who was i really protecting

When i was 29 many years ago I was raped by my psychiatrist, I told no one not my family and really not my Therapist my most trusted friend, I didnt
tell any of my friends or health care providers either. It was my biggest secret ever.
I let that man abuse me and never spoke a word of it for 20 years after when I met my current and only psychiatrist I have ever talked to since. I let that man go free and never turned him in to keep his family from knowing and save my family the embarassment.
I thought I was to blame and I was ashamed of what happened. I was his patient in the hospital and he took me to an unoccupied floor to talk in the TV room everyday so I never thought anything of it until that Sunday morning in the autumn of my 29th year of life. I was being transfered to an eating disorders clinic the next morning and my doctor said this was something that was due him.
I should have turned him into the police and not been a coward and let him get away with that most horrible act. He hurt me so horribly I can never explain again. But I am so glad I let it out to my Dr. I have now he has been the best and most empathetic man, he has made me see how it was not my fault or any of my doing. I didn't deserve anything that was done to me and I never will. I was innocent.

Tam, I am so glad you told your story. Your current T is correct. "IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT OR ANY OF YOUR DOING, AND YOU CERTAINLY DIDN'T DESERVE THIS". You are courageous for seeking help, for letting it be a male who you decided to share this information with, and for speaking out. I understand where you are at right now. I have no great words of wisdom, only that you are brave for speaking about this to your T and to us here at PC. It is a great pleasure to have you in my life, and to have gotten to know you. Continue to be strong. Now you can start working on putting this nightmare behind you. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Big Mama

Thanks and hugs Mama I needed to hear from people like you to get past this in my life. I have struggled for a long time and when they tell you to write it down beleive me it really works, It becomes real and you can write it and destroy it several ways, I burnt it I shredded it , i stabbed it and when i was done I felt better. And I had a hand to hold through it. What a wide ride, i'm glad my pdoc was there his strength and power brought me through....

Good for you Sami, healing is just a arms length away. Words and a friend or T, who knew huh. Who knew it would hurt so much to. Good for you dear. You did it, you broke the silence.

You are not a coward! I'm glad you realise this was not your fault. It wasn't your fault at all.

You are now on the road to answering your own question. I am SO glad you told someone!
That p. was a sick, sadistic man who violated your trust, your rights, your very body and mind by taking advantage of your vulnerability. I doubt you were the first or last, hopefully he was caught at some time and put out of business, but even if not----NOT YOUR FAULT, Not your responsibility.
I have kept silent about things to protect my own "image" of myself as someone who can be in control; so of course it would be my "fault" when something happened. Especially since, there were times I was able to be assertive, strong, able to defend myself, and I would think "well, you didn't that time so you must have wanted..." instead of realizing there were times I was Very vulnerable and that was probably the reason I needed to believe I was a person IN Control.

you all give me strength and the ability to forgive myself for not telling someone to protect those who may have come after me. I called my old T from back then not to long ago and told him, he was in shock I think and had a hard time beleiving it but that is what I thought he would act like. They were friends and I didn't expect he would think that of him but all the same he was sorry and wished i would have told him then so we could have dealt with it and turned him into the board. At least I finally told someone it relieved some pain.

You are not responsible for his actions in the past, present or future. He is.

You can't change the past, you can't change the future. You can only affect today and deal with it the best you can.

You were completely innocent, Tamster. That horrible pDoc is absolutely to blame 100% ~ please don't EVER doubt that!

I know that it's hard not to kick yourself (I have a bad habit of doing the same thing myself), but what happened is in the past. We cannot change the past, our regrets do provide us with insight to deal with the present moment in time though. We are here right now.

Your current T sounds terrific and very supportive ~ that is great! Gentle hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad that you feel comfortable and safe enough to share with us here.