order, and get to a place where you have loving supportive people around you. Your brother had no right to do what he did to you, and I hope you can find a way to deal with this kind of emotional damage. I hope you learn not to blame yourself for his actions. He did it at knife point and you were powerless to stop him. It was his fault and his actions that harmed you, and nothing you did. No child should ever be abused and I'm sorry you had to dea with it for so many years.

I hope you can deal with some things in therapy, and find some peace. Self hatred is a powerful debilitating emotion and I hope you learn to love yourself one day, you deserve to be cared about and supported, especially after all you have been through.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

feel for you.

Carol

[tigersassy]

So my year was wrong. It was 2008 stupid me how could I put the wrong year. Today is just a sad day. It makes me not want to go to work I'm not suicidal just sad about the crap I did. I have so many questions its pointless to ask them though I'll never know the answers. I just need to sleep. Otherwise it'll be a long night. Got therapy tomorrow after work. She wants to know if anything is unresolved about my past and wants to talk it over. I can't think of anything. I've dealt with it as much as I could this is the most unresolved part and that's cause of all of the questions.