[shezbut]

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Is it just me? Am I the only person that feels so ashamed and uncomfortable with masturbation? Physical sensations come over me every time I see the word, or references to pleasing oneself, and they are not pleasant! I feel like one of the very few people in this world that has such discomfort with it.

And I don't know, are these feelings somehow tied in to the sexual abuse? For example, I do recall m'ing at my aunt's house (thinking about guys my age or a little bit older). However, some nights my aunt's hub came over to me and sat beside me rubbing me gently. I'd lay there with my eyes closed, completely still, urging him to freaking leave me alone in my mind! I get confused, and wonder if part of me liked being rubbed by that old sick-o. It scares the heck out of me!!

When I was a young girl, with my brother and (another time) with a Kindergarten or 1st grade friend (who was a boy), I was the one giving the b.j. I can't help but think that I was the one that instigated these sick happenings! OMG! If I am the one who instigated all of these sick memories that haunt me, then what in the world am I complaining about??! How can I blame them?

I'm the one who should feel ashamed of myself, right? That makes sense to me. And, that explains why I have always hated myself ~ why my self-esteem is/was in the toilet. Freaking so many years later.... and yet I still cannot seem to get over this. Maybe the reason why is because it was me.

Does this make sense to anyone else here?? Please tell me that I'm not just blaming myself.

[Harley47]

I highly, highly doubt it's just you Shezbut. Particularly if m'ing was tied with a negative memory, like that of the uncle.

Shezbut, I am about to offer a major bit of "easier said than done," but do hear me out. You must understand that at your age, with both the uncle and the Kindergartner, you were operating under the mindset of a young child, and you're now reflecting upon that mindset with that of an adult. The two are very rarely compatible, as the later sees the former as something that should've been able to operate with the same values and reasoning that the adult mindset operates off of. Of course, that's not the case. I don't think for a moment that you enjoyed your uncle's attentions, not at all. I think, as a young girl and faced with an awful situation imposed by an authority figure, you were scared, and didn't know what to do. That's perfectly understandable, and nothing at all to be ashamed of Shezbut. As far as the two boys go, children are naturally curious about their own sexuality and the sexuality of others. I wouldn't give what happened there any more thought beyond the explorations of a child. Don't hold that against yourself.

Your thought process, for an adult, makes perfect sense Shezbut, and I understand you fully. I don't think you're just blaming yourself. My only point is that you're blaming yourself now, with years of experience and wisdom behind you, for something that happened then, when you lacked those things. I completely see your logic there, and I don't fault you for it. I would only suggest that you let go of the shame...you did nothing to deserve that.

Hugs,
Harley

[shezbut]

I don't know Harley...

This world is just so sick to me. So much focus on young women. I can't stand it!

It feels like there is no "safe place" to go.

Even though guys tell me that I'm pretty, I'm not stupid. They tell all women that!! That's what they always say! "Oh, you're so pretty.." Yeah, right!

Why can't I have a man in my life who isn't hot for every other woman that he sees? What if that isn't even possible in this day and age?? Such a miserable thought to me.

I just can't stand it.

[Harley47]

You're starting to sound like myself there. On a given day, I can look into a crowd of people and see so much negative...the guy who thinks he's the best thing since Christ because he's got the latest designer clothes, the girls who haven't a meaningful thought in their head aside from the latest gossip, the guys who will treat their partner as a piece of property, and the girls who'll soak it right up, because the guy they're with is what's considered "cool." Whatever happened to things like chivalry? Respect? Honor?

Do yourself a favor Shezbut, and take it from me: Don't sound like me. The world becomes dreary and vapid really, really quick.

On that note, don't be so quick to instantly dismiss a compliment like that. You're right, to a point. A guy will always say that. But, it doesn't mean it can't be sincere if he means it, you know? There does exist those things I mentioned above in both guys and girls...it's becoming a rarity these days, but they aren't extinct quite yet. Don't give up hope.

[sabby]

(((((((((( Shezbut )))))))))))

I think Harley is right about thinking in an adult mind now but as a child you didn't have the capacity to think in adult terms. No child has that capacity. Our brains have not grown enough, our experiences in life have not been enough to teach us what is what and how to deal with things.

I also want you to know that you are not alone feeling as you do about m'ing. Some folks grow up learning that it's not a good thing to do from their parents. Some folks grow up having had it done to them from an abusive situation.

