[Confused213]

I must preface this post with a bit of clarification:I feel odd posting on this forum because I'm not even sure what happened to me, if anything at all.
I don't want to offend anyone. My experience is surely not as bad as yours. So please, I'm not trying to play the martyr or the victim.

I was concerned for a friend who was behaving oddly, so, out of curiosity, I looked up "adult manifestations of childhood sexual abuse", something I had already stumbled upon when I found a fragmented memory in my mind. I was already kind of concerned about my uncles because I had some weird memories, but nothing explicit.

Another thing that made me curious was that I was (not severely) sexually assaulted a few years back and I'm still dealing with some of those things.

I found that not only did he match up 20/20 with the profile of one who was molested, but I did, too.
The list went on and on and I found myself saying, "eating disorders? Check. OCD like symptoms? Check. As a child, sophisticated level of sexual knowledge? Check. Recurring nightmares of abuse? Check. Fear of men? Check. Fear of sex? Check. Addictive personality? Check.
There were more and with each yes I was getting more anxious and uncomfortable.

So, I dug. I was digging and digging in my mind for childhood memories (very few of which do I seem to recollect)
Nothing was coming except for this odd memory of a beer barn and something spinning in my uncle's apartment (I already had this memory)

And then, everything turned. I remembered things when I least expected it, when I didn't want to, when I wasn't ready.
I fell asleep on a sectional couch not too long ago after a long night with friends. I didn't know it was going to be a co-Ed thing, but it was.
this is where things get weird
I woke up to a guy spooning me and that's when things started coming back. Immediately (in my mind) I was back in my uncles den, sitting.

He was drunk on the couch and had his arm outstretched towards me.
"Come here. Why won't you come here and spoon with me?"
I shook my head no.
"What's wrong? Is uncle mean? Is uncle stinky?"

So I came. We laid there for a while. He was rubbing my butt and legs. Then, playfully or sexually (I'm not sure), he told me to lay on his butt. Then he opened his legs and straddled my head with them. I couldn't get out of it. I don't know if this was "lewd and lascivious" or not.
This all positively, absolutely happened.

Other things came back which I'm not sure of.
I won't detail them, but I will say what might've happened:
Fondling of genitals
Digital penetration??
Dry humping

Nothing is clear. It's like a fog landed in my hippocampus and refuses to clear the way.

What made me really suspicious was the highly sexual dreams that I've had since I can remember.
I probably was 5 and I had this cartoonish recurrent dream of a man molesting me and smiling saying, "what's wrong? What wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?"
I also knew way to much about sex before I actually knew about sex. I knew about cunnilingus, somehow. I hate saying this. I tried to play sexually (In a far too advanced way for a child) with my pets. Along with that, lining up with the profile of one who was molested has me really paranoid.

I feel like I'm paranoid and out of control. I don't trust myself. I don't know what to believe.

Am I crazy or do you think something happened to me?

[optimize990h]

I think you should consider getting an assessment from pdoc.

There's a web page here that may suggest tendencies like a screen test for different possible mental health issues. Click on the Quizes tab near top of the 1st PC web page that you come to after you sign in.

[roads]

You're not crazy, and something did happen to you. It may not be exactly as you are remembering it now, IDK.

What I'm sure of is that it was sexual in nature, and it involved one or more adults you trusted when you were a very young child. You weren't to blame, and both your body and your faith in others were violated.

You've been damaged by these events ever since, even though you've only now begun to consciously remember them. You need to begin a path to healing, and probably professional help will speed this up. Now that you're aware of it, your imagination may kick in--and you can use help sorting out what's real and what isn't.

Its likely that most of your family of the offender's generation and older knows all about what happened. Every family has its secrets of one sort or another.

I am so so sorry, Confused, that you're experiencing this. I went through something similar, and I know it's devastating. Please take it to therapy and deal with it--it's never going to get better till you take it on and work it through.

There are many in PsychCentral who are struggling with the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse. They are available to help you.

Roadie

It is confusing ... As children we were unable to process with an adult mind what was happening to us at the time.

Most of my abuse played back over and over in dreams and flashbacks which left me even more perplexed as a child, adolescent and young adult.

Once I started working on the issues, though, all of that started making sense and even confirmed what I'd always suspected but had been lied to, brainwashed and gaslighted about.

Our abusers know exactly what they are doing, and they mess with our minds really bad to keep their dirty little secrets intact.

I'm with Roadie on this one ... Please get you a good therapist who specializes in CSA.

Healing is possible ... It isn't easy, it isn't quick ... But it is possible, and you'll no longer feel paranoid and confused as you reclaim your mind, body and soul from those who took it from you.

Sincerely,
Pfrog

ps. I was 33.5 yeas old before I finally got away from my abusers and started working on my stuff, so we're never too old, nor is it ever too late, to start the healing process.

[Millitoria]

Confused, it may be that you will never know exactly what happened but it seems clear from what you have written that something did.

I would definitely recommend speaking to someone about this - a therapist perhaps. Whatever was done to you, as a child you had to deal with it alone (probably by blocking it out). You aren't alone now though.

I am sorry you are going through this. If hugs are welcome then consider yourself hugged.

Milli

X

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I too have fragmented memories and also multiple abusers. I am not sure what happened to me, either, but I have learned to trust it. I know it's extremely disturbing. I am glad you spoke out and shared about it. it can be really hard when you don't remember it clearly. You begin to wonder if you are just "nuts". But I don't think we are. I trust my memories (meaning fragmented, distorted, unclear impressions, not photographic, clear ones) I trust how I feel. I know something happened. To both of us. Once, onne therapist asked me, "Carol how did you feel?" and I was able to tell her, "Sick, weird, icky!" and she believed me. It didn't seem to even matter what I remembered. All I knew was that it felt horrible. And that was *real*.

thanks,

Carol

[tinyrabbit]

I've had the experience of reading a checklist like that and being shocked to find I fit almost every item on the list.

It's very common to feel your experience is less of a big deal than other people's and that you shouldn't be posting - it's a kind of survival mechanism that tells you it wasn't so bad, and a lack of confidence and self-belief, but it's not true. There's no competition about who's had it worse, if you want to post then you should.

I can't tell you if something happened to you - I can't know - but it's possible. I would strongly recommend therapy, because then you can work through these worries, feelings, etc, with someone trained to help you.

[Confused213]

Thanks, everyone