sort of journaling i guess

i just want to get some of the thoughts that have been going round in my head out somewhere so forgive me for rambling on here for a bit...

ive been having kind of a heavy week. cant get myself to focus on study and i have two assignments due in the next two days. have so much other stuff to do too.

had reiki healing the other day and the guy said i have a lot of anger about something from my early teens. ha. i dont even know what. i mean it could be so many things.

still edgy after seeing T last week. jumpy, not sleeping well but spending too much time in bed. i just cant concentrate on things. read this online today:

quote: Common Reactions to Rape Include:

Shock
Numbness
Loss of control
Disorientation
Helplessness
Sense of vulnerability
Fear
Self-blame/guilt for "allowing" the crime to happen
Feeling that these reactions are a sign of weakness

that was absolutely me the few days after. but it wasnt rape. really. am i just totally in denial?

feel like theres something sick and twisted inside. have felt like that for so long. theres something really wrong. like theres this repulsive thing. i dunno.

was meant to be out now seeing a band but cant do it. need to eat. why bother fighting all the time. for what anyway? for me?? pah.

sorry. this has degenerated into a pity party. i ll stop now.

biiv... i just wanted you to know i care. and am so sorry you are struggling right now. feel free to pm me if you ever need to chat!!

biiv, i think you are convincing yourself it wasnt rape because to admit to rape is a hard thing to do. so you are telling yourself you allowed it to happen and that it means it wasnt rape, but if you are feeling those side effects, it sounds like it was. admitting it will conquer a huge battle, thats the hardest part.

you know where i am biiv if you need me. speak soon

simon

thank you esthersvirtue. i appreciate it. im going through the motions as much as i can these days. it will pass. it has before. just sooner would be better than later! feel free to pm me also if you ever want/need to.
take care

hi Simon. it might be that. right now i dont really want to think about it too much. maybe it will come up with T again this week. i just want to be able to get my study done this week.
thanks for being there. hope you re ok these days? remember you can pm me any time too if you want.
take care