One thing that is important to know and remember is that the physical good feelings that come from m'ing are very normal feelings to have. I believe that most every child has those normal feelings and will explore them in some fashion. Please don't kick yourself for having those feelings as a child, it's very normal! And, as Harley states, exploration is very normal as well.

What isn't normal is an adult taking advantage of a child in this way. Your body responded because it's made to respond in such a way. But in your mind, you knew you didn't like it coming from your Uncle. So you have 2 things to deal with, your thoughts about it and your physical reaction which very often is different from your thoughts.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

[blueredgrey]

dear shezbut,

when kids do something out of the usual or adult stuff - usually an adult is responsible. when kids do something, they are usually acting out of what happened to them.

Maybe the sick uncle actually did something to you.....taught you about b.j and you just acted out. I mean, he rubbed you.....possibly he also did something else. Maybe you just repressed the painful memory.

Whatever you did as a child, you are not responsible for it.

Pls don't feel bad even if you felt any pleasure. You can't help feeling pleasure on being touched even if you don't want it, because your body is wired that way to feel - to react to the stimuli.

you've undergone something traumatic at the hands of your sick uncle and it was a violation of your body, at an age when you did not understand it.

i hope you are working with a therapist. as you heal, that unpleasant feelings that come with the masturbation would go away.

good luck!

[Big Mama]

Shezbut u are not alone in this. I to feel extremely guilty for m'ing.

Why are we led to believe that it's wrong. Taking any kind of pleasure from sex is wrong. Pleasure alone is wrong. Is it the past abuse that leads us to be this way. IDK. I do know that these things are NOT wrong. M'ing is NOT wrong, sex is NOT wrong, pleasure is NOT wrong. I just wish some would would convince my brain of that. (and yours to)

From the position as someone who has experience with early childhood psychology let me say that u were not wrong for what ever part you may have had as a participant in sexual things. A child for one doesn't naturally know how to give a BJ. Just think about that. How many 4-6 year olds know how to do that or even know what that is. So you could not have done this because you wanted to. It was likely a way of reenacting past abuse or something you have seen done in a movie or in person.

As for your uncle. Children don't entice mature adults to do those kind of things. The adult has enough knowledge to know it is not right and they don't allow that to happen. But it did happen. It was not from encouragement on your part. Believe it or not your body responds as a child (or even as an adult at times) to stimulation.

You don't have a choice not to react to stimulation. Just like a gag reflex, it is there weather you want it to be or not. It engages upon touch regardless of how bad u want it not to. Think of a strep test, we would all like to forgo the gag reflex but we can't. Pleasure of that nature is a reflex we can't control as a child, and often as an adult. Though we can dissociate and not be aware of it or we can aid in turning our brains off in order to avoid that. It is not possible to completely avoid pleasure even in poor circumstances or to avoid the reflex part of that, O's.

You are not alone in seeing the bad in the world either. I do the same thing. I look into a crowd and see sometimes, abusers, the abused, the potential for abuse, attackers, and the hurt individuals. The possibilities are endless. This is a sick world. But it is a world in which we help create and one in which we share. All we can do is share the good we do know, and the love we do have with others. The world is not such a bad place and it is for us to help others see that it is not all terrible.

Hun I am so sorry this has happened to you. If You need anything or anyone to talk to you please don't hesitate to PM me. I to am struggling with new found knowledge of CSA and what is real and what is not.

gentle ***hugs*** if it's ok

[Open Eyes]

It is not something to be ashamed about, we all discover ourselves, all of ourselves.
I watched a special about what happens in the woman's body during an orgasm, it was amazing. The entire brain lights up, orgasm's are healthy for the brain, very healthy.

I think it is important to consider the human design, instead of just thinking you are somehow "bad" for just being human. You are thinking something is "bad" when it is "normal and healthy" and something so many discover and "exercise".

The "mistake" is that parents do not explain to children "carefully" that it is ok to understand/discover self, but not to interact with other children or adults because this is something that is "private".

I think it is an important part of recovery by "owning your own body" again. Shez, I am feeling under the weather at the moment, I can't think of the link that I had posted at one time where this special could be viewed. I think it is important to understand "the human body" and we are really learning so much now with all our new technology. You should not "self punish" for being "human". Learning is key to understanding self better.

((Hugs))
OE

[Big Mama]

shez have you tried looking at http://www.aftersilence.org/ My current T suggested it to me. He daughter was date raped. It is a site for survivors of CSA and Rape. You might find it helpful. I know I do with the new revelations and the past rape that I can remember.