[saveyourself1]

I grew up with a very emotionally repressed father. He continually battered me with insults, condemning remarks, and would use my trust in him to betray me. He continually used me as his emotionally piss pole. He would dump all his negative and incinuary thoughts on me, forcibly, then just leave me for dead, alone and neglected in my room. I didnt have anyone to turn to and became heavily addicted to video games, television, and eating - and later, working out and porno. Now the problem is I still have deep destabilizing fear of people. My mother was also very abusive, as well as my wife. I feel a lot better without any of them in my life as they were mainly just vampires, sucking me dry of any lifeblood I had. I feel very low right now, and food sounds really good, not so much out of hunger, but pain. I know that my brain is severely hampered. I produce an over-abundance of stress chemicals, such as cortisol, and not enough mood-regulating chemicals. Im in therapy, I journal, and I join groups to talk about the problems I have. But the thing I am still missing on dearly is being able to relate to others. I feel so isolated and alienated and I know this is the major cause for addiction in my own life. Im hoping the networking here will help that but im iffy. Afterall, who will be able to relate with me? I feel hopeless and powerless. I cant change the past, and all of my memories are traumatic and filled with negativity. Most people here will probably just tell me to 'forgive', like theres a magic button to press or its up to me. Others will tell me to take drugs, further isolating me contributing to my feelings of drfectiveness. But who will genuinely listen? Close to none - if anything the best I can hope for is not to be ignored, attacked or told 'yourr wrong'. But there has to be professionals here and people willing to support me, however dusty and remote. I must find a glimmer of support from someone, somewhere. One forty-five minute counselling session once a week is not nearly enough! Im so poor and depressed. Im going through a long-winded divorce and only make like eight thousand a year. And thats me working full time! I can barely survive, I live with people who drink, party, smoke and even occasionally steal from me. I just want a life being distant from emotionally handicapped people and live in peace and quiet. I just always wanted to be left alone instead of hurt and damaged. Im so sick of being called a stupid, piece of ****, worthless ***** that needs to grow some balls and stop being a mama's boy. Theres gotta be a life worth living somewhere. It cant be this bleak forever....dont tell me not to focus on my past! Dont tell me not to process my emotions and hidden inner patterns! Read alice miller's work, watch a few of Stefan Molyneux's podcasts on the family, etc. This is my life, im so sick of being denigraded, so segmented and commanded what to do! Nobody listens to me ever! I have to be fake or I wont make it! I have to put on this social mask! I must be a coward, a spineless jellyfish, a weakling, gimpy man. I must be hurt because I have nothing else to live for but pain. Im a loser, a stupid, ****ing idiot prick. Im a dumbass, mother-****er. Im done...

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[saveyourself1]

Part of my own emotional problems are the internalization of the denial of reality by my parents. My mother was and forever will be a heavy pot smoker. Spending 500 $ a week on weed mainly for herself and a little for my dad. She never admitted she smoked pot even though ive heard her on the phone asking, found a weed bag in her room, smelt it on her 20/7, smelt it from her room, she even bought from an ex friend I had from high school. My mom would then tell me, "Oh, you think smoking weed is such a bad thing", when I never said such a thing. I cant stand her. Shes a food and drug addict that constantly excused her own behavior at expense of my own childhood. But this part of me is relentless. It says things that my parents would say - but increases in strength relative to my own stregnth, even beyond my parent's stregnth and im wondering if it will ever go away. Here are some examples....: im just making this up for attention. I just want attention. I just hate people who do drugs regardless. Im just a spoiled, snobby brat. Im just a wimpy, gimpy man who has no life. Im just playing the victim card. Theres something seriously wrong with me. Nobody will ever pay attention to me because im worthless. I will never be healthy. Im a stupid loser who needs a good *** whooping. I deserve to eat **** and die. Im a living virus to be exterminated through the slow and soft death of verbally abuse and sadistic practices. Theres nothing holding onto me but sticky, smelly, sewage slime that I created and its all my fault. Dont you see, I woke up wanting to think and believe this just for attention! The truth is this is what abusers want you to think and do so youre more easily.preyed upon! This is why its been so easy for strangers to target me to an extent!

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[nicoleflynn]

You aren't any of the negative things you said about yourself. You re someone in pain. Keep going to therapy, write your feelings. I know what it is like to be abused (as a child and in a 31 year "marriage." I like the quote: "If it is to be it is up to me." All you can do, is keep moving forward and do the best you can. Don't allow others' opinion of you....define who you are. YOU do that. you get to decide who you are and who you want to be. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. If you can drop contact with the emotional vampires. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and will do and say anything to bring you down. Those are THEIR issues and have nothing to do with who you are. Abusers use projection....what they are saying to you is really how they believe about themselves.

[too SHy]

I agree with nicholeflynn. Emotional abusers can't hurt you if you don't give them free rent in your head. Cut all ties, make no excuses. Don't feel bad about returning their letters, etc. There is a extremely ancient story about a wicked man who wanted to be rid of his old dog. H threw the dog into a dry well, and began throwing shovelfuls of dirt into the well. The dog climbed up and up the mounding dirt until he got close enough to the surface, he leaped up out of the well and got away. Well I guess this means never give up, even if someone is trying to bury you. Maybe this is some story your father should hear, or not. When he is older he will or not regret what he has done, it has nothing to do with you...PS I was that Dog once, only still a puppy, but same thing. Good Luck

I am deeply sorry that all of the abuse has happened to you. There are no magic words that I could say to make things better for you. I really wish that there were. You have to save yourself just like your name says! You have to continue to claw your way up and out and away from all these abusive people. You can never, ever give up! If you do, then the abusers win and you don't want that. Keep posting. You'll find a lot of support and great information here at PC. Take care!